By Sara Wester, LPC - @artofraisinghumans
Are you curious about time-ins instead of time-outs?
Early in my career I worked with families with young children. Part of my training included learning all the "best" ways to do time-outs. Meaning, all the techniques to use in order for the time-outs to be the most effective and help with troublesome behaviors in children.
However, as I continued to learn about healthy attachment and brain development (more brain science was emerging at that time), time-outs grew to be something I wanted to leave behind. I would have never guessed that shift would happen in me. 🤯
Do you have parenting tools you have left or want to leave behind?
Since then, I've had conversations with other parents who voice that time-outs either don't work, work sometimes, or they don't like how they feel for them or their child. But, it can be hard to know what to do instead.
Children need connection to us, their caregivers, to help them emotionally regulate and learn the skills they're lacking to change their troublesome behaviors. Time-outs just simply don't provide the connection that best helps children regulate and grow.
📚 If you want to read more about the trouble with time-outs, I encourage you to start with a couple experts we love! One is Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting, https://www.alfiekohn.org/unconditional-parenting-book/, who speaks thoroughly about the research and findings of time-outs. Another excellent resource is Dr. Laura Markham at www.peacefulparenthappykids.com, She has lots of helpful articles and books that share info about time-outs and time-ins!
In place of time-outs, time-ins became my focus. I found time-ins to be so rewarding because I could see how they helped the child grow and promoted the parent-child relationship! 💞
"Time-ins" are an alternative to time-outs and focus on connecting with the child, teaching emotional regulation, and resolving conflicts together. Woohoo! 🎉
The goal is to guide the child through their emotions and resolve the conflict while maintaining a strong parent-child bond. If you want to begin or brush up on your time-in skills, here are five steps for implementing time-ins effectively:
Stay Calm and Regulate Yourself
Why it matters - Children often mirror the emotional states of their caregivers. Before addressing the child’s behavior, take a moment to regulate your own emotions to ensure you are calm and ready to guide them. 🌱
How to do it - Take deep breaths and calm yourself before engaging with your child. As you wait for take-off in a plane, remember how the flight attendants always tell you in the case of flight troubles to put on your own oxygen mask before you help your child? That same idea applies here. It starts with you. If you approach a situation with your child and are calm, it will help your child regulate too. Your goal is to calm your limbic system and move into your prefrontal cortex so you can help your child do the same.
It is in this place of emotional regulation that you know you are safe and loved and able to learn and grow. Your child needs to be in this place to learn new skills and retain them. Accept your child and this moment just as it is and you'll be in a better place to creatively engage your child and help resolve the conflict. Avoid reacting in anger or frustration.
We all make mistakes, no shame here, so if you do react in anger or frustration, give yourself grace, repair with your child, and try again.
Create a Safe, Quiet Space
Why it matters - Time-ins are meant to be calming and supportive. Though they can be done anywhere, it can be helpful to designate a space where the child can recover and calm down, such as a cozy corner with pillows or emotionally regulating activities. This area should feel comforting, not punitive. A lot of kiddos enjoy creating this space with you before it is needed. Whether or not you create a designated spot, make sure that time-ins are in a space that is comforting to the child.
We had a corner with a big chair, basket full of calming activities, and our Self Control Board by Dr. Becky Bailey, https://consciousdiscipline.com/product/i-choose-self-control-board/
How to do it - Lead the child to a specific "time-in" space where they can sit quietly. Make sure the environment is free of distractions or overwhelming stimuli. If they don't want to go to the space (a "space" doesn't work for everyone), no worries, just be where they're comfortable. The goal is safety, comfort, and connection. Moving away from the conflict and into a space of safety can help shift the situation.
Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings
Why it matters - Validating your child’s emotions helps them feel understood and teaches them that all feelings are acceptable, even if certain behaviors are not. It is actually through acceptance and empathy that emotions can be healed.
How to do it - Say something like, “I see you’re feeling really upset right now. It’s okay to feel angry/sad/frustrated.” I have felt that way too." Or, "I can see how you feel that way. A lot of kids feel upset when.... happens." This shows empathy and encourages them to identify their emotions.
We want to send the message that we see and can handle their feelings. We understand their feelings. We can set boundaries around how those feelings are expressed and accept the feelings at the same time.
Help Them Name and Process Their Emotions
Why it matters - Emotional literacy is an important skill. When children can name their emotions, they are better able to manage them. Just naming a feeling helps the brain and body begin to heal and move through the emotion so it doesn't get stuck in the body or expressed in ways that hurts the child or others. Time-ins offer an opportunity to teach emotional regulation skills.
How to do it - Use simple language appropriate to their age, like, “It looks like you’re feeling really angry because you wanted that toy and someone else is playing with it." Or, if they are able to tell you what they're feeling, say an empathetic, understanding message like, "You're really disappointed that you can't go to your friend's house right now. That is very disappointing. Thank you for telling me."
There are lots of ways to help children name their feelings and express that you understand and empathize with their feelings. The parent's goal is to express a genuine understanding of what they are experiencing. We may not even agree with the feeling, but we can always relate to an emotion they're feeling from own life circumstance. I may not understand huge upset feelings over getting the wrong frosting color on my cupcake, but I can understand disappointment from experiences in my life.
After you've connected with them and empathized with their feeling, you can begin to help. Ask them, "What do you think we can do to help you feel better?” If they don't have ideas, offer some. Some ideas my kids like include: art/drawing, journal, shoot some baskets, listen to music, go outside, talk to us about how they feel, and using the app, Stress Ball,
Teach Problem-Solving or Coping Strategies
Why it matters - Time-ins are not just about calming down; they are about teaching children to handle similar situations better in the future. Once the child is calm, you can help them think through solutions or coping techniques.
How to do it - Offer strategies like deep breathing, counting to ten, or asking for help. Engage the child in problem-solving by asking, “What can we do next time when you feel upset?” Encourage them to come up with ideas and discuss what actions are appropriate. This is also the time to explore how to handle whatever the upsetting situation or event was differently the next time.
When the child isn't upset, practice these skills. It's like any muscle or other skill, its needs to be built over time and with lots of repetition!! 🚀
Bonus Step: Reconnect and Reaffirm Love
After the time-in, it’s important to reaffirm your love and connection. Give them a hug or say, “Thank you for telling me about that. I’m always here to help you when things get tough.” This helps solidify the bond and reinforces that discipline is about guidance, not punishment.
These steps focus on teaching emotional regulation and maintaining a positive relationship between the parent and child while addressing challenging behaviors in a supportive way.
If you want some parent coaching to help you with time-ins (and more strategies!) to strengthen relationship and build skills in your children, please contact us or schedule a session below.
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