Episode 139

All right, the Christmas and holiday season is upon us. Are you approaching these next few weeks with joy, with excitement, with magic in your mind about how great it's gonna be for you and your family? Or, and, are you also approaching with stress and frustration and fear that it's gonna not be so great, you know? We know, and I, after working with so many parents over the past 20 years, we know that this time can be one that can be really awesome

exciting and fun for the whole family, but it can also lead to a lot of problems. It can lead to a lot of fighting in families, a lot of disappointment in the kids and the parents. So we wanted to drop this episode this week to give you five clear steps, easy steps. You follow these steps to empower you to be able to create the holiday season that you are wanting to have. And we hope that you'll jump into it, take some notes, put it into effect.

and then be able to like join with your spouse, join with your partner, join with your kids to be able to make this Christmas season all you hope it will be.

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. And I'm Sara. And it's Christmas week, right? Yes. Okay, so a very exciting time. I know a lot of people celebrating holidays all across the world and in America specifically too where we're at. And this is a time when kids are home. We want to make this time magical, right? Yeah, we do.

I know there's a, we get excited about this. Our kids get very excited about it. have a lot of good memories as a kid during Christmas. You do as well. And I think what we wanted to do, Sara, as we were chatting about this, we wanted to really make this a, an intentional podcast to help people have a fantastic holiday time with their families. Yeah. Cause I think we all really want it to be wonderful and we're disappointed and saddened when it's not.

And so, you know, we were talking about how, what we could do to support families in that is what we're doing to support ourselves. You use the feelings disappointed and sad. I was thinking frustrated, irritated and mad. So like when I know Sara, lots of times there's a lot of conflicts that come about during this time, you know? And I think in particular before you and I really were more intentional about it, for me, the frustration in my heart was.

I wanted things to be relaxing and easy and I wanted things just to flow real well and you know, you're like, we'll have a white Christmas and you want all these beautiful things to happen. Yes. And then you find you're caught up in stores with shopping and traffic and it's not snowing, but it's cold and windy or maybe it is snowing too much. Yeah. So whatever. Yes. And all those kinds of, it's just not going the way you planned. Yeah. You know, and then the kids are home and you're excited about that. I know a lot of parents are

are happy to be on Christmas break. They get to see their kids more, but then that invites its own level of conflict. everyone's off schedule. It's a mess. Yeah, routines are off. are, their sleep is messed up. You're a lot of fun and then everything is also really horrible all at the same time. I think the most frustrating part is too, is you're really excited because maybe you've bought some gifts that you're excited for the kids to see. The kids are really excited, but then they're dysregulated because they're so excited.

 

So then they're kind of more on edge, more easily irritated with siblings, with each other. And so then we blow up and then the whole cycle starts to happen. Like, this was supposed to be magical. This was supposed to be great. Yeah. Yeah. And I think as parents, you feel that time. You know, you're wanting it to be real magical for them. You want these sweet memories. You know, you'll only, you know, so speak of only so many years. And so there's also that pressure of, no, I'm failing. This isn't the magic.

Wanted my kids to remember and then maybe things like kids are really wanting to find out what they got So they're kind of you know, sometimes parents complain about kids sneaking around trying to find out what their gifts are, you know Or you've got to go travel and you got to go visit other families or you feel that pressure to go do that and maybe there's family members you don't want to see or whatever, know, so they're all that kind of tension too and and maybe there's cousins who your kids get along great and maybe they don't you know,

So there's a lot of new circumstances and situations that lead to a lot more conflict, a lot more pressure and stress. And so we thought we wanted to take this time to give you five steps to survive the holiday season. And make it better. That's right, not just survive. Five steps to thrive during the holiday I'm changing it. I'm gonna change that title. Five steps to thrive, and this is dropping Sara, the Monday before Christmas.

So this is like, we thought this would be fantastic. Let's drop it now. that way, then- be on Christmas break. Yeah. So everyone listening is- the middle of all of If you're obviously running, listening, or you're driving, or you're moving, don't get a pen and paper. But if you've got a place, you got a pen and paper, get a pen and paper now, because we came up with these five steps that we intend to like, man, these are five things that we do, that we'd love to teach parents to do, to really make this not like a perfect time. It's not going to be they help. They definitely help. We don't do it perfect, but-

But when we're able to be better at these things and when we intentionally do these things, it does make a difference. And if you're like us and you said, hey, we want to have a family where we're not punishing, not yelling, not constantly thinking about consequences. And so if you're in this journey of trying to change that parent, these five things will help you have a holiday season without this need for control and using shame and fear to try to get kids to do what you want. Yes.

 

Okay, so number one, this first one is a little bit out because the other four start with a C. I just couldn't come up one. Maybe one of you all can come up and let us know. That's right. So number one that I thought of that really, I think a lot of parents I'm helping and coaching currently, Sara, a big one is acceptance. Okay. And what I mean by acceptance is lots of times we'll go into this time.

And our default, most of our brains, just in general as humans and the way we were raised was resistance, meaning we're resisting all the things that are going on, resisting, whether that's the traffic I'm in, resisting the kids, fighting more than usual, resisting, you know, just all types of stresses that are going on, that that stress is caused by us resisting what is and wanting it to be different.

Yeah, it's that thing that you feel rise up in you that's this push back. I've got to change this. I don't want this. I'm going to make this different. A lot of times if you're thinking it shouldn't be this way or we have to do this or need to get that done or I have to buy that gift or all that kind of language is a bunch of resistance type language. Okay. So I, this one's kind of more big picture, but it also is a mindset. It's waking up every day.

realizing that acceptance is the way you change moments. Meaning that you accept the moment as it is. That really this moment cannot be any other way than it currently is. So whether that's accepting, know, whatever the circumstances you have this week leading up to Christmas, accepting that fact. So waking up in the morning and saying like, I am going to accept the day as it is, you know? I'm not gonna try to fight it. I'm not gonna try to like...

you know, somehow make my kids do X, Y, and Z, you know? I'm gonna accept the fact that this is difficult. I'm gonna accept the fact that I feel overwhelmed right now. Or I'm gonna accept the fact that maybe I blew up at my kid last night. I'm not gonna resist that. I'm just gonna accept the fact that I acted in a way I didn't wanna act. Yeah, yeah. And it sort of allows you just to take a deep breath and relax into the moment because when your body is thinking, I've gotta fight this, I've gotta run from this, I've gotta, you know, it's in this,

 

Alarm to state so your nervous system is all worked up when you just go, okay I don't necessarily this isn't how I wish the moment was yeah, but I just accept it. This is what is right now Yeah, i'm gonna accept it that this season isn't gonna be perfect, right? Right. Yeah, and there's just a piece of you that then can start to relax Yeah, and things if things are going to change is from that place. Yeah, you know and it just

you'll feel it in your body. mean, even now, just think of something that you want to resist, that you want to push against, even if it's just my kids fighting all the time or whatever it might be, and just take a moment and say, I just accept it. I accept that this may be hard, that this may be, and you can feel your body go, okay, all right, all right. A good example, real quick, just so we help our listeners understand, Sara, I think, is over the Christmas time.

in particular, there'll be these things where you're trying to get a lot of stuff done. You're trying to wrap the gifts. You're trying to clean the house. You're trying whatever that might be. And then one of the kids will have an emotional moment where they're upset because their cookie fell on the floor or something. And in that moment, you will want to resist that. You'll be like, are you serious now? Do you know how much stuff I have on my plate to do? And do you see how when you do that, you're only going to make that more likely to keep happening. Whereas if you just accept it, OK, like,

To them, this is a big deal. To them, this thing is a big deal. And if I can take a moment and realize all this other stuff that I have on my plate, yes, it's not that it's not important, but in this moment, that thing is equally as important to them. And I, as the parent, am just going to accept that they need my help right now to regulate themselves and deal with this upset in a different way. And then I can get back to my list. But if I just resist it and tell it to go away, either that kid's going to stuff it or that kid's going to blow it more.

Okay, so number one is accepted. Now that is the only one that's not a C, so get ready for number two. Number two, Sara, I'd love for you to speak about this, that if we're going into this two weeks or more of a Christmas break, and I'm wanting this break to be as good as it can be, the number one step is, or number two step, is connection. Right, okay, so you really had to start from this place of acceptance, but then you want to very quickly.

 

Realize your foundation is going to be connection. If there's a breakdown in relationship, you're gonna have a hard time getting anywhere. If you think about anyone in your life, your boss or something, if there's a breakdown there, it is much harder to get a task done or comply with a request or have a good attitude. So our children are the same way. If there's a breakdown in our relationship, it's much harder for them to do anything we ask, to have a good attitude about it.

to be open to our feedback. Yeah, be receptive to it. Yeah. All of those things are hindered when they don't feel connected to us. we've really got to think, does my child feel connected to me right now? And even yes or no, it doesn't matter. I need to think about that so I'm aware of where they're at, because then I feel that if there's tension there, like, I can see that they're not feeling connected. But I want daily.

just like I plan my meals, my kids eat every day, I'm going to plan connection. I'm going to do something fun with them. I'm going to hug them. I'm going to make eye contact. I'm going to be playful. And it could be 10 minutes, but I am going to make sure that happens. If I want anything else to happen, that needs to be there first. That is success, that I've connected with them that day. And I think in the holidays, that's what's paradoxical about it is,

we want this magical time with them. And yet then we're so busy doing all these other things. We lose connection. Yeah, that seem like we have to do to make it magical. What's magical to them is you. It's just connecting to you. Like I know as a kid, there is this like, I want that gift or hope it'll be magical then. But everybody knows if you've all been a kid, if you're listening to this, you've all been a kid and know that that gift, that excitement is fleeting, right? It's there, it's fun. But what's more long lasting is the connection.

that we really enjoyed each other. even like you said, it's a simple hug. It's walking by and touching them. It's checking in with them throughout the day or like at night, make sure you're talking to them at night before they go to bed and just really like soaking it in that you get to spend time with them during this. Even if other things have to be taken off your list, this needs to be prioritized. plan it in and do it. And I'm not saying it's easy, but it's really important to do. Yeah. And so that was number two. So number one is acceptance. Number two,

 

connection. Number three is composure. Okay. So I think this is probably my bigger issue than yours. But, but when all this expectation is there, Sara, and there's all these things that quote unquote need to get done. there is this like, go, go, go, go checklist, checklist, checklist, right? And kids lots of times are inconvenient to that checklist, right? They have their own things going on, like lots of them.

especially if they've been in school this whole time, they're kinda like, I just wanna chill, I just wanna hang out, I don't wanna, and like that might not be convenient to what I want to get done. I want them, we gotta get this done, get this done, get this done. And so that means I might end up getting dysregulated, losing my composure, yelling, getting demanding, right? And so it's so important, if I want that connection that I'm doing to be effective, is I've gotta make sure I'm being intentional each day. So I'd wake up each day and say,

Okay, I'm going to do this when I start to feel overwhelmed, or I'm going to do this when I start to feel mad. And that might be, I'm going to purposely walk away and take some deep breaths. I'm going to purposely maybe smile for a moment, remind myself, I love that little kid. I might, I might purposely have a statement like, this is not an emergency. Okay, we can handle this. Whatever it is you're going to put in place for the next two weeks of just making your goal for the next two weeks to lose your composure a lot.

less than you did last Christmas, right? Make that your goal. It's not that you're not losing it at all, but just lose it less, right? And then magically, Sara, all these other things that we said are kind of frustrating, the sibling conflicts, all that stuff, they're probably going to happen less too, because we're not blowing up as much. Yeah, that's the amazing thing about it is when we have the composure, we can give that to ourselves, be compassionate with ourselves, then that does get handed off to them as well.

Cause they're, they're going to feed off whatever you have. if you're tense, overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, that's going to feed into them and you're going to more likely see that in them. But if you can be calm and happy and then that leaks all over them too. And they're feeling calm and happy. Yeah. Yeah. I might even change a little bit, not calm and happy, more, yeah, more calm and like, I'm trying to think of a different word. Cause you might, you might not feel happy right then. Right. And the goal isn't even for them to feel happy, but the goal is to at least be.

 

So then that way then you can accept the moment as it is and then connect with them, right? And I think what happens is when we're not feeling happy because the kid is doing X Y and Z then I lose my composure and then I end up destroying the connection because I'm Resisting all of that. I'm wanting to like change it with force and intimidation. Yeah, okay So number one we've got accepting the moment as it is accepting the day it is accepting what time of year this is and all this stuff that's going on to is connecting threes composure and for

would be communication or communicating. Yeah, yeah. And I think this was really powerful. I think we get so busy, it can fall to the wayside, or maybe we're not in the habit of doing it anyway. But just simple, hey, guys, let's sit down. I'm going to tell you what's going to be happening over Christmas. This is when we're going to grandma's house. This is when so-and-so is going to come over. This is how we're going to do. We're going to handle this situation.

and just lay out the things that are in your mind and communicate how those things are gonna happen when they're gonna happen. And a really big piece is asking them what's on their mind. Well, I wanna get that in just a second, hold on. That's number five, you're jumping in. Now I wanna stick with communication just a bit because I love what you said about giving the logistics, like all that's important. So then they're gonna be less anxious because they know kind of what to expect going forward or what to prepare. But I even wanna...

like communicate what the expectations are on these special events, you know, because lots of times there's a lot of variables that are out of our control, whether that's like cousins coming over and family and like when we're eating, lots of times those things are all off, right? And of course, they're also super excited about eating the sugar and the dessert and getting the gifts, right? So I remember early on, Sara, something I love that we started doing real intentionally was even simple ways we communicate it like what to do when you get a gift. Yeah.

And so, know, we- A gift you don't like. Yeah, that was part of it too. gift you like. Yeah, either way. we remember as kids of like lots of times feeling this weird conflict of like you get a gift from somebody in the family and you don't really like it. And then now I feel like I've got to be fake and got to go, this is great. It's my favorite. You know, we wanted our kids to be able to know what to do in those situations. So there were these conversations on the way to our family's Christmases where we knew there'd be these awkward moments of to say, hey,

 

does anybody owe you a gift? And the kids will say, well, no. That's right. Nobody owes you. A gift by default is something you've not owed. It's something that someone's giving you freely. So I want us to practice gratitude. And the way we're going to do that is when you get a gift, how could you show gratitude? They say, we say thank you. And we go maybe give them a hug or whatever, acknowledge the fact they did that. And say, what are you going to do, though, if you get a gift you don't like? Do we just fake it and act like we liked it? And the kids are like, I don't know. And I said, well, what I would suggest is

just being grateful that you got a gift. It doesn't have to be a gift that's your favorite, but it's just a gift. Somebody thought of you, that is the gift. So then when you say thank you, you're not thanking them because they got the perfect gift, but you're thanking them because they thought of you. They cared enough to put something together for you. And then we also were very good at communicating about what to do when you're waiting to open your gift. Because I remember as a kid,

My parents would try to set that boundary of like, wait till your brother or sister, and pretty soon we're just, everyone's open and it's like, but like we didn't want it to be that we wanted our kids to learn patience and learn self-control. the joy of watching someone else Yeah, Even watch their face. How exciting is that? And it was neat to watch the kids practice that, you know, and each year there was these key kind of skills we were wanting to do. But I say all that to say that we set the expectations before we ever went, right? But it wasn't going to your point. It wasn't just expectations that

we were dictating. If you notice listeners in that conversation we were having with the kids, it leads to the fifth step, which you were talking about, which is now we are creating the moment that we want. We're co-creating with our kids. We're not demanding something from them. Like you need to do this and you're a good kid or a more lovable kid if you do that, or I'm gonna be more proud of you. It's like, hey, how do we want our Christmas to go? Yeah, and I was thinking.

A big part of that is them communicating with us. Yes. Yes. It was under communication. that's true. that's fantastic. Cause I wanted their communication. Okay. Good point. But just checking it. Cause sometimes I think we play through our expectations on a moment or, know, we're communicating plans, but maybe we want to remember to give them space to communicate their concerns. Cause maybe I'm worried that great grandma so-and-so is going to do this or that, but

What are their worries? What are their excitements? What are they really looking forward to? Because I might not realize their favorite thing is driving around looking at Christmas lights. And so I didn't know that was on, I wouldn't even put that on the schedule. So just having that back and forth of this is how I'm imagining, is, I want to hear from them, their worries, their thoughts, their, want that communication to be a back and forth. Well, lots of times Sara kids, they're done with school on that Friday and I got two weeks off. I'm going to spend two weeks.

you know, playing video games or I'm going to spend two weeks doing X, Y, whatever. Talking on the phone to my friends. Texting. Texting. You're so old school. No one's talking on the phone. world are you living? But anyway, no. So, but the kids have these own set of expectations, what they think the two weeks are going to look like. And many times families haven't even talked about it. And so then what that looks like is a lot of quote unquote disobedience or resistance to what you're saying or defiance when really it's just

different set of expectations so if we're able to hear them and understand what they were hoping to do or even like you said I love like when you're getting together family they may not want to I remember for us for a little bit it was sometimes family would want to like force hugs on people you know they come up and they want

And then the two year olds like, wait a second, it's been a minute since I don't remember you. And so was kind of like our kids, someone said, would you tell them I don't like to do that? It was, also, hey, it also means a lot to them too. So I'd ask them to be open to connect with them. And so we get to trying to hear both sides there. But those kind of conversations were happening throughout the week and on the drive there. Or even maybe I don't really, I don't know how to play with that one cousin. I don't know how to do whatever. And then how could I help you? How can I facilitate that? Would that be helpful if I hung back there?

and helped you guys find something to do and then, yeah, could you help us learn a game or like, so those kind of things will then make it more likely that Christmas time is magical because everybody has felt heard and understood, but everybody felt empowered to create the Christmas time that they imagined they wanted. Yes, and each age is gonna be so different for that. You have the teenager may be like, well, here's my big Christmas plan. I'm gonna sleep in really late every day.

 

I'm gonna play, I'm gonna game and I'm going to, you know, and so when you can create that together versus, you know, I've got my teenager, then I've got an eight year old and an eight year old is imagining doing other things. So if we all are creating that together, can, everybody has, everybody has a voice and everybody gets to be a part of that plan. Yeah, I love that. So our five things are, do you remember them, Sara? Yes. Okay, what are they?

dude, I'm testing you right now. Number one was acceptance, right? That was okay. Number two. didn't know that you were actually wanting to go with someone. Number two is connection. Number three is composure, right? Number four, communicating. And then the fifth one is creating. Yeah. That's the right order. So, so, so if you take those five and kind of write those down and just, just kind of think about, talk to your, your spouse or your significant other, whoever else is with you during those holidays and talk about how we

Like, we want you to go in empowered to know this season doesn't have to happen to you. Like, you have the power to create the season with your kids that you're wanting to have, right? And it doesn't mean it's all gonna be perfect. It doesn't mean it's all gonna go exactly as you wish. But using these five steps is gonna make it more likely that you are gonna end these two weeks when they go back to school and say, that was awesome. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so if this is helpful to you, please take a moment to leave a comment.

to rate and review the podcast. We really love getting your feedback. We'd love to hear how your Christmas goes. We'd love you to email us and to take a moment to share with us if these helped you have a better Christmas because we really believe it'll help make the magic come back in Christmas for you, okay? So thank you so much for listening to us and we hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays. Merry Christmas.