Episode 128

Hello and welcome to the art of raising humans. I'm Kyle. Hi, I'm Sara. And Sara, today I want to talk about the power of words. Are words important? Yes. Okay, I'm sorry. had a stupid question. Yes. I'm sorry. Okay, but yeah, the words we say are powerful, right? Both to ourselves, to each other as a couple, but also to the words that we say to our kids. Right. You know? And I think everyone would agree with that. Yeah.

I hope so every listener words are important like the way we talk to each other is powerful. Yeah, our self talk is important, right? That it's all a work in progress, but we know that to be true. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of science to show that right? mean, just from our internal dialogue, I think everybody listening has heard that or talked about that that man if I'm just beating myself up all the time or or saying negative, it doesn't really bring about anything positive, right? If you don't know that, yeah.

learn it. We just like we just shared that with you. Yeah. And we're not coming from a place of like just pop psychology. I mean, this is something that's I'm sure you've experienced within yourself, that if I'm calling myself all types of negative things, right? Like, I'm so stupid, or I'm so lazy, or I'm so whatever. Those kind of words actually are demotivating and harmful. Yeah. And I think we all have those messages, you know, maybe

And again, to go back to our childhood, they usually start somewhere there. had a teacher or a parent or an aunt or somebody who might have kind of taught you that critical voice. know, we know that children aren't really born with that naturally. It is something that they'll pick up on. And then we carry that into adulthood. You mess up and you think, why did I do that?

always so forgetful or I'm so and we that we repeat those things over and over and it's hard to undo. Well, and you bring that up. I'm seeing there's a lot of kids that have come into the practice over the decade or more that we've been doing this. And a lot of it is you the kids are elementary school and they're already being so negative themselves already beating themselves up already like being so hard on themselves, you know, and it's really hard for the parents to hear that and listen to right. But but I think in this podcast, we really want to talk about not to say where that necessarily comes from.

but ways in which we can help shift how that happens in our home, right? Because I think many times it's not saying any of these parents do that on purpose or it's their fault per se, right? But it is, we can go down a slippery slope of where we start to shift how our kid is viewing the negative all the time within themselves. Yeah, yeah. And so I think we all can get there as parents, right? We all can do this. And so this is a conversation to shine some light on it and what we can do about it, right? Because that's really what we...

We love to talk about what the power we as parents have and building our skills to do the best we can. So I wrote down some specific ones that I've heard a lot lately. Okay. And these are common ones I've heard over the decade or more we've been doing this, but also just ones I've been hearing more lately. Okay. So

this is by far not an exhaustive list. And I'm sure if you have some more that you'd like to add in the comments or share with us as a listener, say, I heard this a lot as a kid, or sometimes I say this to my kids, right? But the ones I've been hearing, I kind of put down maybe maybe like five, I've a lot, liar, manipulative, defiant or disobedience, and disrespectful. So those five, okay? So I've heard a lot of those lately and I find sometimes

where I'm spending almost a big part of the session just trying to help change the way in which we're saying that. And it's not as if you and I are saying we're gonna stick our head in the sand and act like we don't see the negative behavior and we're only gonna look at all the happy moments, They're just so precious all the time. so we're not even, we're not trying to say instead of,

talking about those negative behaviors, we only talk about all these other positive ones, right? Obviously those parents are bringing those behaviors up because they see them as problematic. You know? I'm surprised you didn't hear lazy. you're right. I probably should light that down. So laziness, put that one down too. I mean, manipulative, messy. Yes. I don't know. I'm trying to go through the ones even that have gone through my head or something like, that kid, they're so, you know. Yeah.

we do this even with other adults, we do it with kids too. We're like, that kid is, you know, fill in the blank. Yeah, well, we have her I didn't say this. Sometimes we even heard sometimes people saying my kids a little terrorist, or you know, other types. Yes, drama. mean, we've heard those right that they just are less common. We've heard these and at times I'm called Mike. I mean, it's not to say that's like we're here. my god, your kids can be screwed up rest of their life. If you say that or describe them that way. But I am saying like when I hear that I think

Wow, I hope that little kid doesn't hear this story a lot. know? Yeah. And I think even in ourselves, something like that might hit our, come into our head and then we think, hold on. You know? And it's sort of a, one of those like flash red flag to yourself, you know, or the flashing little light of, Hey, careful here. It's like a warning light in your car. Yeah. I'm going like, wait, maybe this is not helpful. You know? Cause in that moment, that child might have lied or might have.

fill in the blank. Manipulated that situation. But if we let ourselves go down that road of seeing them that way, it creates all kinds of problems. Yeah. And I think at the outset, think, well, well, yes, I mean, I can kind of agree to that. But what problems does it cause? Well, I'd ask you this, Sara, before we get into how we change this is why do we even define behavior this way? You know, because I think to some extent,

There are ways that we've stopped defining it, know, meaning that like, I don't actually hear a lot of parents just call their kids dumb or call their kids stupid or call their, these kinds of, I think a lot in society in general, we have agreed what that's really mean to say that about your kid. Like, I think all our kids have done dumb things or actually said stupid things, right? But we don't just go, wow, our kid, he's just stupid. Our kid's dumb. That just seems like everybody, you heard that we wouldn't. If somebody said that you think,

I know, I my gosh, dude. Hang on. Yeah, so I mean, I typically, when somebody does that, there's like, easy, a big light goes on and like, that's problematic. But if somebody calls them a liar, manipulative, we might laugh at that or go, I know what you're talking about. My kids the same way, right? why do we then define it that way? You know, I was just thinking, I think a lot of it comes to just being afraid. Like I said, we don't, there are certain behaviors that we, at least the parents we're around are the ones that we help throughout the country and throughout the world.

they seem to focus in on certain behaviors that seem to cause more fear. None of us wants to raise a liar. None of us wants to raise a kid. So there is that component, right? That we don't really want to raise a kid with these attributes, because it's embarrassing for us. It's scary. Maybe we would have really felt like a failure as a parent. But there's also the sense, I think we don't want to be fooled. We don't want to be taken advantage of. We don't want to look like an idiot when we believe our kid and they lied to us again.

or they somehow tricked us by manipulating us into getting something for them, right? There's that fear as well, you know? Yeah, I mean, I think there's a lot to it. I think as simple as our brains are pattern seeking and we tend to categorize things. So if your kid does something a couple of times, it's just sort of human nature to go, that's the category they fit in. This one is the liar. Yeah, yeah. And because you have to do that to survive in life, you know?

if every time I come to this stoplight, a truck just speeds right by or something, you if I know in the morning at 8 a at this stoplight, I'm gonna be cautious, because my brain...

The moment that happens once my brain goes, on here, this may not be safe. watch for that again. And so even when it comes to your child lying or something, your brain goes, on here. They may not be trustworthy. Right. And so, cause your brain is trying to protect you. so there's this automatic thing that happens in us that goes, this might not be okay. They may fit into this category. You need to be cautious. You know, so it's there to sort of look out for you.

but it doesn't always serve us in this in relationships and with our children, whereas it serves me at the stoplight. It doesn't necessarily serve me here. Yeah. And it makes us become really hyper vigilant. Right. Yeah. And so that's something I hope every listener hears this. Okay. Is that yes, every kid at times is going to lie. Yes. Every kid at times is going to manipulate. Yes. I mean, all these disobeyed, disobeyed, defiant, whatever the thing is disrespectful that all those behaviors are going to happen.

But like Sara's saying is when our brains are hyper vigilant about looking for them, you know? Like for instance, let's say you had a truck one time, got really close and you almost wrecked, right? You'd be more vigilant about looking for other trucks. And so every time you're driving, you'd be like, my God, is there a truck? think I see a truck, you know? And so I think lots of what parents don't understand is sometimes the behavior the kid is doing is perfectly normal behavior, right? It's just.

normal developmental things they're going through, right? Normal cause and effect that a kid is seeing, you know? But the fear will cause us to be hypervigilant to see it, and then it will start to create this whole like file in our brain of every time they're even close to being that. Or if they're not even, your brain will...

you know, if it looks like the same truck, I'll think that that's, that's the dangerous truck, you know, and maybe a little bit reaching there, but, your brain will start to see things as if they, even if they aren't there, your brain will see them because of that hyper vigil. Sara, this has happened. And I know maybe some parents listening have heard of this kind of situation before, or this happened to you, where Sara, I've had parents who have, you know, their relationship with their kid has gotten, you know, kind of a

hurt or whatever, right? And they're not as trusting, you know, and then I'm helping the kid and the kid will tell me that the kid comes up and does something sweet and kind for their parents. And every listener knows what does the parent say in that moment? go, just trying to manipulate. Yeah, they'll say somebody what do you want now? Right? And the kid like will tell me it really hurts them. Because they really actually the parent has complained how they're selfish. we forgot that that one.

how they're selfish, they're never thinking of others. And in this moment, they did something different and they still framed it like it was the other behavior. then like, I'm sure if anyone's ever been that kid or you've done, it feels like, then why am I even trying to change, you know? They're telling the truth, but the parent still thinks they're lying. I mean, these kids will sometimes, and maybe you've done this as an adult, you've tried to change something, but people still see you that way. mean,

people you hear that all the time, you know, when you go home for Christmas, know, and you're like, am not that person I used to be. But your family can't see you a different way. Yeah, you know, they always lock you into that. Yeah. Yeah. And that's the risk you run with your kid, you'll see things like I'm not, that's not what I was doing. And yeah, but as the parent, you still see it that way. Yeah, I'm even thinking that man, I had this one kid too, when you go back to lazy, I was helping this one kid who, you he would he was

working really hard at school, had a job, he had a lot of responsibilities. If he was laying on the couch for more than like 10 minutes, then one of the parents would come in and call him lazy. Now some people call that relaxing. Some people would call that self care, right? And I think the word that comes to my mind is accusing. It's these accusations. I mean, if we could even throw that at anytime I'm actually talking about my kid or my wife, for instance, like that, I mean, I'm thinking if I'm talking to my other guy friends, I'm telling them stories about you and like my wife is,

this and this and this, even though there may be some truth to it. It's not as if like all of those descriptions are based in lies or they're just completely made up, right? They're not fabricated. So, but that's the tricky part. How does accusing that person of that behavior and talking about it in that way, how does that help the change happen? How does that invite better, healthier relationship to grow from that? And what it does remind me very much is a fixed mindset. We want to be really, really careful to have a

we want to avoid a fixed mindset. want that growth mindset. So if we put that kid in that fixed category, it kind of makes them stuck there. if they then also, if they start to believe that, which is so easy, those voices in your head, and they then create a fixed mindset about themselves. This is just who I am and how I am and I can't change.

And so then we're mad at them. Yeah, for being the very thing we keep telling them they are, Or even if we're trying to be careful not to say it, if we're thinking that, if we have that fixed mindset about them, kids will still pick up on that in our body language, our facial expressions, words. We know this. We've talked about this in other podcasts.

Words are not always the most powerful. I they're very, powerful, but they are not the only thing our kids get messages from. Our facial expressions, how we interact, we can't hide it. We can't hide what's inside. It's going to come out and kids pick up on that and then they go, that's my identity. Yeah. And that's the power of words, right? So I'm even thinking of, yeah, saying the kid is selfish or saying the kid is a brat or saying these kinds of things. These become self -fulfilling.

prophecies. so I mean, if I if I'm thinking that I'm even thinking so like what you're saying, I was thinking if I think somebody is just stupid, if I think somebody's dumb, I mean, typically, it's hard for them to say anything smart, right? And even if they did say something smart, you'd be like, that was an outlier. There's no way that's not the norm. Right? They shocked me by that smart thing they said, but typically, they're a moron, you know? And so as I'm thinking of these accusations,

If listeners are watching on YouTube, which if you are, go to YouTube and watch this. I'm holding my hands together in like a fist, so that fixed mindset is it becomes closed and it's like the story cannot change because I'm gripping it so hard. Whereas what we want is we want the hand to be open to where it's not that once again, we're not going with our eyes closed or just We're not denying something is there. There's a difference that can cross over when you really start to see that person that way as that.

Versus I mean there's a difference between saying someone's a liar and someone lied. Yes You know there you can feel it Yeah, and when I think of my kid is this is the kid who always or who is that's when I want to run into a problem Yeah, you're really gonna get resistance most of the time from that person Okay So what we want to do is give you steps to change and shift this because I think it's so helpful if this is happening in your marriage or even other friendships This is really helpful to you

because we want to be able to change that conversation. We want to train our brain to focus on the behavior that we're actually wanting rather than the behavior we're trying to resist. Well, and really, okay, so if we have the habit of saying, my kid is lies, you know, this is, know, and they are a liar. It's really apply that same thing your brain wants to do. Your brain wants to sort of find this pattern and, be watchful for something. And so instead of,

letting your attention go so strongly there, just decide where you want your attention to go and go to that. Yeah. So that's step one. So I mean, this is something that we did early on. And so for every listener, this is seriously how Sara and I do it. Like we really don't ever, if our kids were to lie, we don't spend a lot of time talking about lying. We spend time talking about the truth because we want our kids to know how to be truthful, how to be honest, right? And once again, it's not to say that there isn't

lies happening at times, but we want to shift towards what we want to grow. So in this case, we want honesty, or when it comes to manipulation, we really want our kids to be able to know we want to work together as a team, we want to cooperate. I remember as a kid, I could have, my behaviors could have been described as manipulative, but it was really because I understood cause and effect. I knew if I asked dad this, about this thing, he would react this way. If I asked mom this, and so.

really I try to tell parents if you're seeing manipulation, it's really just a smart and intelligent kid. They've actually done studies on that too. Lying and manipulation are associated with really high intelligence. Yeah. And then even things like, well, if you want to call it disobedience or defiance, you know, this is where it, I'm now, if my focus is I'm trying to get them to obey or, or comply. want to focus on cooperating together, you know? So it's shifting my focus from the negative, the bad,

to instead, I'm gonna focus on what I want to focus because we know that what you focus on, you will get more of. just take a moment and think about that. What you focus on, you will get more of. What you water, you will grow. You always want to be thinking about where you want to go, where you're going, not what you're avoiding, not where you're leaving. Where are you going? So if I'm like, don't wanna lie, don't wanna lie, don't wanna lie, don't wanna lie.

That's where my brain starts wiring all about lying. And so it does with our kids too, where if I focus on how we communicate and honesty or trust, you know, if I work on that, then my brain is wiring in that direction and your children are that way. So wherever you are pointed, that's the direction your brain is going to go. Okay. That's where we're headed. And so, so that would be step one. Step one will be shifting my focus to what I want instead of what I don't want.

know, shifting my focus towards where I want us to go in our relationship rather than what fear is telling me to stop, you know? And you'll see more of it. If you do that, you'll see more of it. Yeah. And then the second step would be shifting how we intentionally talk about our kids. You know, it's not to say there may not be times you're venting and you're upset and there's a couple like, I feel so manipulated by them right now. I'm so sick of them lying. Like you might say that in those heated moments, but even when we talk that way,

we know that's not helpful to us moving towards a more honest, cooperative, respectful relationship with our kids. We're not gonna sit there in that. We're gonna move out of that, help each other move out of that and move in the direction we wanna go. In a similar way, just like in our marriage. If I was frustrated with you in some way and I'm talking to a friend of mine and I'm phrasing it in a negative way, all of my friends would inevitably help me shift it back to a more like,

what I really want in the marriage. Because that's really what's causing the conflict is I want honesty, not dishonesty, right? I want respect rather than disrespect. if you have a partnership with your spouse like we do, we really want to keep each other accountable to doing that, to like, hey, inevitably, let's talk about how we can grow this other thing rather than going in circles about how bad the kid is and how all these negative things, because that's never going to help us.

Okay, so third step would be now I want to invite the kid in to having this type of interaction. So I want to give an example, you know, there was a time when Abby was really little. And I remember this so clearly, because this was when we were trying to shift this, at least for me, I think you were already there, but I was still working on it. And that there was one time I'm mowing the lawn, and Abby wanted to go do some water play with some other kids in our neighborhood that were you had a hose and they were shooting water.

And she came to me and asked if she could do it. And I said, no, I don't want you to do that. And I kind of said it because it was inconvenient to me at that moment. I didn't want to have to mow the lawn and watch her because she was only like four and five at the time. And so then she went inside the house and then came out a few minutes later and she had a bathing suit on was running across the street. And I was like, this is interesting. So I stopped the lawnmower and I go over to her. You have that dad thing like, no. I'm like, what is happening? I'm all upset at her. I'm all mad.

How dare she like not listen to me and not you. So I go over and I get down on her level say, hey, what did I say? And she said, what do you mean? I don't know. I said you could not do this. And now you're doing it. yeah, mom said I could. and now I'm like, okay, now this is it. I'm gonna storm in that house and I'm gonna talk to Sara. I'm so mad about this. How dare she say this after I already said no, she didn't even ask me right. So I go over inside the house when I asked you, you say, I don't even

She said, you're so funny. told you said, Abby said that I told her she could do it, right? Yes. And so then I was like, now look what we're getting here. We got this kid who's manipulating us. classic, you know, parents against each other tactic. I'm on to you, Abby, right? But then I was like, okay, I'm not in a good place to talk about this because all I can see is the bad. I'm not even open to hearing her heart on this.

It's like she is being bad and I've got to somehow come down on her. So I walked over to her and I said, hey, Abby, okay, listen, I just talked to mom and I kind of like brought me exposed it. And I say, I'm not gonna talk anymore about this. You're already in your swimsuit, you're already getting wet, just go get wet. I'm gonna go mow the lawn, we'll talk about this later. And what we did after I mowed the lawn, I spent that time when I mow the lawn, just getting myself into a more positive place. I love my daughter. Like the whole reason why this hurt was because I wanna raise a daughter who I can trust.

And I want her to trust me and I want what I want our words to mean something. And I want like if I say no, I want her to understand that be able to accept that right. So when we came back, the lawnmower is done, I'm showered a much calmer place, then I'm able to get on her level. And I said to Abby, Hey, Abby, you know what, when you say things, don't you like it that I believe what you're saying? And she said yes. And I like it when you believe what I'm saying, right? She said, yeah, I really like that, dad. And we have these strengths that kind of tie us together to help us believe that those have all happened.

because of a lot of positive experiences where you have done what you said and I did what I said, right? That's awesome. She's like, I really like that. Today, a few of those broke, okay? Because today you know what I said. And I don't want us to have a relationship where those strings are broken, where we're always second guessing each other, you know? And she's like, dad, I don't want that either. And so we gave each other a big hug and I said, from now on, we're gonna be honest with each other. And let me be honest with you. I didn't even listen to what you wanted. Like I just said no, because it was inconvenient to me.

and next time I will take more time to consider what you're saying. Now I may still say no, and I want you to accept that, but I will promise you that I'll take more time. She said, next time dad, I won't do that thing I did, right? We made a commitment to each other. So in this step three, I found that from then on, I never really had a problem with Abby doing that anymore. If Abby came to me and we spoke, right? There was this understanding of the goal. The goal was creating these strings that help us be honest and truthful with one another.

what I'm asking the parents to do or telling them to do is go back and with your kid, make sure we understand what do we want these interactions to look like. Whether they're more respectful, whether they're more cooperative, whether they're us working together and not trying to manipulate each other or more honest, whatever that thing is, I wanna make sure I invite them in to understanding that's the relationship we want and creating that relationship with them.

and it wasn't just how she can change. There really was this coming together and I think there's a very valuable piece to that. If we're always coming to our kid, this is how you're going to change from now on. And invite them and if you don't know, you just think you did everything perfect, ask them, is there something I could do different in these moments? Because maybe you're really not seeing it. But you wanna look for, at the end of the day, it's like how do we both wanna show up?

in this relationship. What kind of relationship do we want to have long term? Yeah, and who are we as a family? You know, and so this is how we're going to show up for each other. This is how we're going to be. And we're not always going to do that perfectly. But this is this is what we're aiming for. This is the direction we're going. And I'd add in that step. Once you've done that, practice it, right? Like it wasn't that hard to just say to Abby,

Hey, let's just practice it. I'll act like I'm mowing the lawn. You come up and ask me, right? And we can do it. Like you can just really make it fun. And every time. you're silly with it, that's really powerful. Cause you know, they remember things that have a lot of emotion and you want that to be a positive emotion, not a negative emotion. But yeah. And especially with little kids, they'll act it out with stuffed animals, with their toys, grab some trucks, grab whatever you can. But even older kids, mean, at first there may be some pushback.

but be silly and just go through it. Help it wire into their brain. This is what we're gonna do. And once again, the practice that you're doing is all about pointing towards the outcome you both want to have. Mutually beneficial. And so if there's anything that you're getting out of this, and then we gave you those three steps and they basically were make an intentional effort to focus on the behavior you want rather than the behavior you don't. Also be very

purposeful about how you talk about it with your spouse or with others about how you describe that kid because even when that kid's not there, it's shaping and forming your brain to make a story about your kid and that guarantee you're gonna hear yourself getting upset about the kid doing things that you have said over and over again, that's what the kid does, right? So then why get upset about it? That's what the kid does, you know? Well, and honestly, challenge yourself to look for the exception because time and time again,

when you think this, then you'll see that all the time. It becomes this big mountain and you're missing all the exceptions to it. And so be intentional about, I'm gonna look for every exception to this thing. If my daughter was forgetting things, I'm gonna think, it is my job to notice every time she remembers stuff. And before you know it, you realize, wow, she remembers things way more than she remembers. You bring up though a very good point. I'm even thinking even in our marriage.

you know, there's things that we individually pride ourselves on, right? So I see myself as a very decisive person. I make quick decisions, not always the best ones, but quick, right? And then you take a long time to make decisions, right? And that's actually a strength in our marriage. But there's times where I'm stressed or like our connection isn't as good. And I start to just judge you as a very indecisive person, you know? And so with that thing you just said, like,

my gosh, like if I watch you all day, you're making decisions all the time. Like it's crazy, you know? Like you're not an indecisive person. You're just in those moments that I'm she's, I'm highlighting those in my brain to see this as like a problem you have, like be more decisive, you know? It's like, cause you are all day long making decisions that you're not spending hours making, you know? So I just point that out that I'd ask for listeners, just notice that. What are some of those negative behaviors even in your marriage or that you highlight and you tend to see really quickly?

look for the exceptions, right? Honestly, you could even start with yourself too. I don't ever block you know, whatever it is, look for the times you're doing the other. It's there it exists and we get so focused on the negative and we miss so much. then the last part was the whole idea of practicing it.

creating a new outcome you want to have, right? And so that way then you are training your brain and training your kid's brain to be more likely to look for that and work towards it rather than resisting the other, you know? So definitely be intentional. I hope if you listen this, maybe talk to your spouse today about some of these ways in which we're describing the kid's behaviors in such a negative way. And how could we shift it? Well, what is the behavior really wanting to grow? And how could we focus on that? Because

I think probably most listeners here, you're not calling your kids dumb or stupid. mean, these seems to be like really common things in our culture that you just don't say those things, but why not throw in their liar manipulative and these other kind of accusatory ways of describing behavior? I mean, we think we're just being descriptive, but really we're just making accusations. We're making it harder on ourselves. Yeah, and harder on them to be receptive and open. Yeah, if you want change to happen, continuing down that road won't get you where you wanna go.

How about you switch roads? Yeah. So I really hope this was helpful to you. Hope it changes some of your family dynamics as we're going into the holiday season and all that stuff. And you can really be intentional about implementing these things because I really think it will change a lot of the negative interactions or conflicts. It would just help you be more able to guide the kid instead of resisting the kid, which is just so tiring. we really appreciate you spending time listening. Please share this episode. Tell friends about it because this can really help change.

the atmosphere in a home tremendously. Thanks for listening.

You know, words are powerful. The way we talk about our kids, the way we talk about ourselves, they can really transform and change a relationship for the positive or the negative. And so many times, myself included, we can get into talking about our kids in ways that are just not helpful, that they're actually really hurtful. But...

how do we switch that? How do we switch those dynamics and why? mean, like, we really don't want our kids, right, talking about us like this when they're older and describing us. And when they're looking back and thinking, my dad and mom were this, I mean, we really don't want to create that kind of culture in our family, do we? Like, we're always focused on the negative and really pointing it out in such, you know, loud ways, dramatic ways. And so today, and I really want to tackle that topic of words and how we can use those words.

to really grow things that we want to grow in our family instead of using the words to just grow stuff that is just toxic, you know? So if you could take a moment before you dive into it, know, rate and review this podcast, leave a comment. We'd love for you to give us your feedback about how you're being affected. Email us at Kyle at art of raising humans. If you have other topics you want us to jump into, but today get ready just to be challenged about the power of words.