As parents, we often find ourselves navigating the turbulent waters of our children's emotions. While it's natural to want to fix every problem and soothe every hurt, one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the ability to take responsibility for their own feelings. This skill is crucial for developing emotional intelligence and resilience. 🙌🏼
We all want kids who confidently trust they can endure, cope, and recover from all the tough stuff that is part of life! This is resilience.
For starters, we parents need to remember our children's brains are new to feeling all these big emotions and they can be quite overwhelming! Pause for a moment and think of a recent time you felt something big and how you are still working on growing in your own skills. We're all a work in progress and that's okay! As we wait for their brain to mature, we can lend them our skills and be a great help to them! We can share our sense of calm, our *more* developed brain, and our own regulation skills (even if we're still working on it ourselves).
Here's how we can guide our children towards emotional ownership:
1. Validate their emotions
First and foremost, acknowledge your child's feelings. Saying things like "I can see you're feeling angry", "i believe you", or "It looks like you're frustrated" shows that you recognize and accept their emotions. This validation creates a safe space for them to explore their feelings.
2. Teach emotional vocabulary
Help your child name their emotions. The more words they have to describe their feelings, the better they can understand and manage them. Use everyday situations to expand their emotional lexicon beyond just "happy," "sad," or "mad." Some other creative feelings words we like are: frustrated, annoyed, exacerbated, excited, thrilled, satisfied, calm, proud, relieved, amused, scared, worried, and confused. Exploring feeling words with your children can be fun and a great activity for connection!
3. Model emotional responsibility
Children learn by example. When you're upset, verbalize your feelings and demonstrate healthy coping strategies. "I'm feeling frustrated right now, so I'm going to take a few deep breaths to calm down." At an age appropriate level, share with your kids different feelings you have had and how you take care of yourself in those times.
4. Encourage problem-solving
When your child is upset, resist the urge to immediately fix the situation. Instead, ask questions like "What do you think you could do to feel better?" This empowers them to find solutions and take control of their emotional state.
5. Teach the link between thoughts, feelings, and actions
Help your child understand that their thoughts influence their feelings, which in turn affect their actions. This awareness is the first step in learning to manage emotions proactively. An event happens, we have thoughts about that event, feelings rise up, and we take action. This happens in seconds and bringing awareness is a great step towards responding instead of reacting to what happens in life.
6. Avoid blame games
Encourage your child to express their feelings without blaming others. Instead of "You
made me angry!", guide them towards "I feel angry when..." If we blame others, we lose our power. The other person or event is running the show. If we keep the power, we have the ability to own our feelings and do something to take care. of ourselves and feel better.
8. Celebrate emotional growth
Acknowledge when your child handles their emotions well. "I noticed how you calmed yourself down when you were frustrated!"
Remember, learning to take responsibility for one's feelings is a gradual process. Be patient and consistent in your approach. By helping our children develop this crucial skill, we're setting them up for healthier relationships and greater emotional well-being throughout their lives!
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