Episode 147

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi everyone, I'm Sara. And we are excited today to hit our fourth core four idea, right? And man, these ideas, Sara, we came up with these core four because it seemed like over and over again when we were working with parents and coaching parents, we were like, man, if we could just sum this up, what would be the main ideas of like, hey, techniques are important.

 

But techniques without this understanding of why we're doing these techniques or how we're shifting things in your home, you could do better techniques, but that's really not gonna change much. Well, and I think you start doing a technique, but then you feel lost in it, you feel confused, or you're like, this isn't working. There's all this stuff going on. And it goes back to, if you start with these four, it helps you decide what to do in that moment. It helps you understand that moment. It helps you stick with it when it's hard.

 

So this just felt like this is where we started and what we go back to all the time. Yeah, we kind of refresh. mean, almost every year we're kind of looking back and how are we doing these four things? Yeah, they anchor. that's great. I like the anchor, kind of keep that foundational. And so if you're curious about the previous three we've already discussed, go back to the beginning of 2025 and that's where we've started this journey.

 

is we started with the first one with interpersonal neurobiology and understanding the brain science of your developing kid, but also within you. And then second was emotion-based parenting as opposed to behavior-based where you're doing more of an inward out approach rather than outward in. And then the third one that we finished recently was about parent first, like change begins with me. Okay. But then when we were like, what else? was so many other things we're like, what about this? What about this one? This one kept popping up. We're like, no,

 

This has to be a focus. If you don't have this, everything else is going to keep crumbling and falling apart. Yeah. the fourth idea or concept that we really want to dive into is the power of connection. Why is that so important? Man, it's at the core of every good relationship you have. Every good relationship. Yeah.

 

Yeah, it's that I don't just exist with you or live with you. You can be around someone all the time and not be connected. So what we're talking about is we have to be connected to our child. Yeah. And without that, nothing else is going to happen. Well, I don't know what else explains it more powerfully than man, as soon as we had our kids, I'm sure everybody who's had a kid, that's the very first thing the baby's wanting is like, like, how do I get connection again? Like connection was so easy when I was in the womb.

 

but now I'm out of the womb, how do I connect again? And this, think everybody understands that connection is at the basic core of survival. I mean, babies come into this world so helpless. I mean, they cannot take care of themselves for, I think they can't do almost anything for the first nine months it seems like. Even if you meet their physical needs, a child will not thrive without connection, which is the emotional part. That's the,

 

I see you, I hear you, I'm with you. The relationship, you can't just feed, clothe, change their diapers, they won't do well. Children don't do That's what I was gonna say. You can do that, but it was really, really mess up a kid and they may not even live. They may have failure to thrive, they may just give up. Connection is so pivotal. And I think if anybody's ever been, like you said, in a healthy relationship with somebody that you are in love with, that you're like, I know for us, it's...

 

the key of every healthy marriage, you know? I mean, anytime you and I are having more and more disagreements, I know, Sara, that our connection isn't as good when I'm seeing you do just an everyday task and I'm like, why is she doing that? That's ridiculous. And I'll have these like judgmental critical thoughts, you know? Or why did she say it that way? And I'll immediately go, oh, I haven't really, oh, we haven't spent time connecting in the past few days. So it's easy for my brain to default to this place.

 

of judging and criticizing you. Whereas I notice a clear difference. We've had a great time. We've maybe gone on a date or just been purposely just, you know, having fun together. Yeah. Talking. don't have those thoughts anymore. You know, like you could do the exact same activity, but my perception of what you're doing is completely different because of the connection. And I think if you think back through your life, I know I've said this before, but some of my favorite bosses were the ones I felt the most connected to.

 

You know, you think about your favorite teachers. You think about these other adults or people in your life. And then of course your friendships. Right? So your closest friends are the ones you feel connected to. somehow we lose that piece. Sometimes we get busy in life. So not even, it's really hard to be an adult and a parent and take care of everything. So it's not from a judgment place, but life gets in the way and it gets hard to connect with our kids. And

 

we don't always realize it. We think, what's going on here? they're being such a pain. They're not doing anything I ask them to do. They're making all this noise, whatever it might be. And we forget that we've been around them a lot. I mean, I'm with our kids a lot. That doesn't mean I'm connecting with them. That means I'm around them. Yeah, you're just walking past them. But even back to the point that you said, when I think back to my favorite teachers, I would ask every listener to take a moment to do this. Your favorite teachers, favorite coaches.

 

favorite mentors, you maybe it could be somebody in church, a youth pastor, somebody like that is it was connection, but tied into that, Sara was this belief that they cared about me. You know, that like when I was with them, even if they were upset with me, right. And they might be correcting me about something. felt like it came from a place that they really cared about me, you know? And it wasn't even like they always corrected me in the healthiest way. Maybe they even lost their temper and yelled at me or something, right. But even then I'd be like, I didn't like that. But

 

I know they care about me. And so even when they did something I didn't necessarily prefer them to do, I saw it in a different light. I saw it in light of the connection that we had formed over time through a lot of positive interactions. Yeah. It made the repair easier. So if they messed up, they could go back and repair it with you. But if you don't even have the connection and things continue to fall apart, it's a long road back to having connection.

 

And so that, mean, you're hitting a great point there too, Sara, if I don't have the connection, then it's harder than when conflicts happen and we mess up, which we are going to, we are going to, you are going to, as the listener, we are all gonna mess up. So Sara, that's actually why connection was so important to me. Because there was a time in my parenting where I'm like, Kyle, you're gonna mess up a lot. And I realized like, I was losing my temper more than I wish I would have.

 

I was being more sarcastic at times with the kids or less patient with them, all these kinds of things. And I'm like, I need to get a lot of connection. And so one of those terms that I really like, you know, I was reading the book with our oldest when she turned into it, when she became a teenager, I was reading the book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers. And in that book, he talks a lot about, and this is true in a lot of different types of marriage books, but they call what's called an RBA or a relationship bank account.

 

Yeah. So that helped me think of connection in light of a bank account. And if I have a lot of money in the bank, if I deposit a lot of money, then when something happens like, I forgot to pay that bill. no. Or maybe get into a car wreck or something like that. Like, it's okay. I mean, you're not as freaked out by it. You're not as upset about it because you're have money in the bank to take care of that. And so I started thinking I need to make sure I'm always in the black with the kids.

 

I always want to be in the black with Sara and I can tell when I've slipped into the red, how well by noticing like everything just seems harder. I seem more critical, more negative, more judgmental. It seems like they're misunderstanding me more even when I'm trying to be kind and patient. And I go, wait, wait, wait, when did I deposit any money in the bank? no, I'm in the red. I'm at a deficit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think, anytime if you've been,

 

if things have been stressful, let's say you've been busy, some really big things are happening in life. I love that analogy because it is kind of, okay, I've stocked up for these times, but that, that's great. And it also just raises this awareness where I'm kind of tallying, you you go back and you, know, maybe we don't do this so much, you used to check your balance, your checkbook, You you look at your bank accounts, you're sort of aware of that. And so it's this intention to say,

 

I keep aware of my finances, right? So can pay my bills and I can do what I need to do, but I need to look at my relationships and go and each one, how am I with this child? How am I with this child? Where are we at? And I'm going to be intentional about making sure that I am in the midst of busyness or something. I'm still saying this is going to be worth it. This investment, this little nugget of time I'm going to steal away, make sure I have with my child.

 

is building like that bank account. And it's important to be intentional. Just like I am about my finances, I need to be intentional about this because life will get in the way. Stressors will happen. And each child might be a little different. I need to look at each relationship and make sure I'm taking care of it. Yeah. I'm even thinking, Sara, along the kid's lifespan, what connection might look like? So when the kid's a little baby,

 

connection was even I mean, this may sound kind of silly, but it was like me watching a football game with the baby on my chest, as I just held the baby as the baby like was kind of laying there and sleeping, you know, even just the safety the baby felt with me, and how I felt connected with the kid, you know, I felt like, Oh, this is so cool. I'm such a great dad, give me holding this little baby, right? Or could be waking up in the middle of the night and helping them sue themselves back to sleep, right and help those would be connecting points where as they get older.

 

and they can now walk around and do stuff. It might be getting on the ground and playing cars with them or doing other types of games with them, you know? But as they keep getting older, I think sometimes to your point, life gets busy. All of a sudden now they're involved in 10,000 things. They're going to school and it's all of a sudden those connecting points aren't as easy because they're not just wasting time with you. It seems like time is constantly of the essence. we're constantly got it. need to do stuff. We've got to clean the house or get groceries or whatever it is, right?

 

And so can you speak a little bit to how that can change and what can that look like if it's not always just, even though it's important to, think, definitely spend one-on-one time with your kids, playing with them or doing those kinds of activities, but you could be connecting all throughout the day, even without doing that stuff. So what else could they be doing as the kids growing up? Yeah. I mean, a few things that I try to be intentional about, know you do too. We try to be intentional about is just even if they walk in the room, I try to intentionally notice them.

 

in a positive way, light up when they come in the room. And that's a small point. I could be busy making dinner or whatever I'm doing. And I can pause long enough to say, see you, you matter. And I love you. Walk by them, grab them, hug them. You know, you might wrestle, punch them or something. You know, but be playful. there's this little moment so you can look at throughout the day and just,

 

do a small check-in. of my favorites is bedtime because it's that one-on-one. just, your rhythm is different at night in that quiet moment. So just a little check-in. Sometimes it maybe it can get long, but you can keep it short. know, just look for those little times is one of my favorite ways.

 

doing that with older kids and doing that multiple times instead of saying, I don't have an hour to do that today. Well, I can look for these little moments to be doing that. Well, I'm thinking a lot of parents I talked to, sir, it's taking a walk around the neighborhood, right? It is for me, a lot of times, even the drives that we take, you know? I mean, you can drive with your kids to an event, to an activity, to even getting groceries, and it can be everybody checks out, everyone's doing their own thing. But that's not how our drives are. Like I really enjoy us.

 

enjoying music together or talking together. But it's like the kids now are in a routine where we get in the car. That is a sweet time of connection. You know, it actually was very cool. When we were talking to our youngest, who's now eight, we were talking about going to to Colorado, we like to take these road trips up there and was asking each of the kids what they like the most about going there. And, and, you the older two said things like the mountains or these different kind of friends we see there. And then to her, she said, driving.

 

And we're like, why would you like that? Why would that be your favorite driving 10 hours in the car? And she said, cause it's one of the only times that all five of us are together and just connecting and talking. And so just for a long time, but she's like, it's like a, have to be together with air. We play games, we talk, we sing songs, we do these things. It's really enjoyable. We're all on the same page about going to the same place. Yeah. So

 

connecting can look like that. I'm even thinking Sara in marriage. mean, if anybody, if you're listening and you're in a relationship, I don't think you would dislike it if I purposely walked by you and rubbed your back or grabbed, you know, grabbed your hand or stole a kiss behind the pantry door or something like that. All those little connecting points are like, they really help the whole day seem different. You know, it makes everything that's going to happen easier to talk about and work through.

 

Yep. And it can, and, then it can move into things we do. We connect over movies. So we'll watch the show or movie with our kids, but then we also talk about it, right? Well, we'll share a favorite part or what's, what's your favorite Marvel movie or, you know, use it to kind of jump off of where you're doing it together, but you can jump off into, you know, more connection from that same thing. If your kid likes to game, could sit and play a game with us or watch them play.

 

be interested. It's just the showing interest in their world and what they're doing. I think it's good just to go back to treat them the way you want to be treated. You know, how do you like your friends connecting with you? What is it? I mean, I think all of us, for instance, if we're talking to a friend and they're on their phone or they keep getting distracted by it, we would get kind of annoyed and bothered by that. Right. So when we have friends or spouses or teenage kids, whatever, and they see us put the phone away and we just focus in,

 

That doesn't have to be an hour. It can be five minutes of like, let me put this down. I really want to hear what you're saying and just listen. You don't need to have a brilliant thing to say. You can just listen. Yeah. But I want to bring that to the point. I was thinking that's another way of connecting. I mean, in a moment when there's a conflict happening, or in the moment where your kid is upset, a way of connecting is to just stop what you're doing there for a moment and purposely try to empathize, listen, understand.

 

that is another form of connection. Because in that moment, the kid is upset or overwhelmed because they think they're alone. And now you're going to connect with them and let them know you're with them. And that's going to be another way to get money in the bank because they're going to go, wow, that was awesome. I thought that was going to go really bad. Or I thought you were going to get really mad and yell at me. Yeah, maybe that's typically what happens. And maybe we walk away actually less connected, right? I mean, I that's the challenge series. Like those moments are opportunities to say,

 

In our family, these conflicts or these crisis things, these are moments to get more connected, not less connected. But most of us didn't have homes where we saw that happen. We saw lots of conflict cause more separation, more disconnection because we ended up acting in ways we're ashamed of or saying things we're not proud of or being hurtful to the other. And so I think a big part of focusing on connection is how do we deal with these conflicts? Or even like you said, the bedtime routine, how do we deal with the follow-up after the day? Maybe at bedtime, we can connect again.

 

and like just, you know, talk how that went and how we wish it was different. Yeah. And it's so important because it's the springboard for everything else. Right? We need that connection. We need that relationship. If someone's going to speak into my life or, you know, in any way have an impact in my life for me to hear them, I'm going to hear them a lot better if they're connected to me. If I feel like we have this good solid relationship. And so if we feel like, if I feel like

 

why, what resistance am I feeling? How come you're ignoring me or how whatever that tension is, if I start to feel that, I go back to this core four. I go back to wait a second, how's my connection? And so I just want to come back to that because it's, know, we think, I got to find time to do this. I got to do this. I got to do that. this one will actually free up your time, up the stress, free up, bring peace into your home. So to me, I love this one because

 

If you go back to it, it's so rewarding. And so that's why it's one of the four, because this one is so critical to so many other things you're doing. And it's so rewarding and sweet. makes me think of in a car way of putting really good oil in your car. If you're, if you've got good, healthy oil in the car, everything runs smoother with that car. But if it's got a bunch of junk in there and it's not, you know, up to par, your car's going to run.

 

in a clunkier way, it's gonna be noisier, all that stuff. I was thinking, Sara, you kind of started hitting upon these extra benefits of why it's part of this core four. Is, I mean, we could go into, and I'm not diminishing this at all, how when they're very little, the connection completely wires their brain kind of for the rest of their life. So if you- I know the attachment. So we could go in there. It's such a big thing. Of course, and we're not even touching upon that. talk about attachment About my gosh, a kid who has a healthy attachment, a healthy connection to you at that zero to three H, my gosh, it's gonna-

 

helps so many things for the rest of their life. But we're not even going to that. Let's just go to this other idea that really in this parent coaching that we're doing with parents, that the connection is so important because of the outcomes I get on a daily basis, which what we have noticed is the kid is more open, meaning the kid is more vulnerable.

 

more willing to talk to you about their life. In a metaphorical way, the door to their heart is more open, right? Because if you're like, man, my kid doesn't talk to me. I don't know what's going on. How was your day at school? I'm like, fine. It goes back to this. There's pat answers. Number two, the kid is more honest. So what I've noticed is kids that are highly connected with their parents, they trust more. They trust that they can tell their parents the truth and that their parents won't flip out on them. And even if they

 

do get mad that we'll come back and reconnect, right? There's that, okay? I'd say, so you got kids are more open, kids are more honest, but then when kids are highly connected, they're more receptive. So the third one I've noticed is they're just more open-handed, meaning they're more open and receptive to any wisdom you have to offer. So not only is their door more open, meaning they're more vulnerable with you and talking about what's going on in their life, but then they're more open when you have ideas, because they trust that those ideas are gonna be helpful to them.

 

You know, and then the last one is they're more cooperative. Okay, so they're in general, just like in our marriage, if you and I are highly connected, when I ask something from you, or you ask of me, I'm just more open to doing it, you know, because I'm like, Yeah, of course, you're awesome. Why wouldn't I, you know, and so those four, I mean, if you're listening right now, and you want kids are open, honest, tell the open honest, they are more receptive, and they are more cooperative.

 

You can only get that through connection. You can't demand that from a kid. You can try, but it's not gonna work. And when we're teaching parents, they come to us because they want things to change in their home. I want those things to change too. But that's why connection is so important because if the kid is going to be open to changing these things, connection has to be the foundation. So open kids, honest kids.

 

that are cooperative and that are receptive. That is awesome. But then what's so great about it, if I know those four things, Sara, then I know, when I'm not getting those, it's probably because the connection, I'm in the red. Somehow I've taken too much money out of the bank. So I need to go back and repair that by upping the connection. I need to make sure that kid knows I'm on their side. We're on the same team. And that's so...

 

It's great as a parent, right? Cause you're always looking for that key. What's going on right now? Here's the key here to start here, start here, start here. And if you do that, a lot of things will come together. And we've seen that over and over. We practice that over and over. so I just love a hundred percent of the time, Sara, if we're having a problem with one of our kids and we're like, what do we do to help them with this? Or how do we shift this? One of us will be like, well, I'll go connect with her this way or go connect with him.

 

We know we need to always start by creating the connection not coming up with the perfect lecture or some kind of great punishment None of that's gonna work. So it's gonna go. How do I connect to help these other things happen? You know now I didn't want to touch a little bit upon if you're saying dude, okay, I got it I want to connect but okay. Okay. Well, I love this from dr. Becky Bailey I love these four ways that she suggests are really helpful for connecting she calls them

 

joy juice, like these things create joy juice. And I'm telling you, Sara, when I bought into the power of connection and I came back from learning a lot of these things, when I went to these different conferences, you already knew a lot of this because of your work with babies and infants and how important it was. We already knew this, but then when she gave me these four things and I started implementing these four things, I did notice more joy in me when I spent time with them, okay? So we won't spend tons of time on these, but I do want to touch upon.

 

Yeah, that's a really fun little thing I want to highlight that you just said. Not only does it help them feel connected and it brings that joy juice to them, but it is, it does the same for us. And that's a lot of fun. Yeah, it is. It's not just something we're doing for them. Yes. We're doing it for us. We're doing it for the relationship. Yeah. Like I'm even thinking how many times I've gone to the grocery store and one of the kids has gone with me. And when I've decided to be like, man, I'm going focus on really connecting with them through this. It's been really fun. And the grocery time,

 

went by really quick and we're laughing, we're getting groceries, we're learning stuff. It's just really, really cool. Instead of, I remember as a kid sometimes going with my parents grumbling and like wasn't fun and we just need to get it done. But when we do it with the kids and we choose to connect through that time, it can be very enjoyable. Okay. So the number one thing that helps connection in your marriage, but also in your parenting is touch. And so can you speak a little bit why touch is so

 

Yeah. Okay. So humans are just made for touch. So from a scientific standpoint, um, I'm going to not say this as well as the person who said it first, but, it's sort of like your brain, your skin is actually made of similar cells. And so it actually brings a lot of health. A lot of things happen in our brain and our happiness, our joy juice increases when we have touch. So, you know, if you've had a baby in the hospitals, a lot of times they're saying, put that baby on your chest. You know, you want to hold that child.

 

And and so there's a lot of emphasis on when they're babies, but that actually continues your entire life. Yes. And so if you've heard of Hey, you need to hug eight times a day, you know, four is just for survival. You know, there's all kinds of different numbers rolling around out there. But the whole point is, we need touch, and our children need touch. And so it can be hugs, it can be cuddles, but it can also be rub their back or there's lots of ways to get

 

fun touch in there with our kids. so touch is really important. Number two is eye contact. And you know, Sara, know there's, are some, sometimes when you have a kid who's, you know, maybe got autism or some kind of neurodivergent issue going on, eye contact may not be the way to go, but eye contact in general, think about it. When you're talking to somebody, you want them looking in the eye, right? It really helps to see their face and see their eyes, you know? And I know when I did drug and alcohol groups, Sara, like,

 

I would be looking around the room at these people and those people who made eye contact, you just felt encouraged. You felt like, cool, they're getting it. They're listening. This is awesome, right? I don't know where their brain was, but their eyes made it look like that. And I love it. There was one time that this may sound silly to some people. We went to a marriage conference one time and I felt the power of the eye contact where he asked us for two minutes to look each other in the eye. And I would say, I love you. And then you would say, thank you. I love you too. And then I would say, thank you. And at first we wanted to laugh.

 

which is like, is so silly. But after about a minute, like I wanted to cry. I was like, I could just feel the love from you impacting me and then my love coming back to you. And it was like, oh my gosh, this eye contact thing is so powerful. And even you've done it with your little kids. I know there's times where my kids are talking to me and I purposely just tried to focus in on their eyes and just like, there's so much being communicated through them and you feel just so much more deeply connected to them through the eye

 

And so the third one is presence. Okay. So tell us about the power of presence. What does that mean? Well, I think we've all known it, known what it's like to be in conversation with someone or to be with someone, but feel like they're only half there with you. Right. And you're like, wait, did you just hear what I hear? What I said? Or their answer doesn't seem connected to what you were saying. So presence is just being every distraction aside. I am

 

looking at you, I am here with you, I see you, I hear you, and that is really, really, really powerful. Yeah, huge, man. mean, there's nothing more annoying than trying to talk to somebody and they seem like they're in some of the space. And you're like, you feel like, why am I wasting my time with this? So then the fourth one is playfulness, okay? That man, just, the power of you smiling and enjoying them and playing with them, whether that's through.

 

roughhousing or whether that's just through laughing together, whether that's just like, you know, wrestling, tickling, you all these kind of fun things that kids love to do. Because in those moments, we're not mad. We're not yelling, you know, I look back at almost all the activities, Sara, that I really enjoyed with my dad and mom, and that I want to do with our kids today. I look back and there are times my parents are being playful. Yeah, you know, times of my parents were laughing with us. Joke around. Yeah, silly, because you feel safe.

 

You feel safe in those moments, right? That's how your kids are going to make friendships. Like they're going to make the closest friends with people who they can be playful with, you know? And so the power of playfulness cannot be overstated, but take these four, touch, eye contact, being present and being playful. When you are intentionally connecting with your kids or even just trying to just get little moments throughout the day with your spouse or with your, with your children, add these in there. You know, it doesn't hurt to walk by and just rub your kids back or to come by and just look them in the face and say, I love you. You're awesome.

 

These little things are mind-blowingly effective and all too often we're just not being intentional because we're overwhelmed, we're busy, we're over-scheduled and it just doesn't, it's not, we're not putting it as a priority. Yeah. But if you pick one or two or pick something you feel and just build it into a habit pretty soon, it's not something that's taking so much effort on your part. You know, it's just how you show up and how you are and then add another one and then add another one. So just think about which one do I want to start with?

 

How can I do that? And let me just get that practice going and then add some more. Yeah. So I hope that helps you understand better the power of connection. It's more than just playing with your kid. There is, it's a core concept that if you want to raise kids that are open, honest, receptive and cooperative, it's a necessary part of that. So I hope you were able to take these, this idea and implement those four that we just talked about and begin seeing the joy increase in you, the joy in them.

 

see how it begins to transform how you guys work through some of the hard stuff in your family, because it will be a game changer. So thank you so much for listening to us today. And thank you so much for being on this journey, the core four. We would love to hear your feedback. Email me, Kyle at artaraisinghumans.com. Love to hear how you're implementing these, how it's changing your family or even other ones you would say, this is a pillar in our family. We'd love to hear that feedback too. And we'd love getting those thoughts from listeners. So we hope you have a wonderful day.

 

Thank you for listening.

 

I know everybody listening to these podcasts would love to raise kids that are just open with them, know, kids that tell the truth, kids that just are more cooperative when they're asked to do things. And sometimes we just kind of throw our hands up and say, why is this so hard? What are we missing? Well, today we're going to talk about our fourth core concept with you that we believe is at the heart of all of those questions. And we're not only going to discuss the

 

power of connection, but we're going to dive deep into it, how it's going to transform your relationship with your kid, going to transform how your kid interacts with the world. And then we're going to give you four real quick, easy ways that you can, a moment by moment throughout the day, begin implementing more and more connection to have a bank account that is full with your kids. You're not going to want to this conversation. If you have not taken the time to do this yet, please take a moment to definitely

 

review this comment. We, that helps us so much to be seen by other people. So more people have access to this, share it with your friends and definitely find us on social media. If you have a business, a YouTube, Instagram, Facebook or Tik TOK, we're wanting to reach more and more people through that as well. But you're going to get more content when you go explore that. And so we really look forward to finally finishing up this four core series that we've been doing. And it's going to really equip your family to.

 

create you and your spouse or partner to create the family that you want with your kids.