Episode 142

In 2025, are you wanting to transform how you do your parenting? Well, Sara and I have come up with a core four concepts that we want to just give to you over these next few podcasts. So today we're gonna hit one of the most essential foundational concepts that transformed our lives and our parenting and even our marriage. And so if you are interested in moving away from spanking and fear-based approaches, but you're also like, I don't wanna do this permissive thing where

 

the kids are getting everything they want and their emotions are constantly controlling. I'm not interested in that. Well, we're not either. So in today's podcast, we're gonna talk to you about the brain. And I know you're like, what the brain? What do we, are you guys neuroscientists? No, we aren't, but we know some and we've read some books on it. And we're gonna give you the really awesome.

 

concept of the brain states that Dr. Dan Siegel has been putting out in the world and many other brain experts to help you better understand what's happening in you and in your kid. And it is going to transform everything. And at the end, we're going to give you some resources that will start changing your family today and help you reframe how you see your kid's behavior in 2025. So jump on board today with this podcast and get ready for the next several to change your life.

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Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I am Sara. And welcome to 2025. Yep, happy new year everyone. And so this is our second episode, Sara, coming out in the year of 2025. Last week, if you haven't listened to already, you gotta go back and listen to our interview with Kirk Martin from Celebrate Calm. yeah, yeah.

 

That was a lot of fun, fantastic. Well, it's such a great way to start the year. know many parents listening to this podcast going into 2025 or a new year is a time that I know we take to kind of evaluate what we're doing as parents and thinking, what things do I want to get better at? What skills do I need to improve at or learn more about? Yeah, that new year kind of just presents the opportunity. It's an automatic, OK, how are we doing? Let's check in. And what do I want to change going into this new year?

 

Do I want to bring into my life? And so what we wanted to do for all the listeners, Sara and I were just thinking that it's January is such a good time. This first part of the year for us to kind of, you know, really give all the listeners some foundational stuff, right? So foundational skills, perspectives that really transformed the way we paired.

 

Yeah, we sat, we actually just sat down and we were talking. We've kind of had these conversations off and on, but recently we really sat down and thought, okay, what made the change for us? And it was even, some of it even started way before we even had kids, but just in working with kids, what were we seeing after worrying with child after child and family after family, what was working, what wasn't working? And then all the research and training and all the things we had done, where do you start? You know, cause if you just dive into anything,

 

you're trying to learn or change, you need to start with what do I need to lay down and do first in order for the rest of it to be successful? Yeah, what's the foundational work? So you and I came up with, I don't know if we'll stick with this, but we kind of like this idea of the core four. And so we narrowed it down to these core four concepts that I think really freed us to be the parents we want to be. I know on social media, we were talking about this a lot over Christmas break, there's so much bashing of things like gentle parenting.

 

 

I that's the biggest term and gentle parenting isn't even something we say we teach, you know? But it's like anything that's not using fear, intimidation, spanking, grounding.

 

That's all lumped into gentle pair. it just seems like lately it's the umbrella. Anything if it's not punishment falls under that umbrella and is just getting a really bad rap. Well, it connected to it and all the comments we get in social media is if you're not doing spanking, then you're doing gentle parenting. If you're doing gentle parenting, you're raising kids that are out of control, that are disrespectful, all that kind of stuff. So I want to start with saying, Sara, these four foundational, this core four that we're going to do over these next four podcast.

 

is this is a way to help raise kids that are respectful that actually have self-control that actually like know who they are and want to bring goodness and kindness to this world and they're not doing it because you're making them yeah because they're afraid of children who are able to make decisions from things inside of them

 

It's people who are children who are confident, who are able to navigate this world. Yeah. so resilient. That's a big one. Huge. And so if that's the kind of kid you want to raise, if you and your spouse, so we want to change something in 2025, this is the podcast that's going to help you do it. We're going to give you some core four concepts. And of course, if you want to dive in deeper, Sara and I love to coach parents. You can always reach out to me at Kyle at art of raising humans.com and you can say, Hey, I'm

 

interested in getting more information to go more one-on-one, but this is a great starting point to start right here, to start listening to these core four concepts that we're going to dive into. you'll see, they're kind of the set the stage with the listeners as well. In 2025, we're going to be introducing you to a lot of great experts, a lot of great information. We've got some interviews coming up about technology, how to keep your kids safe there, but we're also going to mix in these concepts that are going to help give you a great foundational framework by which to parent your kids. If you don't want to spank, if

 

 

you're tired of grounding timeouts or if you're about to have a kid and you're like I don't even know what to do I know so often people like there is no handbook well it's not that we have the handbook but we are gonna give you some really great chapters in that book that are gonna help you then be equipped and confident going into this new year.

 

Okay, so the first one that we want to start with today, because it was so life changing for me, Sara, to understand the science behind the brain. So really wanted to discuss today Dr. Siegel's work, Dr. Siegel is a great author and great scientist. He's a neuroscientist who has books like No Drama Discipline, Parenting from the Inside Out, The Whole Brain Child and many, many more. But he first introduced this idea of interpersonal neurobiology.

 

And so can you kind of explain first of all, what is that and how is that helpful to us as parents to understand the brain?

 

Yeah, I just want to say it was a really big thing for me too, because working with kids, you know, it was very important that you wanted to be successful. You want these kids and families to be successful. And with all these challenging thoughts, you know, you got all this, all these different books and experts and techniques and everything flying at you. And this one I just loved because I thought, okay, I can actually, we haven't been able to do this, but now we can actually look at the brain. We can actually see what's happening inside of the brain.

 

during different interventions, so different things and ways that we're interacting with other humans, we're seeing the impact of that.

 

 

And so that really meant something to me because now we've got studies over thousands of people and over 70 years of study, which just didn't exist. So we've got a lot. mean, this is solid stuff and Dr. Segal, the way he puts it all together is just brilliant. Love it. But personal neurobiology in a nutshell is just saying we are not

 

pillars operating on our own, but everything I do impacts the people around me and the brains around me. And I think there's a piece of us that go, well, I mean, yeah, of course. Yeah. Well, we've all felt that we've all felt it when somebody's staring at us and we can't see that and we can feel it, right? Like somebody's looking at me or we feel somebody's feelings. We walk in a room. We know they're upset. We know they're mad. That's the one that really gets me where, you you've had that experience where you walk into your coworkers office or you just walk into a room and you think,

 

Wait, what did I here. Yeah, it was a vibe here. Yeah, you can feel it in the air. And before we just thought, you're just feeling it. But now we know, no, that's actually stuff going on in people's brains. That's actually your brain is so in seconds and just milliseconds, it's picking up what's going on in the other humans. And your brain does that because it needs to immediately assess what's happening here. Am I safe? Is this OK? How can I connect to other people?

 

Because we want to build relationship. We want to survive. We want to thrive We are social creatures and so those feelings those those things that we those Giving that sense of like is this a place where I can make those connections is what keeps us alive and helps us Yeah, so in a very practical sense. It's like I want to do well at work I want to have good relationship my co-workers at home I want to feel loved and I want to enjoy the people around me and our brain is always working even when we're not

 

intentionally thinking about it, our brain is constantly doing that. So it's the whole study of, okay, how do I impact you? And how are you impacting me? And then we take that to the parent child relationship. Well, and the way it helped me Sara, and for a lot of listeners here, especially if you're a spouse, and maybe you have another spouse who is reluctant and changing the way in which they're parenting. This was a game changer for me, because I remember as a kid, it was just a common thing around like animals, especially around our dogs, we had dogs growing up that dogs can smell

 

 

fear. So there was constantly they were my parents were telling me if a dog is being aggressive or being scary to to not be scared back. Like don't be scared because that dog will smell it and that dog will become more aggressive. And to me, I kind of understood the concept of it, but also was very, I never really went deep with it. Like how what does that mean that the dog can smell my fear? just I thought it was more just like actually a smelling thing, right? As opposed to a fear odor. Yes, once once once I once we went I went to the conference with Dr. Becky Bailey,

 

and with conscious discipline and she was showing on the screen there what the brain looks like when it's scared and and I was thinking this is kind of probably what's happening.

 

in animals too. if there's a scary moment and the dog is scared, if I could see the dog's brain, it would be in this part of its brain that says, I must protect myself. So then, oh, wait, that makes sense. If I'm in that part of my brain too, then we're both going to attack each other or we're both going to become more aggressive. So I actually have to feel safe and be confident that I can handle myself in this moment with this dog, even though this dog might be scary. I've got to calm myself down. Like that was something that I already knew with animals, but I'm like, this is true about humans?

 

actually in our eyes, the, mean, there's so much science is we want to dive deep, but your orbital lobe. So this part of your brain that's going, okay, what information is coming in through the eyes? Right. And it's in seconds. It's just like reading it all and going, okay, this is what this means. And it's sending messages to the rest of the brain. And it is all about that. How safe am I? What situation am I in? What's going to happen here? So we're also sending messages to the other person. So if there's a big conflict and we come in all aggressive or scared, that's what we're sending to them.

 

And then they're sending messages back to us well so before we dive into the the simple kind of upstairs downstairs approach to the brain that Becky Bailey calls the brain states before we go into that I want you just to take a moment as a listener to just reflect upon what Sara was saying there about how many times you've been in a conversation with your spouse or your kids or even some other Adult in your life, and you have had this thing in you of like I think they're feeling this or I can sense that they're upset right now even though they're saying they're not or I can sense that they're sad even though they're acting like

 

 

things okay like every one of you have had those experiences where you have felt something inside of you connect to something inside of them and even though everything on the outside is saying something different or they're actually saying I don't feel this you're like I can feel this right and so I just want you to take a moment to be aware of that reflect upon that because that is

 

just in a nutshell, the science of interpersonal neurobiology. Okay. And the reason why that is part of this core for Sara is I really, feel like an idiot because you know, I've been trained with a master's degree in counseling. I've been working with kids for a while before we had our own kids. I hadn't really thought that much about how my inner world could disrupt

 

or help someone else's inner world. I hadn't really thought much about that. I thought it was just like you said, we're just islands separate from each other. But as I started to open my eyes and think about it, I'm like, wait, no, that happens all the time. That I can feel myself almost like send anger or frustration to somebody and then see it impact them. And I mean, one I love that's in the positive is when you see someone, this baby's crying and then this person walks up and takes the baby from

 

the other person or something, you know, and you just, that baby, it's almost magic. The baby whisper or something where they're able to just calm that baby down. That's the positive side of the same thing where you, you bring, walk into a room and you bring calm or you, know, bring happiness. see people who they say they light up the room and that's, that's, that's what's going on. Yeah.

 

So we've all experienced it and I think just giving it terms and understanding it and then realizing it was just more powerful than I thought. I think we all kind of go, oh yeah, I mean, I know that. It seems like a small component. But then to realize the power that exists in that and then to intentionally use it was something that Well, and even to jump off that is that that's what hit me, Sara, was this isn't just a philosophy. This isn't just like, oh yeah,

 

 

can have this little tiny impact on this, but like, no, seriously, if you are freaking out, your kids cannot help but freak out. Also, if they are freaking out and you are helping, you're regulating your body, you're getting to a place in your brain that can help them be calm, that enables them to be calm. Right? And so once I saw that out, it was actually so empowering to go, my gosh, I didn't know we were that powerful. But it makes sense when you think of the baby, everybody who's held a baby, you know, you freaking out ain't going to help that baby. You've got to be able to

 

take a deep breath and even though you might have been scared by their scream, you've got to calm yourself down and help the baby do that. And the baby can't do it unless you are. And your brain, mean, we didn't really, I'll just touch on mirror neurons, but how our brains are meant to sort of mimic the people around us. even if they're all upset, my child is upset, if I go in and intentionally say, I'm gonna be calm, I'm gonna be relaxed.

 

their brain, even though they're upset, is gonna start working towards mirroring my emotion. So if I can stay in my place, because my brain might try to be a little upset too, but if I can stay calm as the adult, then that's what I, their brain will start going, okay, we're calm now, okay, I need to deescalate here.

 

and to bring that in is so powerful as a parent. It's so powerful too. thinking even in just all the counseling we've been able to do that when you have tense situations or hard discussions or family conversations, everybody has felt that where it's hard to stay calm in those tense moments, but you know you need to do that if we're going to have a conversation that's constructive. Otherwise, if we start to slip into this place where we're all getting mad, we don't have the, lots of listeners don't know the neurological stuff that's going on, but it's like,

 

Now you're in a part of your brain that nothing constructive can be done. Okay. So without further ado, what I want to do slip into the let's discuss these three parts of the brain. And of course the brain is complex, very complicated, but we're only going to discuss in real simple terms to help you walk away from this conversation, better understanding what's happening in you neurologically and also your kid. And if you're not watching on YouTube, jump on YouTube, watch us on YouTube, subscribe to what we're doing, because we're going to do some hand motions too by the end. That's going to help you.

 

 

better get it with your hands that you'll be able to understand the brain. It's something you can teach your kids. It's something really fun to kids. I've taught kids as young as five to help them better understand where they're at in the brain. Our kids understand the brains through these kind of hand motions. even in preschool when our kids were little because they kind of grew up around it, you know, we were doing this with them when they were little and so it's just what they've grown up knowing. So this is what Dr. Siegel will call an upstairs downstairs approach.

 

to the brain. Dr. Becky Bailey calls it brain states and we will in the show notes include a couple pictures for you to see this visually. Okay so to start out with you give the example of the baby right so let's start there zero to 18 months the most formed and active part of the brain at that point in the baby's life is the brain stem and that would be the part of the brain that's just all fight flight or freeze.

 

And what that part of the brain wants, it has one question that needs to be answered. And that is, am I safe? Yes. Yeah. And so, so if you've ever had a baby, which I'm sure most listeners have, when that baby is screaming and yelling, all that baby is saying is, I think I'm going to die. Like, I don't know how I'm going to get food. I don't know where you went. I have no concept of time and space and distance. am I alone? Am I going to die here? And so you pick up the baby. And everything's

 

emergency. Yeah, right. they're hungry, they're screaming and crying because it's the end of the world. They're so hungry. Yeah. So they're just in that fight, flight or freeze and you pick up that baby and you hold that baby and you do something really cool. You actually help regulate the baby's body with your regulated body.

 

If you are freaking out, if you are panicking, which I did sometimes as a new parent where I did not know what to do, the baby's crying. Am I holding the baby correctly? Am I going to like, my gosh. and that's not going to help the baby because the baby can actually feel your fear, your, your, nervousness, your anxiety. And it's confusing to the baby. Cause the baby's like, I just needed help. And now you look like you need me to help you. Right. Cortisol levels spike and they need you to help bring calm. their course.

 

 

levels can drop, they can feel a sense of safety, their heartbeat regulates to your heartbeat, all those wonderful physiological things happen with your state of calm. Yeah and so then you actually regulate the baby's body and what I think is fascinating too is the baby has to be regulated to be able to do these simple things like eat and sleep and you'll be able to even like you know just be interested in being able to

 

I'm missing the words, but eat, sleep, not talk, but even be able to like do these basic functions, right? Well, that's the place where they learn to grab objects and crawl and all of those learning happens in a state of calm. If they're constantly dysregulated.

 

then the brain has a hard time learning because it's in that state of emergency. But you begin that wiring into those skills that they need later in life. Even looking at you and smiling, all that happens from that place. Yeah. Once they're out of that brainstem. Right? Yeah. You're wiring it for those higher functions. And so I hope you understand too that you could, if a kid was growing up in a scary environment, that part of their brain is going to get more exercised and more normal to just go straight there.

 

becomes the place that they live from instead of a state of And so when you and I worked with kids with trauma, you'd see those kids would go straight there really quick. And they would have delays in the other areas. It was a sign that, oh no, I think this baby is living in a lot of state of alarm because they're not able to develop along the typical trajectory. And so it's where we are going, Sara, whenever we get really reactive and all of sudden a parent is yelling a lot and threatening and

 

screaming is they're going right to that brain stem really quick. It's where, you know, this always stays online. So it's not like, 18 months older, you know, as you get older, you stop using this always exists in your brain and you need it to exist. Yeah. And so you'll see this even with your kids. I know we live in Oklahoma and so there's a lot of times there's tornado sirens that go off and kids might get scared. And so everybody, every parent knows in Oklahoma or in these kinds of tornado areas, you need to remain calm to help your kid get

 

 

to a better space, right? Because otherwise they're going to stay in this heightened sense of alert and they're be very anxious, right? So the first part of the brain that comes online is the brainstem and the question they're asking is, I safe? And that's all you need to do as a parent is have yourself be regulated and then give that calm, regulated safety to the kid. Right. And you want that state of alarm.

 

because if some big emergency happens, it's the thing that gives you that superhuman energy. It's the thing that helps you just sort of react without having to pause and go, what should I do right now? You can run away from the bear in the woods or whatever it might be. I don't know if you really want to run from bears, but anyway, it's that thing that you need to be active, but we don't want it overactive.

 

We don't want it to, we don't want you to react from a state. We don't want to react in fight, flight, freeze. You we don't want to go battle something that actually doesn't need to be battled. Sometimes our brain thinks something's alarming and we need to go there when we don't actually need to go there. So with our children, we want to help that.

 

of their brain go, okay, this is, you know, let's calm this down. Let's develop other thinking skills so we can determine with intentionality where we're going to be. Well, you want your kid not living in that space. No, that's why that's why every listener I know right now listening wants their home to be a safe place. You want your kid to be able to come to you and feel safe. So they're not in the state of fight, flight or freeze. Okay. So the next part of the brain that comes online, 18 months to four years old is the limbic system, the emotional state of

 

the brain. So imagine when your kids were that young or if they are that young now, all of a sudden they feel all these funky emotions for the first time. I mean, now it's not just about living or dying, but now it's about being disappointed or jealous or anxious or nervous. Okay, so when these come online, now the kid isn't necessarily losing all their composure and freaking out, but they are probably throwing a tantrum or they are having some big tears. And so this may happen simply because they asked for a cookie and you say they can't have a second cookie.

 

 

And then they throw a big tantrum here. Now, a lot of misconceptions that we see in our comments section when people are talking about things like gentle parenting or any other parenting approach that isn't fear based is they think that this is the time you give in to the kid. And all of sudden you become very permissive and you just say, oh, the kids, let's try to make the kids happy. That's not what this part of the brain is about.

 

This part of the brain is when we get these big emotions, even as adults, and I know you've experienced as a listener, when you feel these big emotions and you're overwhelmed and you feel shame and you feel whatever it is, you feel isolated and disconnected. So Siegel would say this part of the brain is asking a different question. It's not asking, I safe? It's asking, am I loved?

 

You're meaning does anybody understand what I'm going through? Is anybody gets what I am feeling because you feel disconnected and alone. And so typically what we do in the States there, I know I do is I call you up. I call up somebody who I think will answer that question and you say, Hey, how are you doing? And I'm like, I'm having a rough day. And I tell you about the rough day. And then you show me empathy and love. And that helps me get out of that emotional state. Yeah. Yeah. I think the big takeaway for me was feeling the switch from this child is having a

 

and we need to stop the tantrum, right? Because that's what you feel like you should be doing. You immediately judge it and say, this is not worth it. You shouldn't be acting like this.

 

you know, whatever, whatever might be the second cookie, the hitting the other, know, getting the toy you want. Yeah. And instead of seeing as they're getting washed, I mean, we can see this in the happening in their brain in this really big emotion. And I know plenty of adults who struggle with emotions, you know, times I have felt completely overwhelmed and big emotion. So we need to look at looking at these children and thinking, wow, this is a new experience for them. They're very overwhelmed and they don't know what to do.

 

 

And so they need us to be coming along with that. You're loved. I understand you. Yeah, I've had that really big feeling too. And guided because they don't know what to do with the big feeling. So they need our guidance because hopefully we do. Right. I think we kind of sometimes do sometimes don't, but we hopefully can come along and say, I know what to do with this. I can help. Let me help you with this. Yeah. And that's where you hear a lot of times little kids will even say a lot of really negative things like, I'm so stupid.

 

or I hate myself or this is so dumb or they might be yelling at their siblings some of that same stuff coming out of that limbic they're not quite in the brain stem yet they're not in the fight flight or freeze they're still in that emotional state and that's where that negative I you know Sara I know I'm there if something's happening with the kids and I'm like what is their problem

 

Why are they acting like this? Or you do something. I'm like, why is Sara doing it that way? That's ridiculous. Like those kind of thoughts. about punishment and... And you're very frustrated and annoyed, or you're judging what they're doing and criticizing it. That is all coming from a specific part of the brain that can only see the world through my perspective. I'm not open to yours. So when you're having the thoughts like, get over it. It's just a second cookie. Or you already know this math. Why are you getting so upset about it? All of that is me saying, I am in this state.

 

of this emotional state and I'm matching you. And so something I want to hear, I want all the listeners to kind of hear from us is what we tend to do as parents when we're in that emotional state is we want the kid to stop acting like that. And the reason why we do is because we don't like feeling in that emotional state. We're basically saying to the kid, if you loved me, you would do that differently. If you loved me, you would clean up your room. If you'd love me, you stop throwing that tantrum. And we don't want to put our kids in charge of our emotions.

 

We are the ones that are responsible for how we feel. In that moment, it's our job to regulate our emotions. So on a scale, Sara, I might say, maybe this will help our listeners. If I'm in the brain stem on a scale of one to 10, it's like I'm at an eight, nine, or 10. My emotions are completely hijacking me. Whereas in the limbic system, maybe I like a five, six, seven, right around there, to where the emotions are getting bigger. they're definitely starting to take over the driving of my life. And now I'm seeing everything through

 

 

those emotions right instead of me being able to stop regulate those emotions and then be able to really be helpful instead of judging and criticizing the other person.

 

And with children and parenting, you can hold all the boundaries. Going back to the criticism of, well, we're just, how do you feel? And we just lean into however you feel. that's driving the, we're not saying that's driving the ship. We're saying we need to come alongside them and teach them what to do with the big feelings. And all of that is within boundaries. And it's to help them be successful. So it's definitely, we don't want to stuff it. We don't want to let it just

 

just be a mess all over the place. It's helping them in a healthy way to realize they can move through the emotion. They can handle the emotion. This is a normal part of human existence and we're here with it with them in it. Yeah. So we're not not we're not wanting the emotion to hijack us or kids. We're wanting to know when we're hearing that stuff when the kid is throwing the tantrum when the kids seems to be like it seems they're being irrational and they're making no sense. Right. That is a cry for help. They are saying in this moment I feel

 

disconnected, feel unloved, misunderstood. And I want for everybody who's listening to what we're saying here, I want you to take a moment think about how often you feel that way with friends, with your spouse, even just over the Christmas and holiday time with your own family, how many times you're in the state of only being able to see the situation from your own perspective, and you're not open to the other and going back to what you're saying, what once we get them out of that space, that's where the teaching happens. That's where the boundaries are set.

 

it's not to just sit in that space. So that's where we move into the last part of this brain state, which is four years old all the way up into twenties. It's still forming into your twenties. That is the prefrontal cortex. And the prefrontal cortex is where self-control is. It's where empathy is. It's where your ability to see a lot of creative solutions to problems. This is where teaching happens.

 

 

What I love about this understanding is we don't learn until we feel safe and we feel loved. And then what Siegel would say is the prefrontal cortex is asking a question, which is what can I learn? So now the child, the parent is open to learning and understanding a better way to do that situation.

 

Yeah, and I love this because it sort of helped me those moments where you think, was my kid thinking?

 

And the answer to that is, well, the part of their brain that would have thought about that is still getting wired. So, so just because we do something one time, we got this little bitty neuron connection happening that that doesn't actually create the whole skill that they're able to maintain. Right. So we have to keep doing it and doing it and doing it until, know, and we think about that with reading, we think about that with riding a bike, we think about, but it's the same thing with impulse control and making decisions and planning when I should do

 

homework so that it's done on time and all the things that we want them to adult and to learn and to you know that's what's happened that that part of their brain is still developing and if you think wow this isn't gonna happen till they're well into their 20s then it helps me

 

as a parent to think, okay, what can I do to support the development of this brain? Yeah. How can I help that be wired more? And instead of it being a default to the limbic system or default to the brainstem, I want them to know how to get to the prefrontal cortex. Even with when we're not around, I want them to know and have those skills to be able to do that. And I mean, that's always what you and I are working on. You know, like, for instance, as a parent, we know we're in the brainstem. If we're yelling, screaming, threatening, that's

 

 

That's all fight, flight or freeze. We know we're in the limbic system if we're shaming and lecturing, all that kind of stuff. We know we're in the prefrontal cortex.

 

when we're just feeling helpful. When we're like, hey, how can I help you? Whenever my first inclination is to give them a hug, my first inclination is to be curious. When I'm in the limbics, my first inclination is to judge them, is to criticize them, is to tell them how what they're doing is ridiculous or unreasonable. And so that's why, Sara, it's so powerful, so impactful to me to go wait, so if I want them in the prefrontal cortex,

 

I have to be in prefrontal cortex. And I have felt you do that many times with me where I'm in the limbic system and I'm like, why is our kid doing that? Or this is completely ridiculous. Well, what is their problem? And then you will approach me from the prefrontal cortex, which will help me then move up to the prefrontal cortex. And what I love about this too is this is

 

what happens in marriage counseling. even if you're having, if you struggle with conflicts with your spouse, is this what marriage counselors are trying to do? Is you're typically going to marriage counseling because you're both sitting in the limbic system where the brain stem with each other. You're not really able to connect well and listen and learn, you know, together. And you're always criticizing one another is that when we're in the prefrontal cortex, I think really great thoughts about you. And I'm really not open to everything being perfect. I'm not saying like, we need to, but we can work through our problems, right? And so even with other adults,

 

this is so helpful because marriage counseling is about helping the couple know when they're at that emotional state and then helping them know what to do to get up to that prefrontal cortex so then they can work through the conflicts and actually resolve them and it's the exact same thing you want to raise kids who know how to do that in marriage you want to raise kids who know how to do that with their friends with their bosses with their teachers you want kids especially teenagers to see you as a resource I'm feeling pretty upset right

 

 

now and I want to come to you because I know you'll listen to all my upset and you'll help me get to a place. we've all had that as an adult, you might be upset about something. Something's going on in life at work, whatever personal life you call up that friend and they listen to you and you just pour it all out. All the horrible things that are going on or how horrible you're feeling. And if that person, you know, that friend that listens to you.

 

The next thing you know, they're coming alongside you and they're helping you figure things out and how great that feels because you were able to borrow their calm, right? And they were able to help you get to that prefrontal cortex where you were creative and you could problem solve and you could think forward.

 

and our teenagers and our kids, that part is so underdeveloped. And so we want them to see us as a person they can come to with their big old mess in life, and you're gonna help them, you're gonna hear them, and you're gonna help them problem solve it. And it's a move away from punishing them for not having that development, but instead coming alongside them to help that develop. And also understanding, just like with teachers you had growing up, that those teachers you felt the most safe and connected to, those were the ones you were most open

 

and receptive to learning from. The ones you did not like or you thought did not like you, you were typically more closed off and less open to them. So you were wanting to create a relationship with the kids all throughout their life.

 

But especially as they're young and then into those teenage years, they see you as the person who's not gonna just insist that they're happy or insist that they get whatever they want or whatever it is, or just try to appease them or punish them. But instead, they'll come to you with those big feelings and know that you will answer these questions. They will be safe with you, they will be loved by you, and then you'll help them learn from the situation.

 

 

Right. And so, so here's what I want you to do. If you're watching the video, if you're not, um, here's a few takeaways. This is what you're to take. What it's going to transform your marriage, your relationships, your friends and your parenting. Okay. Is put your hand up. Do you mind doing this with me, Sara? Put your hand up. Okay. This is Dan's Dr. Segal's handbrain. Okay. So if you touch the part of your wrist, if you're driving, don't do this, but, if you're sitting down listening to us, or maybe if you're running, you'll listen, grab your wrist and that's just say brain step. Am I safe?

 

and then tuck your thumb in, just fold your thumb into your hand and say, limbic system, am I loved? And then finally fold over your fingers. That's the prefrontal cortex. What can I learn? if you're looking at video, we have these handbrains and what's so grateful about this, can see here, Dr. Siegel talks about how this prefrontal cortex wraps over the limbic system. It is the break to the emotional center of the brain. So when your kid or you are flipping out, your emotions are getting really big. It's like your prefrontal cortex

 

is let go and now you're sitting here and if you keep building that up you're gonna slip all the way down to the brainstem where you're only gonna think of punishment. If you were up here in the limbic system you're gonna be thinking of lecturing and shaming. We want to get up here where we're thinking about

 

co creating, learning together, really resolving conflict. Yeah. And it will be solutions. Yeah, more of a solution focus. But we can only get there once we're both here. Like if the kid is in the limbic system, and you're trying to give great advice, they're gonna just hear you as saying, Wow, why didn't you think of that? That was so easier. I can't believe you keep having these problems. They're not going to receive it as well as when they're in the prefrontal cortex. And then they're actually going to come up with some of their own solutions. And we really want kids that eventually can leave our house and come to their own solutions.

 

They come up with great ideas on their own separate from us. And they're able to reach out to you but to other people to go, you know I'm kind of struggling with solution here. I know what I can do. I can be in relationship with people who are gonna help me. So this is the first foundational concept that we wanted to introduce to you in 2025. We are going to include, like I said, the picture. We're gonna use the Becky Bailey's conscious discipline brain state model. I just like the pictures. I like how she has mapped it out for you.

 

 

include two that we typically give to clients that we're coaching. So we're going to include those want you to print those out, go and put those up in your bathroom so you can be watching those and looking at those want to raise your awareness to where you are not looking from the outward in but from the inward out, you're going to understand where you're at in the brain and then where your kid is at in the brain and it is going to change everything about these moments that typically find you flipping out and getting really upset.

 

Yeah, and as you practice it more, it's just it was amazing to see. And then it was really fun when our kids see it. And they're actually coming and saying it to us. Yeah, yeah. They're noticing that like, it's not that we're just mad. It's that we're actually or frustrated or upset. We're actually slipping down our brain because in that moment, we feel alone and disconnected. And we know how like giving a hug or listening and being empathetic, all those things help us shift up to that prefrontal cortex. It's not just like, being being kind and

 

soft and all this stuff is good. Yeah, that's helpful, but it's helpful because of this. So like if someone's upset and you give them a hug, it's answering that question where they no longer feel alone and disconnected. So I want you to have this foundational concept to start this year. Next week, make sure you listen, because we're going to hit the second part of these core four concepts that we want to give you for 2025.

 

Okay, so thank you so much for listening and really excited about doing this journey with you and helping transform your family. We'd love to hear any comments. We would love for you to rate and review this podcast. Love to hear if this is helping you and your family, all that super fun to give from you. Happy New Year.

 

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