Episode 141

Hello and welcome to 2025 and boy, do we have a special treat for you. I mean, doesn't it bother you as a dad and mom when your kids are defiance, when they're not listening, when they doesn't seem like they're doing what you're asking or doing exactly opposite of what you asked? You know, you know if you've been there, that is difficult for you not to yell, for you not to want to take control with fear and intimidation.

 

punishment, all those kind of things. And we wanted to bring you a special guest who he is so good at helping parents and specifically dads to shift these dynamics. Like he's so creative in ways to change these moments into positive moments in your family. He is Kirk Martin and he is the host of the podcast Celebrate Calm Podcast. He has spoken all throughout the United States.

 

He's been doing this for 20 years. He actually does a lot of this even with his son, who you'll hear in his story, started him on this journey because he wasn't liking his son all that much. He was really not enjoying being with him and that realization changed everything. He has reached over a million people in that span, helped change so many families. So without further ado, I would love for you to take a moment to not only hear

 

the wisdom he's got to share, but man, he's gonna give you real specific creative ways to change these moments and how to see them differently. So let's dive into that podcast now. But before we do, take a moment and please review this podcast. Leave five stars, that's awesome, we love that. Leave a comment, we love to hear how these podcasts are helping you as a parent and helping your family and it means the world to us because it helps more families to be able to see.

 

and have access to this podcast. So let's dive right in and enjoy what Kirk Martin has to share.

 

     

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hi there, I'm Sarah. And Sarah, I am so excited today. I know, it's great. About introducing our audience to somebody who has been very influential in my life personally, but also our family. Yes, very grateful.

 

And before I introduce you this guy, this was about 12 years ago, I was still stuck in this old mentality of, I'm gonna need to control my kids. My asset as a father is how loud and scary I can be. Not because I like to, but because I have to, right? Like had this mentality and I was hearing about all this other.

 

kind of parenting Sarah, you were kind of like telling me about this, like how we don't need to yell at our kids. And I was like, my gosh, that sounds like something. Yeah. Women are trying to make me into like this, like soft wussy guy. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. But the problem was Sarah, I just had no imagination for it. You know, I had never seen a dad who

 

didn't use that as a tool, you know? And then I got introduced to who we're gonna introduce you today. His name is Kirk Martin, and he has a whole business called Celebrate Calm. And I remember the day that a parent came in and said, Kyle, you should listen to these CDs. I went to the speaking thing. He spoke at my church or, you know, some event I went to and I think you're gonna love it.

 

And I remember kind of being like, okay, I'll give it a try. But as I began to listen to it, I began to hear Kirk's heart and I began to all of have my mind, like my imagination was like, this could actually be something guys do. Yeah. You know? so without- Dads can do this? Yeah. So without further ado, I want to say welcome Kirk Martin.

 

Kyle, Sarah, this is awesome. I didn't even know that was your story. I didn't know that you were like a rigid jerk like I was, who didn't listen to his wife, who listened to other people, and then our wives are like, yeah, kind of been telling you that for 10 years.

 

     

Yes.

 

     

yeah, that's probably the story of my life in many areas. Not just not just parenting Kirk, but probably about eating healthier. He's got a very good so she's like, that's right. Well, and so we are so excited to have our audience meet you. Because one of the things that was so and I tell this all the time to clients Kirk when I'm when I'm talking specifically to dads, I'll be like, you know what, there's this guy.

 

It's called being a man, It's called being a man. This is just what we do.

 

     

And he has this fantastic story about how he used to be just like you and me, man. He used to be just like you and me, but then a moment changed him and transformed him. And so I'd love for you to kind of just share with our audience. How did you get here? I mean, you've been doing this now for 20 years, 20 plus years, right? And talk at all around the country to churches, to schools. And so kind of where did this all start?

 

Yeah, yeah.

 

So it started with my dad. I was, right, career military dad, my wear the highway fear and intimidation approach. And so, you know, as you just grow up and then you have kids and then you're like, uh-oh, what are we gonna do with this kid? And our son Casey is very strong-willed. We always say came out of the womb with boxing gloves on. And so I was like, well, he's not gonna boss me around. I'll show him. You just kind of do what your dad or your parents did. So.

 

That clearly doesn't work with a strong willed child because they're kind of fight or flight or freeze kids. And so they'll come back twice as hard because dads are always like, yeah, I'll double down. I'm like, your strong willed child is going to like quadruple down. I always bet like I will bet a thousand dollars that your five year old can own you. And so I, you know, it was just that old school mentality of my job is to control my child's behavior. And so

 

     

Yes.

 

Yes.

 

I just, started wrestling with these things because I loved my son. I was connected with him, but it was like every situation I would escalate. It was never good enough. It's like it would start nice. We would be playing together and at the end I would be yelling at him and just, and there's, this will sound awful, but I didn't like him in many ways when he was little. And what I realized later was I didn't like him because he

 

He caused me to have to change, right? Like when I work, like work is pretty easy for guys. Like even if we have hard jobs, like I can work 24 hours a day. Now, handling things emotionally, like my wife is upset, I have no idea. Now you're asking too much of me. Or a kid isn't listening to me. It's like he drew something out of me.

 

And I think I went through those different stages of denial. There's nothing wrong with him. He doesn't have ADHD. He's just a boy. He'll grow out of it. Well, he didn't grow out of it. And then there's that anger and resentment of, why won't you just listen to me? I have life wisdom. If you would listen to me, and you can even see it in my face now, that comes naturally to me. This tone of voice, hey.

 

You know what, I told you to do something, you need to get and do it right now. Because I wanted the best for my son, but I just drew on what I learned from my dad. And so there were a few moments, there were, I used to go for these long walks. And you know when you're like searching, like, could just change this kid. What do have to put up with this? And yes, and there were.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

I've prayed those prayers.

 

And there were three questions that I kept kind of mauling over and coming to me. And the first one was, what if your son is made like this on purpose? Like, what if this is just how he's made? What if there's nothing wrong with him? Because that's a big thing that we teach is, don't try to just fix your kids, right? Because we get into that mode of like, well, I just need to fix their behavior. And then the second question was,

 

What if you were frustrating my purposes for your child by trying to change him? What if he's made like this? And these are the very qualities that are necessary. And the interesting thing, Colin, Sarah, is our son is 31 now and he works with us, but he also has a job outside of our business. I watch all of these qualities that used to irritate me when he was a kid.

 

     

Hmm. Yeah.

 

are the very qualities now that make other adults respect him and get him promoted, right? That strong will, that take charge, he's a leader, he's not afraid to speak up. We don't like that in kids because you know what the funny part with strong will kids is they speak up and usually they're right. And that irritate, right? It's like, I'm the adult, you need to listen to me. And they have no fear.

 

     

Wow.

 

     

Yes.

 

And so Casey can walk into a situation. always, he's kind of in an industry where there's a lot of conflict that happens in customer service. And I always joke that Casey is so good at handling conflict because he created so much when he was a kid, right? Like, and he did, and it was my own issues. So then the third question was, what if instead of trying to change your son, you're the one who needs to change?

 

     

you

 

And I, a good guy, blocked that out for months and months. was like, that can't be it. It's not me. And then when I finally kind of surrendered to that and started changing my own interactions and controlled my own emotions and my tone of voice, my body posture, I noticed his responses to me changed. And so I got a hold of that thing of like, hey, there's only one person in life that you can control and that's yourself.

 

Right? And we always joke like how many of you tell your kids, you need to calm down and get control of yourself. And your kids are looking at you like, look, I'm five, but you're like 35. Like apparently you can't even, apparently you haven't mastered that skill yourself, dad. And so, and my son did say that to me one time. He's like, you're yelling at me to calm down dad. And I'm like, but I'm the father. I'm allowed to do that. And he's like, so my son was actually teaching me when he was little.

 

     

Yes.

 

     

Yes.

 

     

you

 

 

Right? Like, what are you doing? And so, so when I began to change, I noticed that and it actually changed his behavior so much more quickly just by changing my response to it. It actually, I hate that word empowered. It gave me power, right? Because I felt helpless for many years. Like, what are we supposed to do with this kid? And then I found like, when I changed my tone of voice, it changes how he responds. I can.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

Yep.

 

go into a situation and I don't have to escalate it anymore? And I know I'm talking a lot, can I share one thing? So here's what I realized, there was this moment where he was yelling at my, Casey was yelling at my wife and I would come in and start like, how many times have I told you, you don't talk to your mother like that? You know, one more word from you. And that's when he said once, he goes, word, and then I like lost it. And so.

 

     

Yeah.

 

Sure, do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

I'm sending him up to his room, he slams the door because he knew that was my trigger. You don't have to respect me, but you're gonna respect my door. I worked hard to make money, right? All those things we do. And I come walking down the stairs and I looked at my wife and I was like, did you hear what your son just said to me? Because it was her son when he was awful and my son when he was good. Yes, right, Kyle, we'll stick together on that. And so.

 

     

Yes, of course. Yes, yeah. Yes, that's right.

 

So what I ultimately realized was, well, two things. One, I was putting my wife in this awful position where she had to manage the emotions of our son so that he wouldn't get upset so that I wouldn't get upset. So now my wife is walking on eggshells. Now I've got to manage Casey and make sure he doesn't get upset because if he gets upset, then the big kid in the home, when he comes home from work, is going to get upset.

 

And that's I mean, you guys know that's like millions of women, that's their daily life monitoring the emotional temperature of the home. And then you get into adrenal fatigue and it's just not good. And the other thing I realized was,

 

     

Sarahas never felt this way. Sarahas never felt this way. I just want all the listeners to know Sarahas never felt this way. Yes. Yes.

 

When I was yelling at my son on those stairs right before that and saying like, you need to calm down, you can't talk to your father like that, what I realized was I needed my son to behave precisely because I couldn't behave. I was basically saying, you need to behave because if you don't behave and do exactly what I tell you to do, I'm not sure I can behave. You do not want to see me angry. And when that hit me and I realized,

 

     

Yeah. Yes. Yes.

 

I'm doing that to a five, a six year old kid is now responsible for my emotions. That crushed me. And I was like, I can't keep doing that anymore. I can't keep doing to my son what my dad did to me and my brothers. And that was kind of the turning point.

 

     

Yeah.

 

Yeah, you know, that makes me think Kirk of a story that this sounds so silly now when I look back, but I remember I like soccer. I grew up playing soccer, but one thing I did not like about soccer was watching my dad coach me on the sideline because my dad was typically frustrated or disappointed in however I was playing. And so I had a lot of memories growing up of just, I'm sure my dad was excited at times and happy, but it always seemed like he was pissed off at me at something I was doing. So then my daughter, my oldest is playing soccer and I'm like, this is fantastic. She's playing soccer.

 

in

 

     

too and she was just distractible like she just would be she'd be playing and if she had the ball was fun but otherwise she would be like listening to what was happening on the sideline or watching a plane overhead and I would get so frustrated and the thought that came in my head Kirk was why is she making me become my dad if she would just play better I wouldn't need to be like him

 

And it was just like, what a weird thought to have. Like she doesn't even know what my dad was like. She has no intention in doing that, but I was putting on her. So then I realized that's why I'm yelling at her and saying, Abby focus, look, I'm doing all that saying, please do it differently because otherwise I'll become this person I told myself I wouldn't be.

 

Wow.

 

     

And I was putting it on and that was like, she was only like five or six, like you're saying. And to put that weight on her to say it's her job to keep me from becoming this thing I was afraid to become was just ridiculous.

 

Yeah, you know what, I wouldn't even say, so I'd say that's not ridiculous. I'd say that's very normal, right? That's the natural, that's what happens. And that's partly, I think, why we have kids is that they, we think we're raising kids, but I think they're kind of growing us up, especially when you have Strongwill kid or like you said, your daughter is kind of like, that was Casey, he was goalie, because I was a goalie. And he's turning around, like watching other people play. I'm like,

 

     

Yeah.

 

keep your eyes focused on, right? I'm like, it just didn't work. And you know, there's something interesting. And maybe, I don't know if this is just with Strong Will Kids, because that's who we work with a lot. They tend, they will over time choose activities that are, Casey chose activities that were things that I wasn't good at. Like he skis, he played ice hockey, he wanted to fly airplanes. I have a fear of flying. It's like,

 

     

I'm

 

Couldn't be more of a jerk, stop doing that, Casey. But they choose that because I think they inherently know there is no way I can measure up to your expectations in that area. And then they choose that. But in the end, the awesome thing about my son is that it just caused me to grow up and become a different human. I I love the name of your art of raising humans. It's the art of becoming a different human.

 

     

Yeah.

 

Yes, yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah. So, all right. So I want to ask, cause you know, we, have lots of these conversations about us and, so how did that go with your wife? How, how was this like, you have this moment and you think, okay, I'm to do something different, but I think we all know that you don't just wake up the next day and it's all different. know?

 

It was for me, because I'm just that good. Well, it's a... Well, no, it's... Look, there's humility. It was humiliating because I knew my wife and son were looking at me and watching me wrestle with this and change. And I didn't want to do it my wife's way. Now, that may be different than other people.

 

I wanted to come to it on my own and I wanted to wrestle with my own stuff. So we had conflict in that area because she was like, well, I can show you how to do it. Yeah, I know. I know you've been trying and I haven't listened to that. Right. So let me let me wrestle with this because I don't know if this makes a difference, but I'm also a strong willed person and I don't want to do it the way everybody else does it.

 

     

Yep. Yep.

 

I wanted to figure out what are those demons inside? What is it the embarrassment? What was it that was holding me back? And so it was actually really interesting because she and I both learned how to change together. And then we each brought different things to the table. But it is a huge thing for

 

I'm not saying this the right way, because it's partly, I spend a lot of time reassuring moms like, you're not crazy, you're doing it right, keep being firm with us. And I don't know if you agree with this and it's okay if you don't, but I advise women, I'm like, talk to your husband like men talk to men. Because my son is a grown man now, when he's being kind of a jerk, we have a little phrase, I was like, hey, don't be a, and then there's a little word that starts with a D, and men,

 

     

Yeah,

 

     

you

 

Get that very quickly because that's how we talk to each other. But that thing of like, honey, I really think you want to take a different approach. I'm like, I'm out. But if you talk to me like a man and say, hey, what you've been doing for the past 10 years, if you had that same track record at work, you would have been fired. Those are the things my wife started saying to me in a very even matter of fact way. Now it was a big risk for her.

 

     

Yeah. Wow.

 

     

Yeah.

 

because that was not her natural tone and she started saying, hey, you know what, that's not working. And she would say at times like, hey, I know you don't mean to do this. I know you're not aware that you're escalating like that. But when you walk into a room and do it like this, here's what's happening with Casey. So she started giving me insight into what our son was thinking. And then I would go away and process that and say, okay, what do I need to do differently?

 

in that situation. I don't think I answered your question well, so I apologize.

 

     

No, that was great. was great, Kirk. And actually, like, it does describe a lot of what Saradid in those moments. Yeah, where Sarawas more just like, you could see the fire kind of getting her and the passion and just be like, hey, listen, I'm just gonna be straight with you. And like, I love that. And I tell her, like, I really appreciated her doing that with me.

 

Okay.

 

Kirk  

Okay, good. I think that's really important. It's hard for women to hear at times, but I'll say talk to men like men talk to men, short and sweet. Hey, that's not working. But not a lot of like, not constant criticism, but sometimes even like, hey, one thing I like to do with wives who are working with their husbands is let's pick two common situations. When you come home from work and there are Legos all over the floor.

 

     

Yeah, yeah.

 

Here's what we typically do, because we work with lot of engineers, project managers, and they're all like not very good with emotions and human relationships, which is a struggle. it's like you flowchart. Like when I come in, typically what you do, honey, is you come in and you start yelling. That creates a defensive response. It escalates. So can we practice this week for the next three nights? You come in and instead you compliment our child.

 

     

Yes.

 

You come in and say something and get on the floor with the Legos and let's see how that goes. And so when I would start doing those things, I was like, this works better. When I sit on the floor with my young son or I'm not big into eye contact with kids when they're really upset because I think there's a lot of shame going on. So when our son was older, it was, Hey, case I'm kind of hungry. You want to go grab a couple of tacos.

 

     

Yes. Yep.

 

     

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

 

And he was always hungry. So that was a great, like that's a very practical thing. Do you have to come in and have like, like, I couldn't have like deep talks with my son at first, right? Like I'm not a therapist. I didn't know how to, like you guys are professionals. So you studied this, but I'm just like a dad. So I was like, hey, case you want to get a couple of tacos? And then we wouldn't even talk, but we were in the car together.

 

     

Yes. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah. Yeah.

 

 

and we were eating tacos and it was building that relationship and that trust in very practical ways and I could still be a guy and I didn't have to, no offense, but I didn't have to talk like a female therapist to my son and then we just started having great conversations like that, so.

 

     

Yeah, yep, yep.

 

So good. Yeah. And that's what I've always loved Kirk. One of the biggest things that I got from the stuff I listened to when I first was introduced to you was just the creativity. Like you were so creative in ways to, you the focus was to be calmer and not reactive.

 

and to be able to get yourself into this space to where you could actually work on the conflict and resolve it without being explosive. And so I remember even just simple ones, how you would joke about how it's hard to be angry in a recliner. So like how you would purposely have conversations sitting in a recliner. Yeah, then I was just like, that's brilliant. Cause that's like physiologically you're relaxing yourself and telling you if it was an emergency, you wouldn't be reclining in a lazy boy. You'd be up like standing and like, and yet these physical things. So

 

I would sit down, yes.

 

     

I would love for you to speak. How did you come to that? Because I really thought that was interesting that you were even saying things like, instead of yelling at your kid on the sideline, you know, maybe you get down, you do some pushups for a second and you like retrain you. There was like all these kind of fun, like, and so I use that a lot with, with dads to just like, is there another way you could have handled this? they'll be like, no, that was the only way I'm like,

 

Well, what if you got on the ground, started doing sit-ups? What if you just ran around the house a few times outside and looked like an idiot? I bet that would change it. And they'd be like, well, I didn't think of doing that. I know, because you're not expanding your imagination. So how did you come to that? what are some common things you encourage dads to do when they are escalating to help them get calm?

 

So I'd say body posture huge, because we all walk in like this, because that's what we learned, right? And it's intimidating. And so the sitting down thing, you're right. It's almost impossible to yell at someone when you're sitting. It just feels stupid, right? Like if I'm standing, I want to point and I want to be like, I want to yell at you right now, Kyle. You can even see it like in this thing. But when I'm sitting down, it changes my tone of voice. here's a good one for guys.

 

     

Yeah. Yeah.

 

     

Yeah.

 

You

 

 

talk to your kids like you talk to your colleagues at work. Now this doesn't mean becoming friends with your kids, because I know Kyle, we get those comments, you're just friends with your kids and that's why your kids are soft. No. But at the office, when things are going wrong at the office, you don't walk around throwing your arms up in the air, you know what, sales are down, you're probably going to be fired. Right? Like mean if you do, you're a horrible boss. But what you do is you say, hey we've got an issue here, sales are down.

 

     

Mmm. Yeah, yeah. I know, we do,

 

 

or hey, colleague or employee, that presentation, that project you worked on, you're not up to expectations. I've seen you do good job before, so why don't you come in my office and we'll brainstorm different ways to handle it. So that's what I do with, one of our famous ones with Casey was when he was coming at me with tone. And it used to be like, you're not gonna talk to me like that, young man. well, I get this all the time.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

Yes, shut it down man, yeah. Yeah, exactly.

 

Well, I'll shut that down. I'll be like, okay, you shut it down and now you're going to raise a son who grows up and has a very unsatisfied wife because you can't connect emotionally. And you just shut down emotions. And then in kids, they will either internalize that, right? You guys know this. Boys especially will internalize that anger and they're gonna be like, just wait till I'm a teenager and then I will unleash this.

 

     

Yeah. Yes.

 

Yes.

 

     

Yeah. Yep.

 

And so in that moment, one time I stepped back and I just said, hey, case, I've heard this tone before. And usually when I hear that tone, tells me you're anxious, you're frustrated or you're hungry. And so I was identifying, Hey, I know what's going on. Something's going on right here. So two options. You can continue to talk to me like that if you want. It's just, it just never ends well for you. There's just no energy in that, right? It doesn't have to be like, you keep talking to your father like that.

 

     

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

With strong will kids, they wanna do it even more because that brain stimulation and that intensity that they're getting is connection to a lot of kids. Because my dad doesn't talk to me except when I give him attitude, then the phone's down and he's up in my face. Well, to a child, that intensity, especially kids who have been adopted or in foster care and trauma, intensity equals connection because at least you care enough about me right now to yell at me.

 

     

Yep.

 

     

Yeah, yeah, Yeah, totally.

 

     

Yes, that's good. Yeah.

 

and not ignore me like my dad did. so, so I identify here are three things going on, here's an option, but if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa, I'll meet you out on the deck. And why like that, why like that as a dad is I didn't have all the words, right? I didn't have like, well, how am I supposed, I was just like, something's going on. This doesn't end well for us. So if you want to get some chips, I'll meet you out on the deck. And when I'm sitting and eating,

 

     

Yes.

 

It's hard to yell at people. And when you're eating chips and salsa, everybody's happy eating chips and salsa. You throw in a margarita, everybody's always happy, right? But there's truth to that. That is a different dynamic than mom standing with hands on her hips talking to her daughter. But I guarantee you, if you were to sit at the table and just start coloring or drawing, it's, one, your kids look at you like, what are you doing?

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

you

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

I know, yeah, yeah.

 

And I'll be like, well, I just thought I'd draw because usually I'd be yelling at you right now. And I just thought I'd draw. And I don't even say, why don't you sit down? I just push a paper over. There's an invitation to it. And that is really important with strong willed kids. And when kids are emotional, you know, we need to have a talk about your attitude right now. Like, okay, I can't wait. Why don't you tell me all the reasons you don't like me and all the privileges I've just lost. Instead it's, hey, when you're ready.

 

     

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

 

I'm gonna be in the car, I'm hungry, let's go grab a snack. Easy one for dads to do. We're just together. Hey, I'm gonna go grab the football. When you're ready, if you wanna come out, we'll play catch. And now we're playing catch. It's physical movement. For me, Kyle, that was a big deal because I was good at playing with my son. And so I began eating with him, playing catch with him, shooting hoops.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

Yeah. Yep.

 

     

Yeah.

 

And in the course of that, the tension came down. I was inviting him to be with me. So instead of go to your room, go think about your attitude. Okay, that's helpful, right? Like we do that in our schools. Like here's a think sheet, fill that out. Think of all the reasons you're embarrassed and ashamed for doing what you do. And so I was inviting him to be with me. And one of our phrases that I love is,

 

     

Yeah. Yep.

 

     

Thanks.

What I was demonstrating is when your world is out of control mine's not I've got this and that goes back to kind of like talk to them like Colleagues I give the example of like an ER doctor Right when it went and when someone comes into the emergency room and they're bleeding the ER doctor isn't like Yeah, good job staying out late not wearing your seatbelt. Good job getting shot. Now, you're gonna probably gonna bleed to death That's what we say to our kids all the time right in a good ER doctor

 

     

Yep.

 

     

It is. It is.

 

She says, okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take the vitals. I'm gonna see where we are. And then I'm going to calmly lead and problem solve. And at work, I problem solve with people. Guys are good at this at work. Guys are good at problem solving. And so then I think what it does for us as guys is, well, so I don't have to let them get away with things? No, I'm not letting them get away. I'm problem solving. And that's what we're good at.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

Yeah, yeah, yeah. well, when even Kirk, what I heard you say and all that too is the intent is different. Like one, the intent is to oppose you, to change you, to resist you, to stop you. Whereas the other one was the intent is to understand, connect, guide.

 

Right. And so I think that's what also changes all that energy is it's a shift of intent. And like you said, in the work environment, if you're going to be in a successful boss, if your intent is to stop, intimidate, resist, like your employees are not going to get better and they're just going to leave. You know, so if you want to retain employees, you want to help them get better, you specifically at work in those environments. And I love how you use that example. And I know you coming from that kind of

 

you know, that kind of situation like a lot of dads are is it's easier there to see it because you've seen that modeled. You've seen some bosses do that. And I think they'll go, why can't I do it at home? Well, because you just haven't seen it. You've never seen anybody do that, right? Yeah. Yes, because the only way my brain knows this situation is intimidation is, yeah, demanding and reacting. Yeah. But it's not

 

 

It's like we walk through the door of our home and something changes.

 

And I react, I think here's one quick one for guys who like football. Who's the quarterback you want, right? Do you want the quarterback coming in at the end of the game? You know what, we're down by two touchdowns. You don't know what route to run. You keep fumbling the ball. Let's go score. Nobody's following that guy. I mean, you want Patrick Mahomes. Guys were down by two touchdowns in the Superbowl. We've got it. And they follow and guys naturally want to lead their kids. And so when you're reacting to your kids, your kids are actually leading you.

 

     

Yeah, do it. Yep.

 

     

you

 

     

Yeah.

 

In this case, and I'll plant one more seed for guys, and this is for moms, all of this is for moms too. Kids, I know this will make it sound soft, they're just doing the kid thing for the first time, right? Like a four year old every day wakes up and everything's new. It's not like they've done four before, and guys are always like, when's he gonna learn self discipline? I'm like, what's the job description for a toddler? It's to make messes, be curious, and get into things and ruin your agenda, right?

 

     

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

     

Mm-hmm.

 

a teenager, they're doing this for the first time. don't, all of a sudden I have testosterone or all kinds of hormones flooding through my body. And I always, when I work with guys, I was like, you were a dopey 14 year old also. You didn't have your stuff together. If we had access, easy access to all the things boys and kids have now, we would have ruined our lives, right? so.

 

     

Yes. Yep.

 

     

Yeah. Yes.

 

it helps take some of the pressure off to say, I'm going to come along and I'm just gonna guide this kid. And as it's turned out with Casey, you know, he's a grown man now. He's like, dad, I don't remember any of your lectures. All I remember is we ate a lot of tacos together and we had the best and chips and salsa. And he said, I don't remember your lectures.

 

     

you

 

All I really remember is I saw you change because I knew your dad and his grandpa, my dad, was not that awesome with him. And he said, I knew what you came from. And so I'd encourage moms and dads, well, but aren't our kids going to see us as, yeah, they're going to see you change like right in front of them. And they're going to be like, my dad went from being hyper reactive to being in control of himself.

 

Like that's the best modeling you could do. That's your lecture right there is how you live it out.

 

     

That's good. That's right. No, I love that, man. And as a kid, it is so encouraging to see that. know, to go, mom and dad don't think they're perfect and don't believe they need to be. They actually can grow into you. I know, Kirk, I'm sure you've had this happen. I think some of my best memories with our kids, unfortunately, it's not I'm proud of messing up. I'm not proud of losing it and getting mad at my kids. But actually, those conversations afterwards.

 

those have been the transformational moments for me as a dad because I never really had those conversations. You know, those conversations didn't happen in my home. If there was a blow up or my parents did something that I'm like, why did you do that? We didn't get to talk about it afterwards. You you just sat and be like, okay, I guess I just need to accept that. guess I just need to be okay with that. Yeah. And so getting to talk in the car on the drive back or, just even in their rooms at night about what happened and the advice they'll have for me of like, damn, why didn't you just do this?

 

That would never got talked. Yeah, never got talked about.

 

     

and it's always so good. And that actually, I hope for all the parents that are hearing this, when you do it young, like Kirk's talking about at that four-year-old age, then the teenage years are awesome. Then the teenage years are so sweet because then by then, you've practiced how to be open and receptive to each other. The intent is to communicate and understand one another. It isn't to control and change and resist. And so when they're actually bigger people, when they really could resist you and it could be problematic,

 

Our teenagers were fantastic.

 

     

you've already done a different dance for 10 years up to that point. And that way now we're both for each other. We both believe we're on the same team.

 

And even if you're coming to this late and your kids are 10 or 12 or 15, like don't say, it's too late. Like it's, cause this can change very quickly because it's a human relationship and your humility and seeing that of like, they're really my dad or my mom is really trying to change. Those things can still change pretty quickly. There'll be some leftover stuff, but then you're just, you're working on it together. And I think one of the reasons like we work a lot with strong will kids.

 

     

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes, it's good.

 

That bond between a parent and a really challenging child can oftentimes be very, very intense and close because Casey and I fought each other. I mean, we still trigger each other on purpose, right? Because it's fun to see who, you know, it's funny when we used to travel a lot and speak, we'd go sometimes we'd do two week trips. So we were in hotels, it was busy. And so Casey would try to trigger me.

 

     

Yeah, of course.

 

 

So right before I'd go in to speak, and I would get triggered and I'd yell at him like in the day and he'd go, hey dad, are you gonna share with the audience tonight what you said to me today? I'd be like, you're such a jerk. And so I would. I would open up and say, here's what happened this afternoon in the car. know, Casey was being horrible as usual and procrastinating and then I would own it and it led to so many great discussions.

 

     

Yeah.

 

     

You

 

You become a different person, gets you close. Anyway, it's a cool process. I do want parents to know, you're going to wrestle and think, when you did chips and salsa with your son, weren't you letting him get away with that? Am I being too soft? You're gonna wrestle with those things. And so that's normal. what I want, over time you will see, they don't get away with anything. You actually.

 

     

So awesome.

 

     

Yeah, yeah, Yeah, Yeah, yeah.

 

get to the deeper issues and the anxiety. A lot of your kids struggle with anxiety. Anxiety will almost always come out as defiance. I'm not going. Ty Quindo's stupid, you're stupid. I would have never talked to my dad like that. Why no? And that's why you never got any of your issues resolved. But now that I was able to lead my son to a calm place and we found that it was anxiety that was causing that.

 

     

Yes, yes, yep. Yes, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

 

I now have given him tools for anxiety that he will now have for the rest of his life. It's a really cool process.

 

     

Yeah, I love that Kirk. so hey, Kirk, want everybody, so anybody listening to this, if you want to know more about what Kirk's doing, first of all, he's killing it on Instagram. He is an old man influencer right now. So go find the old man.

 

by accident by accident

 

     

podcasting. Yeah, he's podcasting. He's got the celebrate calm podcast is where you can find him. He's killing it there. Releasing weekly episodes give me all but where else can they find you? Where else can they they get to know more about Kirk Martin?

 

 

I would just look up the Calm Parenting podcast, because we love doing the podcast. It's 20, 25 minutes, usually very, a single focus. Here's an action step, scripts to use. We're at celebratecalm.com. Instagram, because I am an old man influencer now, so by accident.

 

     

Well, and for all the listeners, the thing I enjoy about Kirk is there are ways, since Kirk is not a licensed counselor,

 

he'll say things in a much more blunt way. Maybe sometimes Saraand I feel like we can't maybe because we're like, maybe we should phrase it this way. But I like the freedom Kirk has to just be like, here's how it is. And he just says it. So lots of times for anyone's dads really enjoy that. So I routinely tell dads go check that out because lots of times it does really encourage them to feel they're not alone. These feelings are real. There's a guy who's actually been there, done that. And I know I've heard

 

I'll talk about this, but then this guy Kirk's also doing it. It's it's expanding their imagination of what it looks like to be a dad in this modern world. That it's not to diss this old school thing our parents did, but it's like saying like, let's get a cell phone instead of staying on the rotary. Like let's move forward.

 

and like actually grow and actually it's what our parents wanted. Like, you know, my parents want us to do it better. They're not sitting back saying, it just like me. They're saying, good for you. You guys got some coaching from experts. You guys read some books, you learn things. And I know, man, when you spend time with Kirk, listening to him, it's just gonna give you so many more creative techniques and tools.

 

to take these moments that seem like it's just the end of the world where you're reacting and you'll have so many more options. So definitely check Kirk out and learn those tools from him, okay? So Kirk, I wanna say thank you for being on here. We could have done another hour or something like just chatting about this. And I love hearing your authenticity and your vulnerability. So thank you for taking the time.

 

 

Guys, you're doing awesome work. Thank you for doing it. It's really powerful to see you doing it together. And we all know that Sara's just like my wife is the brains behind it all. well, yes.

 

     

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She she's the secret sauce. Right. Yeah. No, we routinely would have people email us or send friends. But hey, Kyle, I like what you're saying. But I really just listen for what's going on. I feel like.

 

That's why I do the podcast alone so I don't have to hear that.

 

     

That's Well good. Well we're so thankful for having you on and we may have you on again if Kirk's open to it. So just put that in there. We may want you to come on again and give even more of great wisdom. Okay?

 

Absolutely. Yeah, I love that. Hey, I appreciate you guys.

 

     

Yeah, have a wonderful day.