Siblings are our first friends, the ones we share our childhood with, and if nurtured properly, this bond can last a lifetime. However, growing up together often brings its share of conflicts and disagreements.
There are lots of days when I hear my kids playing well together and then 2 seconds later, I hear that shift in tone. You know the one I'm talking about? The one where you know things are about to escalate and the fighting will ensue!
We've all been there. Sibling conflict is normal and we accept that; however, we want our kids to get along and we want them to be able to resolve their disagreements! 💯
Additionally, research teaches us that sibling conflict left unchecked can negatively impact competence, life satisfaction, mental health, and self esteem in children.
As parents, we have the power to help turn these conflicts into opportunities for growth and understanding that can transform their sibling relationship into one of the most cherished friendships they’ll ever have! Here’s how to help:
Coach Don't Referee
If you enter into your kids' conflict as a referee, you are there to determine who is at fault and hand out the consequences. This approach, though often our go-to, doesn't teach children how to resolve conflict, can escalate the tension, and hurt relationships. It basically pits one kid against the other to make their case with you, the referee. It also hurts their relationship with you. Player-referee relationships aren't usually that great! 😬
However, if you enter the conflict as a coach, you come in as a helper. 🦸🏼♂️ You come in to teach, to instruct, to help them build the skills they need to handle conflict when it arises. This is powerful because they can take the skills you've given them into all future relationships and conflicts!
Avoid Comparisons
We will naturally notice differences among our children, but we need to be careful what we say and do. We need to watch the ways we might celebrate one child and not another. One child might love what you love or be good at something that is important to you, but if we're not aware, we might unintentionally send the wrong message to our other child. We want to intentionally notice each child, their skills, interests, etc. and celebrate them equally. Loudly broadcast your love and pride of each child!
Attention
This is a big one! Children need our attention. 💞 It seems obvious, but sometimes we are busy and are naturally with one child more than another. Or, a big thing is happening in one kid's life (great achievement, tournament, production, science fair, graduation, etc.) and it's taking a big share of our time and attention. Look for these moments when the other child might need a little extra intentional time.
Do special things together
Spend time with each child individually and regularly. Do things they choose and enjoy. Follow their lead in play and activities. This attention will do wonders for their sense of self and connection!
Remember, though having a good couple hours is special, sometimes squeezing in 5 minutes is a stretch in our schedule! In those seasons of life, take 10-15 minutes to check in, have a conversation before bed, or go for a walk. Connecting with our kiddos and giving them attention helps them feel secure in our relationship with them which helps reduce sibling conflict.
Rituals
Create rituals/traditions that are special to your family and relationships. Rituals
are a powerful way to connect people! You can create family, sibling, and parent-child rituals or traditions. Some great opportunities for rituals include: back to school, greetings, farewells, birthdays, family nights, mealtimes, volunteering, holidays, chore time, and seasons. There are lots of opportunities to build in a ritual to connect family members and help bolster a relationship.
Here's a couple examples from the list above:
Chore time: you have a set time each week to clean through the house. You turn on some fun, loud music as you clean. When everything is done, you call for a dance party to end the chore time, and that is how cleaning is done in your house!
Back to school: The day before school starts, you grab food at one of your favorite spots, take it to the pool, and have a mini swim party to celebrate the transition.
Season: Every fall your family heads to the pumpkin patch to grab some fun family pictures and each pick out a pumpkin of their choosing. When you get home, you make up some hot cocoa and carve the pumpkins!
We're for each other
Create a family atmosphere where you cheer each and every member on! We have a saying in our house and we use it often (especially during times of conflict) to create closeness and to remind us that we are each other's biggest fan! We say, "We are for each other!"
You can create your own saying that is a reminder that you are family and always rooting for each other. If I am "for someone" that means I am not against them. That means we can figure this out and move forward together! 🫶🏼
Another way to be "for each other" is to look for times to celebrate one another! Notice each child and teach your children to do the same. Be on the lookout for these moments and give them more attention than you do the mistakes.
Create a jar or board where you write little notes of gratitude for each other and about each other. Create a home atmosphere where you all celebrate your great family!
Even though sibling conflict is normal, it is hard! It's hard on all of us. But, I want us to remember that we, as their parents, are profoundly helpful to our children during times of conflict!
WE can come in with love and a sense of calm and lend that to our children when they need it most. WE can create an atmosphere where each family member is seen and valued. WE can help our children navigate these tough times and grow together not apart!
What are some ways you’ve strengthened the relationships with your children? Share your tips and experiences in the comments below!
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