Episode 125

Holding our kids accountable to what they've said they're going to do or the things they agree to is such an important part of parenting. For Sara and I, we are very passionate at raising kids that take responsibility because we want to be adults that take responsibility. But so many times we get so many mixed messages on how to quote unquote hold a kid accountable. Lots of times we slip back into old ways of ways people did that to us and old ways and techniques and tactics we think they have to be used.

Well today, Sara and I are gonna go in into detail and give you four clear steps about how to raise kids that know how to take responsibility for what they commit to do, what they say they're going to accomplish. And so you're gonna get such great advice, get a pen, paper, if you have a chance, if you're running and listening to this, don't do that, but definitely take a moment, pause, leave us a review, leave us a comment about how this podcast is helping you and helping your family, share this podcast.

We wanna reach as many families as we possibly can. And so we thank you so much for jumping in today and get ready to learn how to hold your kids accountable.

Hello, welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. And I'm Sara. And I hope everyone's enjoying some better fall weather now. Yeah, we are. are. Yeah, wake up and it's in the 50s or 60s. We've finally gotten some better weather. Here in Oklahoma, it gets really hot in the summer and we have just a few short weeks of some pleasant weather. hopefully wherever you're at, you're enjoying this fall weather and also the school year is going well with your family. And so we thought we'd dive into a topic that would be really pertinent to this time, Sara.

where a lot of parents were talking about schoolwork, we're talking about chores, we're talking about all types of responsibilities and expectations. they usually have extracurriculars going on right now. And I know this is very true for us. We're in this space as parents ourselves, and we're talking to other parents in this space, so it felt just the right moment, the right thing to talk about. Yeah, so the topic we want to dive into is holding kids accountable.

Okay, so I'm sure many of you listening have thought of that concept or heard of that concept. Like how do we hold our kids accountable to the commitments they've made, whether it's like getting all their stuff ready for soccer or football or basketball or getting all their homework done, right? It's all fine and good to co -create with your kids and make some kind of commitment. But how do we hold them accountable to what they've said they're going to do or things we want them to do? Yeah, I think we've all experienced those moments where it's great. We have a plan.

wait a second, my kid isn't doing the plan. And then what do I do? Because maybe your fallback has been punishment or something like that. Maybe you're wanting to move in a different direction or maybe you're thinking, is there another option? Or is that if you don't do what you say or what we've agreed to do, then bam, that's punishment. But is there another ideas or some other way to hold them accountable? Well, isn't that mostly what parents are saying, Sara, right? When they say, how do we hold them accountable?

It's what can you put over their head? What can you hang over their head in regards to telling them this is gonna happen if you don't do X, Y, and Z? Yeah, yeah, because that is a form of accountability, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, I think that's what it's seen as, right? This is how we hold somebody accountable by saying if you don't do X, then Y is gonna happen, right? So a lot of times when they're asking that question of us, or I know specifically of me or you, and we're helping coaching some parents, is they're typically saying, well, it's all, I mean, we came up with this commitment, but you know.

I mean, they might not follow through with that. So if you know, how do we hold them accountable? And like you said, the default, I would say 90%, if not 100 % of the time is what can we do to them to make it more likely to get that done? And that's when we're thinking of holding kids accountable. That's not what we're thinking about at all. And the reason why we're not thinking about that is because I don't think that works in a We used to be in that space.

I mean, we studied it. What's the best way to do that? Yeah, what's the most inventive consequence you can come up with to then? I mean, even in a healthy way, what's the healthiest way to do this? How can we how can we do this to help our children learn to follow through on their commitments? Yeah, so it might look like something like if you don't finish your homework, you don't clean your room, then fine, then you can't go hang out with your friends. Right? So it'd this

Like you got to have some kind of thing that happens to them. Now, the reason why we don't use that anymore, you even though we, like you said, had studied some of that stuff or even, you know, kind of implemented in some ways when the kids were little. And you think about in your own life, my work, my job, the things I commit to. Yeah. Yeah. The reason why we moved away from that is because I think it misses the goal because I think really what people are saying, and I ask any listener to really think about this, really when you're saying hold the kids accountable or hold this person accountable.

to what they agree to, you're really wanting that person to take responsibility. Yes, yeah, and so the effort is by doing this, I'm teaching you to take responsibility. That somehow you won't want this consequence, you won't want this punishment, so it's sort of a way to say, okay, we're gonna avoid this and by that I'm gonna learn responsibility. And what I have found out, Sara, working with teenagers, is a lot of their responses,

And I think this also plays out in books that we've read, whether it's Dr. Becky Bailey or other books that other experts in this field have talked about is the reason why that doesn't lead to a kid learning this really important skill, which is really important to us. We want our kids and we want ourselves to be really good at taking responsibility. You know, so I hope every listener understands that that is a high expectation we have is we want our kids to take responsibility for their actions. If they make a commitment, we want them to take responsibility for that. But whenever you're implementing

some consequence. And by consequence, I mean, some form of imposed thing that you're doing to the kid, which looks like punishment to the kid, is it really doesn't give them the opportunity to take responsibility. It actually takes the responsibility away from the kid, you know. And what I mean by that is just the kid will say, I did that thing, because I didn't want my parents to do that other thing to me, right. So it really looks like the kid isn't learning to take responsibility. It's just they're afraid of losing their phone.

or getting grounded, or having their car keys taken away, whatever that might be. Yeah, it becomes more about, instead of learning this skill, it becomes more about avoiding this other thing. Even the school system, you know, their best effort, you know, I get, it's a really hard thing. All of it's really, really hard. So I understand that it's just, this is our best effort, and this is, we're in a society that runs that way.

where you do this or else. Or else you don't get your paycheck, or else you're fired, or else you get a ticket, or else a fine, or else a, you know, we live in a society that's built on that. So I think it's really automatic for us to default to that, right? Because the system at large, when you're dealing with masses of people, fall to those kinds of ways of doing things. But if we're talking about we're in our home with our kids and we're trying to teach the skill of responsibility.

there's other options instead of teaching them to avoid. if we can just be sure just personal story about how it sometimes has played out. And the reason why I thought of this topic Sara was just recently there have been a few times where doing the dishes has come up or, you know, picking up the dog poop or these other kinds of things that are responsibilities that the kids have agreed to take care of. Right. And what I noticed was without being intentional without doing this on purpose is an old kind of

pattern began to play out in our home occasionally. And I'm sure many listeners have heard of this pattern. It's called good cop, bad cop, right? And so I noticed just a few weeks ago that I was reverting back to some of these bad habits, you know, where we'd be doing something and I there was something we've asked them to do and I would hear you and your sweetest, nicest, kindest way, ask the kids to do it. And the kids would say, we're gonna get on that mom.

and then they weren't doing it. thing you know, they haven't moved. Yes, there was like excuse after excuse. So it's weird, even with all my training, even though we do this on a regular basis, even though we help parents, my brain just defaulted to good cop, bad cop. I actually appreciate that sometimes just for the, to realize it brings awareness to how much that wiring is in there. When you grow up a certain way, you have that wiring. We all have wiring. We're gonna have really great pieces.

and we're gonna have some that we're like, you know what, I don't think that's serving me right now. And so for you and for us as a family, we're thinking, okay, this isn't the wiring that's serving us right now. And our parents, giving them honor, it's like your parents, did the best they could. So it's just of, hey, we wanna switch some things up, but that default is still in there. I know, and so what that default looks like is I'm listening and I'm hearing you say it in such a kind,

you know, nice way to the kids. I'm seeing them not move as quickly as I think they should be moving, right? Or I'm hearing excuses. And so I revert to bad cop. And what bad cop looks like is I start getting this louder voice. I mean, I'm not really threatening them, but I am definitely saying it in a way that I'm upset. I do not like what you're doing. I want you to change it. Yeah. I think it's that. I think I didn't grow up with that, you know, but I definitely, you know, you can't help but be exposed to it and know what it is. It's

It's like you got come in as the head. yeah, you're right. I mean, hey, we tried to say, hey kids, clean up the dishes and they didn't respond. So man, that next one that's gotta come in tough. Yeah. I mean, it's in all tons of movies, TV shows, right? It's a classic thing. I'm sure if you're listening, come on, you know, good cop, bad If I have to ask you twice. Exactly. Then the bad cops can come in. Sometimes in my home, it was even mom asking again and again. And when your dad comes home,

then bad cop's gonna show up. And so I know for a lot of listeners that either happened in your home or you're doing that in your home. But what I wanna point out is when I go bad cop and then the kids start doing the thing, like in this case, I did yell at them and then they started doing the dishes quicker. And there is this sense of like, see, I mean, this is what you gotta do. You gotta be bad cop. But if you think about that guys, that's not the kids learning how to take responsibility.

That's not holding the kids accountable to what they said. It's really me taking responsibility for them not doing the task that they said they were gonna do or we wanted them to do. So even if they do it, I want you to hear there's really no change that happens. the reason why taking responsibility is such an important skill that we want our kids to have is because that's how you change behavior. Is you take responsibility for an action you did or a commitment you made.

And over time that creates habits and that begins to form and shape you into a certain type of person, you know? But if you're constantly being threatened or doing it, you know, not even like when I say threatened, I mean, just you're gonna lose something or you can't go to that friend's house. Yeah, no TV time, yeah, screens off, yeah. If that's the reason why we're doing it, I'm not really able to change the behavior. I'm gonna always need that external kind of threat to then motivate me to care.

I think that when that first hit me, the idea of, if the parent comes in with a, if you don't then, how the parent is taking responsibility. I think the first time I heard that I thought, I mean, no, it's not. It's really holding them to what they agreed to do. But then I realized, the parent's taking responsibility because they are having to come in. If I have to come in and do that again, then they really aren't the one taking responsibility, right?

It is you coming in and imposing that or forcing it or whatever route you're making it happen, right? By causing some really unpleasant things they want to avoid. Really seeing someone take responsibility is seeing them say, okay, this is what I need to get done. Okay, when am I going to do it? You don't need to remind me. If you know I'm taking responsibility for something,

You're not thinking you're going to have to come back and remind me. You're not thinking I'm going to double check that in couple hours and make sure she took care of that. When I take responsibility, you just, it's off your plate. And so obviously I can't expect my children to have that level of responsibility yet. In some areas they do. I don't even worry about their teeth. They brush their teeth, they floss, and I don't even think, I don't even give it a second thought. I know because they have taken responsibility for that.

These other things, still growing. They're still learning. And I'm even thinking, as you use that example, Sara, when I was trying to think of what are the steps we take to help our kids take responsibility, I was even thinking of what we do in our marriage or even throughout my life. I've always had a group of guy friends who held me accountable for certain habits I wanted to break or habits I wanted to get better at making, you know? And I thought to myself, at no point did I ever think I want you to threaten me, right? At no point did I ever think I wanted these guys to yell at

right? What holding accountable to another adult looked like, you know, I'm even thinking there's times where I like, I want to exercise three to four times a week. So I'd say to you, Hey, Sara, if you see me kind of waffle in, remember, I said on Monday, I want it so then you would just say, Hey, remember, you were telling me you wanted to that's right. I do right. And so sometimes it was like me inviting you in to just reminding me of that. Or it might be like I

in the past, I've had friends who I'm trying to change a certain way I'm talking or thinking. So I might say to them, Hey, if you hear me talk like that, or bring that maybe some kind of negative self talk, hey, remind me of this, right? So it's like I'm inviting them in to do this with me. But never have I thought that yelling at me or threatening me in some form of consequence or punishment was actually going to help me take responsibility for it. Yeah.

So then if it doesn't work with adults, why would I want to translate that to kids, right? I think, I mean, sometimes adults try it. The biggest one I think about that I hear all the time is dieting, you know, and people, and they'll get really down on themselves. But I hear over and over again, now what they're coming out with is...

Don't just be like, okay, all right, just jump right back in there. Instead of go, you know, beat yourself up about it. Usually that makes it worse. Whatever it is makes it worse. why didn't I get out of bed and go exercise this morning? You know, from what I'm hearing is that's not what's gonna work, right? So you've got to do this other thing. And funny thing is it works with children too. know, though coming down hard isn't as motivating, isn't as helpful as coming alongside.

Well, and even what I think happens, sir, I've been helping a lot of kids that are now in their 20s. And many of them will even tell me it's hard to get themselves motivated with anything but a negative outcome. You like it's really the fear of failing that's going to make them go try harder at school, or even the fear of being poor that will try to help them instead of this having dreams and visions and goals, right. And once once a lot of that stuff is gone, and they're in their 20s.

You know, they're doing okay, they have an okay living, they're finding it hard to really pursue these more challenging things in their lives because there's no one there to quote unquote hold them accountable to doing those healthy habits, you know? Because now they're living on their own or they're living with mom and dad but mom and dad no longer are threatening them. They had to have an anxiety. Yes, that's what they say. They to amp up the anxiety to then want to avoid the anxiety by going and doing the thing. Or they had to amp up the fear.

and that all of that is avoidance techniques instead of approach techniques. yeah. So what we decided to do is give you four specific steps that as I kind of broke it down, Sara, I thought, well, what do I do with our kids when I'm trying to help them take responsibility? These are the four steps. So if you're ready to go, you have a pen and paper ready or you're just driving, listening, here are the four steps that I think we would be purposely taking. So number one, the first one would be we always want to connect first.

Okay, so anytime like we're seeing a behavior that we're wanting that behavior to change, the kid has said it's going to change, but it doesn't seem to be changing. We're always going to connect first. And this is important because the only way you can help them take responsibility is by being on the same team. Right? Like, when I'm being bad cop, I'm not on the same team. I'm on an opposing team, you know? So, so therefore I'm not able to really co -create anything with them.

At best I'm just gonna intimidate them into doing that thing, you know So so I always want to connect first to make sure that they know I'm with them and I'm for them Yes, I mean and we all know this to be true I know we have said this on this podcast several times But who are you gonna listen to who do you open up to who are you vulnerable with? Who are you gonna go to when you're saying? You know what? I I see a habit in myself and I want to change it

I wanna grow in this area. You're gonna go to someone you feel connected to and safe with. You don't pick someone who you think is down on you, thinks bad of Gonna criticize you and judge you. Yeah, every time they see you mess up, I saw, you know. I'm holding you accountable. I'm looking for when you fail. That's not who we're coming to. So we have got to, I mean, I know we do this all the time. I think go back to connection, go back to, if it feels like it's falling apart, you have got to go back to connection.

Not do I feel, does my child feel connected to me? Do they feel like they can approach me, come to me, be vulnerable to me? And we're not gonna do this perfect. So we've just got to, we wanna keep it there to go, okay, wait, you know what? I need to work on connection. Well, and what this looked like for us even after this whole incident where you were good cop and I was bad cop. I I know you didn't do that on purpose, but the way I saw it is the very next day as we're driving home from a place we had been.

I thought it was kind of a 15, 20 minute drive. So this is a good opportunity. And I just said to the kids, hey, you guys didn't seem to like when I got upset at you yesterday, you all seem to have a negative reaction to that. What is it you wanted to say to me? And that's when I gave them an opportunity also to connect with me and to really like share what bothered them about it. And I was there, you just listened. And you thanked them for the feedback. You were very, very open.

I mean, it'd be really easy to slip into defensiveness or feeling like, I mean, I only did that because, and you were just very receptive to what they had to share. And as they, you could see them kind of testing it, you know, like, you really, are you really, you can hear me say this. And when, when they felt like they could safely tell you what they were thinking and feeling, you know, they were just so open with you and it was wonderful. so then that leads me into the second step that I was intentionally doing on the drive home.

which is I'm wanting to seek understanding and clarity. Okay. So I really wanted to understand their perspective of this whole incident, right. And really also clarify what they thought we were trying to accomplish, right. And also help me better understand myself. What was I trying to accomplish, right? Like, cause I got to talk to them in this understanding and clarity conversation about this good cop, bad cop thing, right. But then we also got to discuss like, what are the barriers?

to us being successful, you know, what does success look like, right? So in this conversation, I would be discussing that. What are the challenges that you guys are facing to be able to do this thing we're asking you to do? Because it seems like sometimes you're successful, sometimes you're not. So we need to understand what the barriers are, but then also clearly define what are we expecting as parents of it, and what are they expecting? Does it all look the same? Because we want to have a complete picture. Do we have the same goal? Yeah.

Right? Do we have the same goal? And I mean, if we had the goal of dishes, and even if it's their goal is to dishes once a week, but our goal was every day. you know, I mean, really kind of getting into the nitty gritty of what does this look like? We like a clean kitchen throughout the day. Yep. So what does that look like? I mean, you really have to kind of dive in. What does it look like to have your schoolwork done? So when we're saying schoolwork, maybe we want it done at a certain time, they think, you know, it's a different time, right? Just before bed or something like that. So

A lot of the conflicts I've found, that happen between parents and their kids in this case is because of a lack of understanding and clarity. Like really what the parent sees as success is different than what the kid thought success was. And so maybe the kid, I even remember, man, when we were first married, you and I had made kind of an agreement that you're great cook. And if you cook, I will do all the dishes, take care of all the cleanup, right? And I was in the habit though of just waiting till the morning instead of doing it at night.

and you were clarifying with me that to you success meant doing the dishes before we went to bed. I mean, come on. mean, wouldn't everyone agree going to bed with a clean kitchen so much better? Well, and now I agree with you. But back then I was like, I think watching sports center until I go to sleep is better. But then I thought, okay, no, so for her, I agreed to do dishes, she would like them done before we go to bed. So even in that, was like I was taking responsibility. And the way you held me accountable was just like,

if I hadn't done it, you would just come back and gently say, Hey, I thought you were saying that was going to be done at night. yeah, I forgot. Right. And so that's how habits are formed. You know, it's hard for you to say, fine, I will not start doing it this way, even though I haven't been doing it that way. just through that simple conversation, I would then be reminded that we had decided that it would be done at night. Okay. So that's step two. So step one is connection. Step two is seeking understanding and clarity. Step three is now we want to co -create the boundaries with them, you know,

So what are the boundaries? Not the consequences, not the punishments, but basically the boundaries that we're gonna place around this to make sure we're successful. these boundaries are gonna help them be more likely to succeed and create habits. So what I mean by boundaries, it means like, for instance, are we gonna do dishes right after the dinner's done? Are we gonna do homework right when we get home from school?

Are we going to, when we talk to each other and there's a conflict, are we gonna resolve it that day and not wait till later on in the week, right? Yeah, if we're too upset, do we walk away for a moment and then come back later? How long later? What does later mean? And so through that conversation with the kids, like for instance, with our kids, and us talking about it, me connecting, asking, hey, getting some feedback, and then us saying like, okay, we don't want this kind of interaction. I don't wanna do this good cop, bad cop thing. I don't think that's healthy.

then it was like, okay, in the future when I'm thinking the dishes need to be done or not done, what is the most helpful way to say that? Because I would like this, right? Or when I see the dog poop hasn't been picked up, what would be helpful way to ask that? And I'm wanting them, if you see the question I'm asking, I'm wanting them to tell me how to do that, right? Instead of me telling them how to do it, because you're more likely to have commitment to those boundaries and to that task, to where they are now.

telling me how to hold them accountable. Yes, yes. It's a world of difference when you come up with a plan as a parent versus when you involve them and coming up with a plan and even better when they come to you. I mean, we're really to that space, especially with our oldest one. A lot of times she'll say, you know what? Yeah, I'm really not doing that. This is what I need. This is what I'm going to do. And all we have to do is remind her, say, hey, remember you said you wanted to do this and you aren't doing it. How's that going?

And she'll go, yeah, yeah, I do want to do that. Or no, I've noticed this problem with it and I need to change it. I'm going to do this now. And you see that rise up a lot more as they get older and they build this skill of doing this. Because it's something I think about when they go out into the world. Again, you're always building skills. You're always needing to learn new things and build habits and take responsibility. And so you want them to learn that problem solving and be able to do that.

Now say on this step three, Sara is where it differs a little bit between how we would do it in our marriage, or how we would do with another adult. What I mean by that is that there may be a point in here, especially if you've done this process several times with a kid, like let's say you're specifically talking about schoolwork. So they might say something, I want to do it right after school. And they might tell you that. But then it seems like every time after school, when you remind them or they they come up, they're distracted by their phone or by other devices, right? So you might say something like, hey, I'm willing to give that a try that you're saying,

for this next week, you're gonna come right home, you're gonna be around the schoolwork, because I've noticed your grades are slipping. And we really, I really want us to make this a priority, right? And so the kids like, I want to make this priority too, great. But then the kid comes home and the kids not following through with that commitment. that's where you might notice that and you might say, hey, this next week, if I'm not seeing any change this week, I want you to put the

give me the phone right when you get home or or let's put away the video games right when you go until the work is done. So I would like to place that boundary on that because I want you to succeed. So if you hear that there's a little different, you know, parents kind of authority somewhat coming in there to guide and direct, right. So it isn't just like the kid is leading the whole thing. Sometimes kids are struggling.

with how to do that for themselves. And so, so occasionally they need you to come in, not to be a jerk about it or not to pose it even as like, you know what, you don't do it this week, then you're going to lose the phone next week, right? It really is all in the intense on how you present it to the kid. But I would present it as, listen, I think this would be really helpful to you. And I think if the connection is really good when you present that, at least the ones that I've helped coach is a lot of the kids are receptive that they might even admit that they may need that kind of help. Yes. Yes. And we've seen that. And obviously

I mean, man, you take this all the way down to little kids. Our little kids didn't always like a seatbelt. They didn't always want to ride in their car seat. But that's a safety issue. even if we did our best to make that a positive experience, but sometimes it just wasn't. And when it comes to safety, and obviously when they're younger, you're the one managing a lot of that for them, because they just don't even know.

But the goal is to keep working towards that and keep working. And like you said, the how you approach it versus I'm just coming in and doing this versus this is a safety boundary. We're going to need to do this even if right now this is a heart. And even that say if you do that, the goal is eventually for them to own it and do it themselves. Right. So success isn't even if for a little bit, if you're more leading that with something with a small kid, it is for eventually for them to just to take over. Right. So, so I'm always thinking about intentionally is what I'm doing, undermining their ability to take responsibility or is it helping them?

So in this creating boundaries, even if I said, hey, I'd like the phone so you're not distracted, eventually success would be the kids say, here, take my phone. I don't want to be distracted. That's the vision. Okay. So even when you put those boundaries in place, that's not ultimate, like the ultimate goal. want them to eventually own this themselves. Again, going back to what we're seeing, you know, what you see is you see this transition start to happen where they are taking more of that and doing more things.

to move in that direction as they get older and mature and build the skills. And then so the last part of this four step process is then I wanna check in regularly with my kids to support them in developing the new habit. I wanna see if what we chose to do is actually working, right? So I'd make that even part of the boundaries is, hey, let's start this now. I'm gonna intentionally put on my phone.

to follow up with you in a week to see how's that going in regards to keeping your room cleaner? How's that going for you keeping up on the other chores that you agreed to do, right? So I'm gonna follow up, but it's no different than I might even ask you to do or a friend to do to say, hey, I'm trying to change this habit. Just ask me how it's going, And that's what you're wanting to get in this healthy way. It's something, Sara, that we're trying to do to give to our kids when they leave our house.

They're able to keep doing this with their friends, right? They're able to do this with their spouses someday, and because we've taught them how to co -create with other human beings, because this isn't meant to be something they do by themselves. It's meant to be something they do with us, and that you get in relationship with people who are for you, and you invite them into helping you create these healthier habits. And they feel really good about themselves. There's something about having completed a task or fulfilled some commitment you've made.

when it's something that you have done from within yourself versus an external force feeling like it's making you do that thing, right? I'm doing this because I'm avoiding a punishment is not as rewarding as I did this thing because I have the skill and I held to my word or whatever it might be, feels a lot better to children, to all of us. And it impacts the brain in different ways too.

Yeah. And so the last part I'd add is like a bonus thing. You brought this up when we were discussing this is it's really important for me to make sure this is their goal instead of my goal. You know, lots of times when you're not seeing success in this area and you feel like, well, I, they just won't do it. I have to keep holding them account is it's typically because you have a kid who doesn't really think it's their job to set the goal. You know, that's typically the barrier I see is there they've, they've grown accustomed to you always taking the leadership role in that.

You know, and so the kid is just agreeing to your goals and the kids agreeing to your goals to get the conversation to be over the lecture to end. They're just used to you managing everything in their life. So you're always the goal setter and they haven't really learned that skill worked it out. It's something you have to build and work out and go through. And, and so a lot of times you'll see this, especially in older and teenagers, there's a lot of conflict because the parent has a certain goal.

but the teenager's goal is entirely different. Children, they're a little more likely to go with your goal. They're used to that, that younger age, but teenagers, they're even trying to, you know, that individuate. You know, they're learning, who am I? Yeah, they're really trying to, like, who am I? How do I do this? What do I like? What do I dislike? And sometimes they need to be a little away from you or have some space to be able to figure that out, to sort that out. And so you'll see some of that.

those problems arise because they maybe have set a different goal. And so by that connection, by that checking in with them, you can learn their goals and then figure out how to align your goals. What's really frustrating is what if they change their goals? That's really annoying. It might have at one time, you might be like, was their goal. And then they switched it on me, you know? So that's why those regular connection times, especially with your teenager are very important to then find that out because maybe what you thought was super important to them.

three months ago, just isn't as important to We all experienced that, You loved something and then a year later you wanted nothing to do Maybe you got some new information and like, I don't want to do that goal anymore. Yeah, and you're sorting through things. We know that. So just to recap that, so the four steps to quote unquote, holding your kids accountable, which inevitably is helping your kids develop the skill of taking responsibility, right? So eventually they're holding themselves accountable. Is number one, I want to connect first.

Make sure I'm on the same team with them and not opposed to them. Number two, I want to seek understanding and clarity. I really want to figure out what those barriers are to achieving that those new habits are trying to, know, whatever expectations we have or they have. Number three, co -create boundaries with them. And then number four, follow up with them to see how successful those boundaries you two created together are. Okay. Okay. So I really hope this podcast today gave you tons of great information to help you with your kid as you're

raising these kids to someday be able to take responsibility, accountability for their own lives, right? Because they really want to be able to do it because that feels really good when we set our own goals, we achieve those goals. And especially when we get people in our lives who we can trust to invite into that process, because this life is not meant to be done alone. And they need you in that co creating process because you want them to know you're going to be there for the rest of their lives. So I hope this is really helpful, especially as the school year is progressing. And you got a lot of tools.

to help your kids this fall. Thank you. We appreciate you.