Episode 123

I think every parent listening to this podcast right now would love to be able to create and shape and form a strong foundation for their, for your family, for your kids, right? To create a house that stands the test of time that no matter what storm comes your way or your kid's way, that that, house can stand against the winds, against the rain, against the storms. And there are certain ways to create a foundation that is sturdy.

 

that is strong. And there's other things that we do that make foundations that crack easily and fall apart. So that's why today we wanted to bring Nellie Harden back to the podcast. If you haven't heard her before, you can go back to our previous podcast where she shares the five pillars of how to raise kids who have worth, who feel like they're worthy to be loved. You know, and that was a great podcast. It was so good that we're like, man, I want her to come back because she's got this great vision about how to form this foundation and this, this

 

home that will be strong and stand the test of time. So today she's going to share the four key tools to creating that foundation. I think you're really going to find it very helpful. If you haven't already take a moment to stop and, leave a comment, leave a review for us. That's really helpful. Really want more and more people to be exposed to this, to really get the tools they need for their family. If you've never checked us out on YouTube, go to our YouTube channel, just art of raising humans at YouTube. Check us out on Instagram.

 

TikTok, Facebook, we'd love you to follow us there because we're constantly doing reels that connect to the podcast that week to kind of help deepen the conversation, you know? So we'd love to have you jump on and get involved in all of those ways. So get ready to dive into a very helpful conversation about how to build a home that will stand the test of time and your kids can really have a firm foundation.

 

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. Hey, and I'm SARA. And today we've got a first for the podcast, honey. You the first time ever we've had a guest on for a second time. Yes. Right? We're doing an encore presentation of having Nellie Hardin on the podcast. So Nellie, hello.

 

Hello, thank you so much for having me again.

 

And Nellie, we wanted to have you on a second time because man, we were doing the last interview and for those who haven't heard it, I want you to go back and listen to it. We dive into Nellie's idea of the 6 ,570 days that we have with our kids from the time they're born to the time they leave and go become adults, right? We delved into that and also we talked about the five pillars of worth. Very powerful podcast and we just at the end, we're like, dang it.

 

There's so many things we wanted to ask her about. We got good feedback too. We had people saying, Hey, could we hear more? Exactly. So we're like, okay, we'll schedule her again. And so she's been very busy this summer traveling with her family. She's got four kids of her own, all in the teenage years moving into adulthood. And so we really wanted to delve more deeply with Nellie into these ideas about how our kids are formed and shaped. And so I know specifically Nellie, we really focused.

 

about the teenage years because you have four kids in that kind of frame. today I wanted to like go back and kind of just more talk about a foundation that we can set for our kids because I think we're very in line. SARA and I are very much connected with you that we think those teenage years can be phenomenal, can be some of the most exciting times. I know that's what you're experiencing. I know that's what we're experiencing. And I know when we were growing up, a lot of the

 

the normal talk was like, just survive those years. You know, let's get, let's just get through them. And it was almost like the best years were when they were young and all those, those are great years too. But it's like in the teenage years, you're really getting to like see them blossom, you know, kind of really get to know who they are. And it's more like, it's kind of fun and scary to have them like start driving their own life, you know, and, you're just a passenger now. so that there is a lot of, a lot of scary things about that, but it's also very exciting to see.

 

where they're gonna head and where they're going. But I wanted to, for those parents who have kids who are still in those elementary years, those early years, and they're like, well, that sounds good, but what's the foundational, know, spaces, ways that we do that? So I'd love for you to kind of share with us as we were chatting before we got on this call, you talked about how you've kind of developed this idea of a house.

 

Right? So, so kind of delve into that about how you envision family life as like a house and you're an architect. And so I'd love to hear more about that.

 

Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, we do have this grant or great, great project that is happening. the 65, 70 project. And that is, like you said, 6 ,570 days that we have is they're true primary developers, right? Before they're moving out into the world. And I do call parents architects. are planning, designing, and building the beginning of someone else's life. And I'm not, I'm not very sure if there's any other, you know,

 

Hmm.

 

worthy or more grand project than that architecture project out there. Yeah. And so just like in a home that is being built, we build the foundation as their architects so that they can build the house, their life on top of that firm foundation, right? And we need to go in there. We need to make sure it is rock solid, that

 

Yeah, totally agree. Yes.

 

Mmm, yeah, yeah.

 

that it is not going to shift under the weight of the life that they are trying to build, right? That it is not going to fall down in the storms that will inevitably come. Absolutely. I live here on the coast of North Carolina. We always have, especially this time of year, hurricane threats over and over and over again. And, you know, even in my own home here, my physical home, we've been told it's been standing for 20 years. It's withheld through so many storms. It's like,

 

Yes.

 

this foundation that you have is so strong, it was built up to these standards so you don't have to worry. And that is what I want to build for the life of my child too and what they are building. And so that's really where that idea comes from.

 

Yeah, well, I think it just gives you a clear picture. mean, I know in lot of ways, there's a lot of metaphors we can use in parenting, but I think that architectural metaphor, I think everybody understands that. mean, recently there was that earthquake in California that hit Los Angeles, you know, and just like everybody wants their home steady and strong. So no matter what comes or might shake it, that it's more likely to succeed and not fall apart. I know you were even mentioning about how your neighbor

 

had some issues with their house. And I think that was a way to expand the metaphor.

 

Yeah, absolutely. So we live in a neighborhood that always has some building here on the coast and right across the street from us. We noticed I was sitting outside working on my porch and there were truckloads. mean, huge truckloads of trucks coming in and out of there. And normally it's just they're bringing in things and what have you, but they were taking out all of this dirt.

 

Hmm.

 

And we were on our walk with our dogs and we talked with one of the builders over there. They said, well, we had to completely take out like feet, feet down. We had to take out all of this dirt because it was quote unquote bad dirt. was faulty dirt. They couldn't even use the dirt that was there because it was bad. And the reason it was bad is because

 

Wow.

 

Hmm.

 

Back in the day, 20 or so years ago when my house and other houses right around in my vicinity were being built, that was the dumping ground, right? And we see that metaphorically again, in so many parents and families in this generational pain that just have this dumping ground of all of their overflow of negativity, of resentment, of hurt, of pain, of trauma.

 

and

 

that they have that when they have children, that is just their dumping ground. And that makes for a terrible foundation. And it is not meaningful. They don't necessarily mean to do that. They just don't have the tools and resources to understand, okay, I need to remove this from myself. I need to remove this from my child so I can start building a firm foundation for them. And so yeah, across the street, they had to bring in good dirt so they can even start building the foundation.

 

on top of that.

 

Love that. I love this idea too, when we're working with parents and coaching them, we talk about, there's a book that I read a few years ago called Good Dirt Families, and it talks about kind of tilling that soil, and really our job as parents is to make sure that dirt is good.

 

to be built upon or to grow something in a metaphor of growing a plant or a tree. And if that's really the only like power we have is to kind of help cultivate that soil for our kids and to really put the nutrients, get the weeds out, help water, but inevitably they're going to grow into whatever they're going to grow into. Our job is just to make sure that that dirt is good. Yeah. So, so in light of that metaphor, could you kind of share with us, what are the four foundational aspects of that, that you've seen that parents

 

can be building at an early age to make sure those teenage years are really fruitful and solid.

 

Yeah, and so here's the thing with childhood there and the childhood parenthood dynamic, it goes through many seasons, but two massive seasons and the transition between them can be very blurry. And so we have the early childhood season when as a parent, it can be very physically taxing and it can be emotionally and mentally taxing on the schedule, time, sleep, right? All of those things.

 

but we move into the second half of childhood and the adolescence period, and then we're dealing with a lot more complex and difficult emotional and mental and sometimes physical strains, especially before they get a license and you're the taxi driver to this where and everywhere. But yeah, the emotional, mental and even spiritual attacks that it can take.

 

Mm -hmm.

 

Yeah.

 

as a parent of an adolescence. And this is where a lot of parental breakdown happens. And so what we can do is fortify ourselves early on and let me, any listener that's listening and saying, I'm not that early on right now, what do I do? It's okay, it is okay. You can absolutely build alongside your child too, which I'm gonna be honest and say that is what I had to do as well. I did not have this foundation built when I was

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

growing up, which is why it is so imperative for me now because I had to build as an adult, which is much harder, by the way. You need to take a sledgehammer to the foundation you have and try and replace it out. The dump truck's coming in and out, you know, so to speak. I know it's much more expensive taxing all the things. But so, and then I'm raising my four daughters right now that are all between the ages of 14 and 19 right now. And so

 

I know, it's like what your neighbors are doing, I know, yes.

 

It's really imperative for me to get out and help parents understand it's never too late. You can absolutely do this. Starting early is incredible, great intention, but if you didn't, it's okay too. But all that to say, there's really four tools that you want to use whenever you are building this. And you can start building these within yourself before you have kids, when you have little kids, and anywhere throughout the journey.

 

And these tools, I'll just mention real quick and we can dive into each one or some of them if you'd like is vision, discipline, vulnerability, and resilience. Those are the four tools. mean, think about you are out there on the job site, so to speak, of building this foundation for the life of your child. And these are the four tools that you want in your toolbox, in your tool belt, right? On you, on your person.

 

Hmm.

 

vision, discipline, vulnerability, resilience.

 

I love, I love the grace that it gives us as parents. Cause I don't know any parent who feels, like they've arrived, you know, I'm just perfect now. And so I love the grace of just, can jump in where I'm at. can, I can jump in however old my child is. I can jump in where I'm at right now as a parent and we can do this together and it's not perfection, but it's just, let's go. grow and I'll help you build this foundation.

 

Yeah.

 

I love that because I think sometimes it's discouraging when you feel so far behind. Yes. You know, and to know that, that, okay, here, here I am. This is where I'm at. I can embrace this and let's go. Yeah. Yeah. So, all right. So do you start with visions that you listed on that way? Does it start? Does it matter?

 

Right.

 

Absolutely. Yeah, it is a gradual process. So you want vision to be able to see, okay, where am I right now? And this is an inventory that you want to take of yourself talking about that generational trauma, personal trauma that you've had, know, it's traumas and dramas, right? Take an inventory of yourself. What do you actually want to pass on to your kids and what do you want to have end with you?

 

Yes.

 

And when I say end with you, I do not mean sweep it under the rug. I do not mean try to bury it and forget about it. I mean, deal with it and get through the healing process of that. And some of those healing processes will be lifelong, but that's okay as long as you're on it, right? And it is just a process. And some of them you will be able to deal with and they will be in your rear view, just a scar and that's okay too, but.

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

Having vision means understanding where I am, understanding where I want to go, what I want to pass on. And it's the ability of seeing, okay, we're in this situation now, where is this going? Right? And just the other day, just an example of this, one of my kids came home and my kids, we've not been home for more than nine days at any one point this summer. We have been go, go, go, go, go.

 

We're home now, school is starting soon, but they are in tennis five days a week. They're trying to finish up all these things. So my youngest, who's 14, which is the inflammatory part for sure of the adolescent years is around 14. I mean, it's all... Yes. And so 14, I was walking with my husband the other day and she was ahead and there was some friction and I just looked at my husband, I was like,

 

We know Nellie, we know, we know Nellie.

 

This is the last time we have to go through 14.

 

And he's like, yeah, okay, I can do this, you know? But it was so funny. anyway, she was, my 14 year old, she was kind of reeling and you could see it. She was getting wound tighter and tighter. And there was some things that she missed doing earlier in the day, some of her responsibilities. In our home, it's always responsibilities before recreation. but.

 

I knew that if we keep pushing this, she's going to completely flip a lid. She needs some downtime and we can't keep pushing. So understanding and being observant of what is happening right now, knowing her personally, right? Not just all 14 year olds, not just all young women, but her personally, right? And what her cues are to me and to the outside environment. And I went up to her and I was like, honey, you are so tired. I'm not tired.

 

Yeah.

 

I'm like, I know you don't feel like you're tired, but I can tell you're exhausted and your eyes, your body language, the way you're speaking, why don't you go just sit down on your bed for a few minutes, right? she was out like that, right? And so it's just that ability to see, okay, where are we? Where is this going? Where do we need to divert in the moment, right? And that's why it's first because it is...

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

a vision of, okay, what needs to happen now because of where we are.

 

I love how you described it as an inventory too. It's like, let's just collect, I don't know if anyone's cleaned out a closet or something. I've been doing a lot of that this summer. It's like, it all out. Let's take a good look at everything so we can figure out where we're going. But it a moment. You have to be very intentional and pause and go, let me haul out my childhood or my, like, who am I? How am I going through this? What's going on with my kids? So that we can have a direction forward instead of just moving forward.

 

It helps you to see where all the pieces are. So I love that inventory idea of just sort of collecting it all and going, okay, where am I gonna go intentionally?

 

Right.

 

And I just recently heard or put together a great question for a group that I was working with and this worked wonders for them for doing this. Bring it all out, sit with yourself in some silence, maybe put on a little bit of music. I have to have instrumental because if words are on, I'm singing the words. so I sit there by yourself, have some alone time, bring out everything in your emotional, mental, trauma drama closet.

 

Yeah.

 

and ask yourself, what is it that is holding me back from true freedom? And that will usually get you the stumbling block that is most in your way, or at least the biggest one that you need to deal with first, and then others along the way. But what is holding you back from having true freedom, right? And that will bring some clarity to what you need to work on.

 

It's good. Yes. Okay. So first pillar is vision, right? So look at kind of get a big picture. made me think of our garage and how we need to do this too. But like, well, yeah, we need to go in there and see what's the biggest stumbling block to our garage. being more organized. Right. But yes, but, having that vision, having that understanding of kind of what, what's, what's going on there and then where you're wanting to go with it. Right. And then, so then the second part was the discipline. So if you could do that next.

 

Yeah, the first tool, yeah.

 

Hahaha!

 

Absolutely.

 

Yeah. So the second tool that you need to build this foundation is discipline. So discipline has been one of those words and concepts that we have morphed as a culture and community. And discipline has come to mean spanking, yelling, know, grounding and what have you, but that is not what discipline is. Those are consequences. And sometimes they're even punishments depending on how they're delivered and why they're delivered. Right?

 

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nope. Yeah, yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

 

And so we have to get back to the core of what discipline is. And discipline is teaching. I love back in the day when the very early universities started in the United States, Harvard, Yale, know, the real oldies and the majors were not called majors. They were called disciplines. And so what are you learning? What are you concentrating on and focusing and moving forward and growing wisdom in? And that's where discipline

 

Mm -hmm.

 

That's right. Yes, that's right. Yeah.

 

really comes from. So as a parent and then all of these tools are things that you want to have or grow next to your child and pass on to your child. So vision, discipline, and you want them to be able to see, okay, I am here. I have a challenge in front of me. It's the discipline bridge, right? I am here on one side of the bridge.

 

I need to get over this discipline bridge to the desired outcome on the other side and over that bridge. That's why vision has to come first. You need to be able to see it. need to say, okay, this is what I need to do. This is what I am going to do. Right. And actually do it. Right. And have a desired outcome. It's not just, you know, this happens. It's luck or, you know, luck of the drawer, what have you know, that is what I want. This is as simple as.

 

the dogs need to go for a walk, I need to get up, I need to put the leashes on and I need to go for the walk even if I don't feel like it, right? Or a test is coming up or a big game is coming up or we're really facing a huge challenge in our family right now, addiction, mental illness, what have you. This is where we are.

 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

That is where I wanna go. What are the steps to get there? What is the discipline that we need to do? And the discipline is actually doing the things that you need to do.

 

Yeah.

 

Well, if someone's wanting to be healthier, they just need to be more, how am I eating? What's the goal? What does healthier look like? That's the vision. What does it mean to be a healthy person? And then am I exercising? Am I eating well? Those are kind of simple things that a lot of people I think can relate to. And then even going back to that word discipline, we say it a lot to our audience, Nellie, that the root word of discipline is disciple. So discipleship is about inviting your kid into doing this with you.

 

Yeah.

 

Absolutely.

 

to say, hey, I'm going this way. Would you take my hand? Could we do this together? And that's why those other things you discussed, those are all tools of punishment. And punishment are things that are done in society or whatever to deter behavior. Well, the goal here for us is to create new behavior, to change behavior into something healthier, into something better. And so when you think about even being a self -disciplined person, that's not a person who's punishing themselves all the time. It's a person

 

Right.

 

who knows the goal they're trying to achieve. They know the human they want to become. And then they are doing the steps to form that and shape that within them. And so like, I like to use sports metaphors a lot of just like a disciplined team, isn't a team that's been punished by their coach a lot. It's a team that has bought into a vision that the coach has said.

 

Right.

 

Hey, this is how I want to play this game. And the team is like, I love that coach. And then they go out there and the coolest part I like about that Nellie is when a disciplined team shows up on the field, it doesn't matter how the ref is reffing the game. It doesn't matter how that other team is acting. That team knows who they want to be and they know how to be that particular person on the field. And so then they go play their game no matter what the other team is doing. So for us,

 

in that this month, our vision is we wanna raise kids who are self -disciplined, who no matter what the circumstance or situation, they know who they are and they know how to be that person in that situation or circumstance.

 

Absolutely. Let me bring this to a very real level that I think every single parent listening to this can relate to and this just happened yesterday. you know, as I mentioned, responsibilities before recreation. Well, I came down yesterday and some of my kids were watching some of their shows. They have their own personal little shows that they watch. Well, that is recreation, okay? If you're sitting down watching a show, then that means that your list of responsibilities is done.

 

Mm -hmm.

 

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

 

this list of responsibilities is something that we came up with together. Okay. So it's not something that I, you know, just dictated and expect that they don't know about, right? We went over it together. We sat down. I had them read them out loud. They know what they're printed in their rooms, right? They know what their responsibilities are. And so,

 

Sure, co -created it, yeah.

 

Last night, went to, they were at tennis practice and I went and I was gathering some things around the house and I noticed that three of them had not done all of their list of responsibilities and varying degrees of things. So I let them know in a text, just so you guys know, because I couldn't call them there in tennis practice, just so you guys know, you chose not to do your responsibilities, which means you also chose a consequence. So when you come home,

 

just make sure that you finish your list of responsibilities and then come see me for your consequence and then we'll go from there. And so, and I said there doesn't need to be any arguments or anything, you know, this was your choice. And, but when they came home, I didn't meet them at the door with a scowl. It was, hey, how are you? How was tennis practice? Right? that's great. Okay, so you're gonna go take care of your things now, right? And so,

 

The punishment side or the anger side would have been like, cannot believe that you didn't do this. We went through this, right? And all the things, but it doesn't need to do that. And the consequence needs to be in line with the discipline you are trying to achieve. So for them, it was different for all three of them, but it included a deep cleaning, a bathroom for two of them and vacuuming the second floor for the other one, right? So it was in line with what they needed to do, but there was no drama about it.

 

Mm -hmm. Yeah. Sure. Of course. Yep. Yep.

 

Yeah, yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

And they were just a, one of them tried, one of them tried. It's that 14 year old, you know, come out, coming out. I didn't do this or this or this. And I was like, well, you did. And that was your responsibility. And I'm sorry you feel that way, but just so you know, change the definition in your, in your head. This is what the definition of complete looks like. And so she tried desperately to get out of it. And I was like, no, honey, but just let me know when you're done. I'll come, I'll come check it. So you could go do what you wanted to do tonight. And so.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

As a parent with that discipline, you can't, we're teaching it. The consequences, if there are any, need to be in line with that discipline, but stay calm. There's no reason to have the negativity thrown in there because they need to learn how to discipline themselves. And when they're disciplining themselves, I don't want them yelling at themselves, throwing themselves down and beating themselves up. Yeah, absolutely. They made a choice and there's consequence and that's okay.

 

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yes, or shaming themselves, berating them. being youth. Yeah. then the third tool is vulnerability. how does that fit into this?

 

Well, with vulnerability, you have to be open. mean, talk about that vision that we talked about before, right? I'm growing concurrently with you. I think SARA said you need to grow in order to go. I love that, right? And so, yeah, you need to be able to open yourself up to being vulnerable with them. And we all have hurts, habits, hangups, and all of that. And so when we can open ourselves up to our kids and be like, you know what?

 

Mm -hmm.

 

that hurt me and I'm still trying to heal from that, whether it be from them, whether it be from someone else or what have you and have them observe your healing journey and be a part of your healing journey, that can be really, really powerful. The other side of vulnerability is having them speak wisdom into you because our kids are such an untapped wisdom factory because they aren't so

 

you

 

Totally. 100%. Yes. I agree. Yep.

 

jaded by so many things and so layered by all the world has given us, you know, over the last 30, 40, 50, whatever years. so, excuse me, when we have something going on, especially an outside point of view in one -on -one time, which is something I recommend every parent have with every child is weekly one -on -one time. Yes.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

percent. Yep. Well, that gives that time for that vulnerability too, right? If you're not having that, it's hard to be like have these really vulnerable times with everybody. It's much more effective in that one -on -one space. Yeah. That's right. I've got something very vulnerable to share.

 

Yes. Around the dinner table having, can I pass, you know, please pass the Parmesan cheese. I have, I'm having a really bad day. Yeah. Yeah. So sitting up on their, you know, their bed and, and, you know, talking eye to eye, to knee. And so anyway, having that vulnerable, vulnerable moment and saying, you know, this thing is happening. What do you think I should do? What would you do? What are your thoughts? What do you think is going on? And even if.

 

what they have to say is not going to be applicable to you. It's okay, just listen and give them the room to speak into your situation because what they're hearing, going back to the worth pillars that we talked about in our previous show, is what I have to say matters. My ideas matter, right? She sees me and actually values my opinion and my thoughts right now, or he, depending, mom or dad. So anyway, going back to that.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Yeah, yeah

 

Yeah.

 

then you can be vulnerable and have them speak wisdom into you. And if you do that, they are so much more apt to be vulnerable with you about what's going on with them. We have to lead as parents. We lead, they follow. Love and lead them to a place they love and lead themselves. And so if we can be vulnerable first, they will learn how to be vulnerable too.

 

Yeah.

 

Well, you know, an example even of that in a similar way was just yesterday as our 14 year old was kind of emotional about some stuff. And I was trying to talk, but I was getting kind of frustrated that it seemed to be going nowhere. So I was raising my voice as I was talking and our eight year old said, she put her hand up and I said, what is it you want to say? And she goes, who here thinks dad doesn't need to raise his voice to explain this boy? And so then, then it was like, but it was a vulnerable moment where.

 

I was a choice I could make to be receptive to that wisdom that she was taking a risk. She was taking a risk by putting herself out there and basically saying, I wish we wouldn't talk this way, right? I would like us to, but I love that she did that because it helped shift me back into like, I don't need to raise my voice, even though I'm getting frustrated, that's actually not going to help my 14 year old daughter or any of the kids at this moment. And so even that was a moment of vulnerability for both of us, for her to risk with that, for me to be vulnerable in return to say like,

 

Yeah

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah.

 

I needed that for my eight year old. It was very helpful.

 

Yeah. it's so good. Did you raise your hand?

 

And SARA, I knew SARA didn't raise her hand, but she definitely was like, my heart, my heart. Yeah, we were having a conversation. It didn't need to get so heated. Yeah. Yeah. It wouldn't be funny if you would have raised your hand. that's right. I probably should have. right. feel, That would have been funny. So right now we've got creating the vision and then being disciplined and then being vulnerable and then moving into resilience. So talk to us about that.

 

Yeah

 

Yeah. Right. Yes. So resilience is key, especially today, especially with our kids, but we have to put resilience into perspective. Resilience doesn't mean unpenetrating armor, right? And when you do that and you go out within your family or out into the world,

 

and you have this armor that is so thick, you cannot create relationships. Everything is going to bounce off you. If you go in and into a school setting or a store setting, and I'll be completely honest, there was, this happened to me, I'm gonna say probably 20, 23 years ago. I was walking in a store, was a, I don't know, big box store, Target, whatever, and I'm walking along and,

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

I don't know. It was just one of those moments and I must have just been really focused. this, you know, godsend of an older woman, she was probably in her seventies. She just passed me with her cart and she just laid her hand on my arm and she was like, honey, you look really angry. There's nothing to be that angry about. And I was like, my goodness. I didn't know that I looked so angry. Right. And

 

You

 

always remember this, always, you know? And I was like, my resting face must be terrible, you know? And so, and I was like, no one is gonna, that has just percolated in my mind for so long. I've told my kids that story. I don't even know them any times. I bring it up now they're like, wait, mom, is this the one about the old woman in the store who said you look grumpy? I'm like, yes. And so, and I was like, but.

 

Yes.

 

Yeah.

 

you need to go out there and you need to be kind and welcoming and bring people in, but also you need to have resilience for hard things that will happen. so really, letting our kids know hard things will happen. You're not going to skate through life. I was doing a whole summer series with a group of young women. was, I don't know, about 20 of them. And one of them happened to say that, you know, and

 

Mind you, this young woman is 16, okay? And she goes, I went through a really hard season of my life, but I'm really glad that everything is good now and life is easier now. And I was like, I am so happy for you and I'm so glad that you were in this season, but I need you to know that hard seasons are coming, right? Back and not necessarily the same one on repeat, but other hard seasons are. So what can we do in the good season?

 

Sure. Yeah.

 

in order to fortify and get us ready for hard seasons, right? It's the whole, know, can the vegetables after the harvest to, you know, supply for winter type of mentality. And so there are hundreds of coping mechanisms out there. And I actually just saw a list go out yesterday from a colleague that I have, she put out, here is a list of 100,

 

coping mechanisms. And I was like, no, because people are gonna get this and be like, I'll try this today, this today, this today. Just like values and you can get a whole list of all these values, only some of them are going to pertain to you. And so going through those coping mechanisms with your kids, I have four of them. All four of them have very different coping mechanisms. And so knowing that and having those on the table,

 

Mm -hmm. Yeah.

 

Sure, yep, yep.

 

for when hard times come is really, really important. But also understanding that a coping mechanism, a lot of people are using them as distractions, right? Let's just, let's have this coping mechanism to use as a distraction so I don't have to think about it anymore. I don't have to deal with it anymore. But a coping mechanism is just to bring you off of the ledge or back from the ledge so you can deal with what is actually happening.

 

Yeah.

 

in a calm state. A coping mechanism is not to get rid of something, it's just to back you off to a calm state so you can look and see, okay, what do we need to do here? So those are just some parts of the resilience tool right there that we need to start using today.

 

Yeah.

 

Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like the high, the, attention you're giving to coping mechanisms, bringing us back because I think it is, man, when you're in a really hard spot, you do just want to walk away. He just wants to say, it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. And it is hard to go, okay, okay. This is how I can get myself to a spot that now I can face that. And I can face that. Yeah. Well, even tie that into the story you used about the neighbor's house. That's what causes that bad dirt.

 

Yeah.

 

Absolutely.

 

is instead of facing it and being able to move through it and using healthy coping skills, instead I just stuff it or I just bury it in the ground. build that foundation. And eventually it's going to turn out to be a bad foundation. And also if I could tie that in for all our listeners, kind of how you walk through those four is think if I start with the vision that I think every parent listening would say, I want to have kids who know they can get through hard things, right? But then their kids seemingly

 

you know, miss that or they're unable to do that and parents get upset. So then because they don't have this understanding that the vision tied to like how we talked about discipline being teaching and guiding, right? And it's not something that's fear or shame or this anger thing, right? Then that leads to vulnerability, which then leads to resiliency. So if you actually want a kid who can do hard things, it's a kid who isn't beating themselves up.

 

Yes.

 

isn't yelling at themselves, is able to be vulnerable and honest that they need help and they can reach out and they can say, hey, mom, dad, could we talk about this? This is really overwhelming, right? Instead of thinking, well, if I mess things up or I don't do things perfect, mom and dad are just gonna be mad at me. That's never gonna lead to resiliency. It's actually gonna lead to a kid that when the storms come is easily gonna be knocked over.

 

Right.

 

Absolutely. And when you use these tools, you break down that hierarchy of parents sitting way up there, untouchable, and I can't speak to them, I can't relate to them to, wait, we're all on the same level. I saw something not too long ago that said, as a parent it said, this is the first time I'm going through life too. And so we're all doing the best we can, but that...

 

Yes.

 

I love that. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

 

All those steps are going to bring you into a team mentality as a family. Parents are team leaders, but we work together as a team to get through what we need to get through. And there isn't this huge divide between parents and kids. And I see that divide a lot of times. And whenever I see that, I see kids that are confused and hurt and don't know where to go in times of need because they don't feel like they can go there.

 

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Well, when, I can use your metaphor of the house further, we talk a lot about co -creating with our kids. And so I love that picture of us setting a foundation, but then us sitting down with our kids to be like, what kind of house do we want? You know, and like we start to build this house and then, and then they're getting to like, I wish my room looked like this or this. And so in that you're actually creating this house that's going to stand for generations.

 

Yeah.

 

so that someday their kids can come see that house and see like, this is how you guys built it. cool. I want to go build our own house. Right. And so this whole idea of you co -creating that house, we are all architects of our own lives, but we're doing it hand in hand with our kids. And so I really want to thank you, Nellie, for having this follow up with us. And I know you're currently working on a book. And so in the future, I'm sure we may even have a third episode where then you can talk about the...

 

Absolutely.

 

book and your heart with that. But in the meantime, where can people find you and just kind of point them to where how they can connect with you.

Absolutely, you can find everything on the website. I keep it nice and simple. All social communities can be gotten through there and resources and master classes and things is on NellieHarden .com.

 

Great. So definitely go check out her website and see all those different resources and be, know, when she has that book coming out, let's make sure we're pre -ordering that and getting that because it's going to be such a great tool for you and your family. thank you Nellie so much for spending time with us today. And I'm glad you're busy summer's over and you can start relaxing as the school year begins, right? Okay. All right. Thank you very much.