Episode 120

Hello and welcome to the Art of Raising Humans. I'm Kyle. And I'm Sara. And you know Sara, as this episode's about to drop, it should be close to the end of summer. Yeah, so summer's kind of wrapping up. I hope most of our listeners have had a pretty great summer. Yeah, hope so. Yeah, hope you guys have made some good memories. Hopefully you didn't melt with all the heat. I know in Oklahoma where we're at it's been very hot. Yeah, we're melting

And I think the topic we came up with today was one that I kept seeing over and over again, Sara, as I was talking to parents, especially things that were coming up near the end of the school year last year and then coming into summer. And that topic is about siblings. Yeah. I was hearing a lot. A really common challenge. A really common one. And I feel like a lot of parents were really struggling with how to create good interactions among the siblings.

And it was obviously a lot of the parents were just heartbroken. I'm sure some listeners who are listening this, you feel the same way or just heartbroken at how much animosity, how much aggression, how much fighting or just in general conflict on a daily basis was going on between brothers and sisters. Yeah. I think as parents, maybe you had really, really close relationships with your siblings. And so you want that for your kids or you didn't and you want it to be different for your kids. We all dream of our kids being getting along, having so much fun together.

but there's all kinds of things that make that challenging. Yeah, so if you are one of those parents and you've got siblings at home, you've got multiple kids or you know people who do, this is gonna be the podcast that's really gonna help you hopefully change those dynamics and see it differently. And I do wanna throw out something we did a few episodes ago, Sara, that I wanted to throw out is we are doing something as we're going into the school year.

I want to give away four free coaching sessions, okay? So four sessions where there can be 30 minutes each. So if you are one of those listeners, you're like, I wanna do that. Just send me an email at kyle at art of raising humans .com and just say, hey, I'm interested in doing the coaching session. We'll set something up and we'll do 30 minutes. And in those 30 minutes, we're gonna change whatever dynamics you're wanting to really talk about in those moments. And you're gonna get some real success right away. So love to give you a taste of what parent coaching is like.

So if you want, if you want to be one of those four, pause this right now, send that message to us and would love to make contact with you. So let's dive into siblings. You know, first of all, Sara, the reason why this was really bothering me is one of the things I've loved most about the parenting style that we started when the kids was young, you know, when we started doing this approach that was more emotion -based, it was more skills -based. And so this approach that we've talked about is the fruit that has come from that. of the most surprising ones to me was the sibling relationships

our kids and then not to say we've done it perfect or they do it perfect once again that's never the goal. Right. But that the fruit that's come from is kids who actually like each other. You know on a daily basis they seem to be for each other. They enjoy each other. They're rooting for each other you know and they're actually not trying to get each other in trouble or trying to undermine each other. They look out for each other and want the best for each other.

They still argue. Sure. There's still conflict, which is what's going to happen anytime you live with people. But even then they don't think the conflict is because there's something wrong with the other person. You know, they just believe it's two different ways of looking at something, you know, like most conflicts are and we're going to work through it we're going to resolve it. And I've just been so encouraged by that. Yeah. Yeah. It's really beautiful. You know, because I know I grew up with, with a brother and sister. was a middle kid, right? So I'm the middle older brother, younger sister, and

Lots of times, in my family, Sara, we were left home alone a lot, okay? My parents did pretty great. Yeah, very typical for that time, the latchkey kid time. Yeah, we would come home from school at about three, and we would just be home from three to five, 5 .30, until my parents got home, because they both needed to work. And so there was a lot of conflict that arose in that two, two and a half hours, you know? A lot of fighting, a lot of me and my brother getting in physical altercations, or a lot of screaming and yelling, a lot

trying to resolve conflict who did not know how to resolve it. Yeah, probably a lot of homes looked like that. And so what I found that did was it always like I desperately wanted to have a deeper relationship with my brother and sister, but I didn't know how to do that. And it seemed like we'd have these good moments, which I'm sure a lot of people who listening can relate to this. We have these good moments that were really fun. And I'd be like, cool. My brother's spending time with me. My brother really seems to enjoy me. then

all of a sudden I would do something that would upset him or he would upset me and then soon we're like fighting. Like this is a symbol of like how crazy it was. One of the most common games my brother and I seemed to play was trade punches. And it'd be like where my brother would talk me into hitting him in the arm as hard as I could and then he would get to hit me in the arm as hard as I could and this was fun. Yeah. Yeah, this was the way. Most of time.

That's how we spent the time together. And I did it, even though I know I was gonna get hurt every time, because my brother was much stronger than me. I still did it because it was a way to connect with my brother. And it seemed like as we got older and older, and more and more of those conflicts started building up this history of resentments. Like, I want the front seat. Now he's getting it. It was all this battle for

for a power and opportunities that we wanted. And so then if I could now put down my brother or sister, they could put down me or get us in trouble, then that would give us more say in the family, whatever was happening, right? But I'm sure a lot of people can relate this, but that's kinda how I grew up. I obviously love my brother, I love my sister, we have relationships today, but it's not as deep as I wish it was. It's not as close. Let's just say there were opportunities. Yeah.

And I think that's why a lot of families struggle even coming home over the holidays or getting along with siblings and I'm sure a lot of people listening this would say you're not as close to your brothers or sisters as you would like to be you know or have as good of a relationship that's open and authentic you know what was your experience like? We well I mean each each of I have three siblings there's four of us sister and two brothers

There were times I'd say we definitely were for each other. We were around each other a lot and we kind of went through some, we went through a lot of moves, which we'll get to this later, but those kinds of events can also pull you together because we didn't always have other people. So there was some times I felt like we were so close, we were for each other, we definitely fought, we definitely had big differences in personalities.

which created some of the tension that we didn't always know how to navigate. So all that kind of stuff just, so I'd say it was a mix of times we were very, very close and then times where there was a lot of distance. then different life circumstances brought us kind of further apart in lots of ways. And so it was kind of similar where I feel like, I wish we had more closeness. We've had times of closeness, but times of great distance. What was it you were hoping would happen as we had kids?

and we had two and then we had a third. What were you dreaming the sibling relationships would be like? Well, I would say, I I assume most parents, I wanted them to be very close. I knew what that felt like because I had lots of moments like that where just such great playing together and building memories and doing all the things you dream of and with your brothers and sisters. And so I wanted that for our kids.

Yeah, I didn't even know what I was imagining, Sara. I I guess I just assumed that it was going to be similar. You know, I assumed sibling rivalry had to be a thing. I assumed that there was going to be the competitive stuff between them, right? Because that's what you hear. mean, are going to fight, siblings are going to fight. Maybe they'll grow up to be friends, but when they're young, they're just going to fight all the time. I mean, I even remember when we had to, we had a boy and girl. I was kind of like, let's just stay

Because maybe with two, you won't have that because once again, my only reference point was three, right? And then you were saying, no, I always wanted to have a third. And I was like, I remember saying to you like, but if you have a third, then you always have like this third wheel and this one person getting left out. And once again, that's because that was my only experience, you know. But of course, you had four. So you were like, I don't think it has to be that way. Well, of course it has to be that way. And I remember just thinking like, I couldn't imagine it being any other way than what

had seen, right? And that's why I wanted to do this podcast, because I wanted every listener to try to imagine a different way it could be. Because I know some of these parents that have come for help for coaching on this issue in particular, they're single kids. They've never had any siblings. they just assumed it has to be the way other people have told them it is, right? That they're supposed to fight this way. They're supposed to be really mad at There's all kinds of messages out there. That's what you hear. mean, brothers and sisters are not going to get along, especially if there's an age gap.

you know, all kinds of other reasons. So, so what is it that causes that or makes it so hard, Sara, to have these great sibling relationships where the kids are actually more often than they are not their friends, right? Like, like I remember even reading Dr. Markham's book, which is a great resource of peaceful parent, happy siblings. And I love the subtitle, subtitle, which is how to raise friends for life.

And that actually just that title alone was like, what? You can be like, because you and I, really value our friendships. We've had deep friendships. Could you be that way with your brother and sister, like as close as you are with friends? And I thought maybe only you could do with friends because you don't have that baggage with friends. With siblings, you have this whole history. There's a baggage. But what if you could be that? So that actually got my imagination going. So what is it that I'm sure every parent listening would be like, yeah, I'd love to raise friends for life.

But what keeps that from happening? What makes it so difficult? Well, first, I want to point out and then we'll get into why it's so difficult. I love this and I hold this in my mind that siblings are actually the only people who really are with you for your whole life. And, because your parents, they will die when you're young and still have a lot of life left and your friends come and go when they haven't been there the whole time. So siblings are actually in the position.

to be friends They have that potential. Because they are the ones who actually know your whole story. I think that's what breaks your heart when it's not happening. That's parents are so disturbed when it's like, there's so much potential here. Right? And a lot of times towards the end of life, know, it's still your siblings that are there. And maybe friends have, you know, all kinds of things have happened. but what makes this so difficult? Well, one, probably the biggest one and probably when people are sort of familiar with a sibling rivalry, the competition for that parent's love.

And boy, can kids pick up on even the slightest, it might not even be real, but the slightest hint that the mom or dad love or care for or favor their sibling more than them. And it might not even be a true situation. It might just be like, I brought home a cookie and I gave it to so -and -so because they are the first person I see. But to that sibling, it's like, what? You didn't bring, you didn't give me the cookie. And it may be nothing, but their radar is always up for am I love?

Yeah, or mom and dad yell at that sibling less. And they're keeping note in their mind. Like you yelled at me three times today and you only yelled at them once because you love them. You let them stay up five minutes late and not me, whatever the tiniest infraction can be. Kids are very, very, very aware of that and they're looking for that because they want to know that they belong. They want to know that they are loved. You are their first resource for that. So any hint of threat, which is what a sibling is, you

Well, because it's about survival. I got their core. If you love that kid more, when push comes to shove, you might not look out for me and you'll look out for that kid. And I I might be left alone, right? Which would be terrifying. So, so to the kid, that sibling rivalry starts to happen because I think also kids think love is finite. It's not infinite. know, I would say I even thought that as a parent, as we had more kids, I was thinking, how much more love can I give? Like the more kids I didn't, I had this immature mindset.

that it was finite, that it was always connected to time. And so the more kids we have, the less time I have, and therefore the less love I can give to them. When really I didn't realize, and this is something that really needs to be intentionally cultivated, that with each kid, the love can actually grow. And there can be more opportunity for love. There's more love in the home with more people loving than fewer people. I think another aspect that goes along with sibling rivalry is just there's more opportunity for

more opportunity for people to run into each other, to disagree, right? And if that More opinions, more wants and needs, and all the things that go. And the more of that there is, there's more opportunity for us to grow closer, but if not handled intentionally, or the kids aren't taught how to handle it well, it's more opportunity to dislike each other. More opportunity to see you as the enemy for what I want. Yes. Yeah. You're threatening that. And in that same line,

of more people, more wants and needs, more personalities. And that a lot, you just have more personalities. So more opportunities for friction, for personalities to conflict with each other. You know, you have a laid back one, you have the outgoing one, have the high, the one who's not afraid to say everything they want and need, the other one who you have to pull that there's so many different personalities that and then yeah, well, it it complicated. When I think that's something we've never discussed before that I thought would be very helpful today.

in regards to helping parents just understand the sibling dynamics a little better is that kids as they're growing up in our homes, they are not only looking to you for love and direction, but also identity. Like, who am I? What is the role I play in this family? And so I remember when I did a lot of drug and alcohol counseling, one of the things we did with those clients in doing these groups with them was talk about family systems and talk about how we all

will naturally gravitate towards certain roles that we think are ours, right? Because then if I, at least if I know my place in the family, whether I like that place or not, at least I know what my role is, right? And so I think a lot of people have heard of real common ones. Like a real common one is the black sheep. So the black sheep would obviously be somebody who everybody thinks is the problem kid, right? They could also be It's doing the different thing. Yeah. Even if it's not the, I mean, it's typically put in the point of,

being bad or doing the wrong thing. just can be even different than what the family has decided is normal. This is what we do. This is how we act. Like the whole family could really be big into sports and then that one kid hates sports. Yes, so they're the blacks. Yeah and the kid will actually when I'm talking to these kids in session they actually believe that's who they are. Like they can't allow themselves to like sports because they're the ones who doesn't like

And that's the unique spot they play in their family. Yeah, in little tiny ways that starts really young, where you have even a strong personality or something, where they're not afraid to say, I want this or big feelings or something. Then, there's bigger emotions there. So we start to think of them as the dramatic one. And then everyone kind of starts to think of them as the dramatic one. And they look around and go, wow, I express a lot bigger feelings than everyone else in this home.

and it could just be their personality and who they are and how they're wired. But then it starts to be, I'm the dramatic Yeah, that's what I do. That's the role I So every time I tell a story, it's gotta be super dramatic. Yeah, these cycles begin, these beliefs begin, and they just snowball as years go by. I think a real common one I hear a lot too is the golden child. I bet lots of listeners right now are listening to that. It's like, yeah, we have one of those in our family. And I mean, they'll say that in session, like, he's our golden child. And what that means is,

He's the responsible one. He's the one that does what we ask. never causes any problems. And so they tow the line. do everything's expected of them and they're helpful. They keep, know, they meet all the standards. And it seems like, well, that would be a great one to be in, but man, I've counseled those kids too. And the pressure those kids feel to never mess up, to always be in line with what the family wants and they don't feel.

either group doesn't feel any freedom there, Well, the golden child often can't have a need or a weakness, right? Because they're the ones who's always showing up. They're always there. And even if they need a break, they feel that I've always got to be there. I've always got to hold it together. Another real common one I wanted to get on was the peacemaker too. So there's a kid who tries their hardest never to cause conflict. They're always trying to accommodate the more dramatic one or whatever the situation or trying to help the one who's the black sheep.

not getting in so much trouble or whatever. So there's all these different roles that different kids find themselves playing, okay? And I wanna point that out because I hope parents can see how in families, the kids want to balance each other. So like an example for me would be as the middle kid, I would see my brother as he was growing up, at times he was the rebel, know? At times he was getting into trouble. And so I could see all the conflict my brother was creating and I would be

I don't want to create more conflict. I'm actually going to cry to create joy. So then I would get good grades. I would not get in trouble at school. I would never really try to break my parents' rules or things like that because I could see my brother was already doing it, right? Now I didn't consciously go, my brother's got that role, I'm gonna take this other role. But it was really, I did feel like that spot's taken. I need to take a different spot. And I remember even thinking like going to school,

teachers who knew my brother who he'd been a problem in class, I thought, you're gonna like me because I'm opposite of that. I'm not gonna cause those problems. I think it gets this interesting mix of what the personality each child has and then the roles that are taken and the roles that are available in a family. if you ever, mean, reading up on family systems is just really interesting to you. If you think back to your own childhood, pause for a moment and just think what were the roles in my family?

what roles did everyone have? And a lot of times we think maybe just this one kid chose that. Well, they just chose to be the black sheep. But if you look, there are ways that supported and built it. it's the whole system. The whole family is the system and they're all agreeing in this, it's not intentional and conscious always, but it's there where everyone's kind of agreeing. And you start to only notice when the kid messes up.

But the golden child gets the benefit of the doubt. Exactly. Yeah. And maybe when the golden child needs something, you don't really notice that like you would with this other personality, this other role. Yep. And so there's this kind of silent way the family moves together and they're always kind of trying to seek balance. So the more one one member of the family goes one direction, the more the others move the other direction. Yeah. Just sort of keep everything in motion.

Right. Working together. Even if the system isn't healthy or what they want, it's the system they're used to. So those cycles will repeat and repeat and repeat and they'll keep doing them to hold that balance that is what they know. Well, even I was just thinking as you're talking to the ways in which their stories even our narratives about the parent, like one is the easy parent, one is the hard

One is good cop, one is bad cop, right? And so that even in a relationship, in a marriage, we feel like we've got to play these roles, you know? You're too strict, so I tend to be more lenient because I'm trying to balance the strictness I see in you. Yeah, yeah. And so the reason why this is so vital and what I'm seeing, Sara, when I'm talking to these families is it makes it very hard for the families to ever come together and really be unified.

because everybody has grabbed their own individual spots, right? And so therefore it's like, I have to play this role. And even though maybe the dad who plays bad cop would like to be good cop, and he like, he can't because we can't have two good cops. Somebody's gotta gotta settle in and it's hard to shake that up.

Yeah, and it causes a lot of stress in the family, but it also makes conflict really hard to resolve because we like the black sheep has to be the black sheep, right? The golden child has to be the golden child. Like there's no there's no way or flexibility for us to be more than that. Right. So you were just talking about

once we get these roles, we start to look for ways to back up those roles, right? Like I've heard those stories where the golden child has done something that seems just as bad as what the other kid did, but it is seen through a different life. And then the kid who's the black sheep will tell me how ridiculous that is that he did the same thing and they didn't get mad at all about that, right? So I'm wanting to point out how we as parents get caught up in these and we make these roles almost unchangeable, you

And that's going to make it very hard for the black sheep to look at the golden child and go, wow, you're an asset in my life. You really benefit me, right? So all the sibling, those relationships break down and they get very fixed in their roles. to get really judgmental and critical of those roles. Because we're all opposed to each other. these two are in alignment against this one. And it creates these little dyads and all these complications.

and bringing everyone together. And really the thing is, just, sometimes it's hard to wrap our head around, like honestly, we've studied this for really long time, right? But if you're just curious, just go and just be observant of the roles people play, and then realize they're actually not fixed. And someone else may experience that person very differently. So where it's the black sheep here at school, somehow they're just amazing. So that sort of brings some light to you, like,

I wonder if there's some roles maybe that's why they're different at school or camp. Yeah, that's good. And they can get along just fine with their friends, but not their brother and sister. So just that curiosity can already begin some changes in your family. If we all have it, and it's okay, we're all gonna have that to some degree. But we can still be curious and try to shake things up a little bit. But if we're wanting to move in the direction of bringing siblings together.

This is just a really helpful step to go, what roles do we have going on in our family and what can we do to shake those roles up? Well, in the word that came to my mind before we get into the clear steps about how to change those is resentment. I think a lot of resentment starts to get build up among siblings. I'm even thinking like in our marriage, Sara, when we first were changing these parenting dynamics and how you in general would lean more towards being passive and I would lean towards being aggressive. And early on in our marriage, we started to almost like, I thought that was my job.

because that's kind of what my job, my dad's job was in my home, right? Is he would be the more aggressive. It was a standard 80s home where wait till your dad gets home and then dad, and I felt like you were making me play that role by being the sweet, kind, empathetic mom. And so I saw all of your sweet, kind, empathetic actions as permissive, as weak, as passive. And then like, so I was almost like resenting you for making me become that person.

and I did not want to play that role, you know? But that's what will happen is like the golden child will feel like, I wish I could be honest about my mistakes, but I don't feel like I can because my other brother has so many problems. My parents are too busy dealing with his issues. Does that make sense? I can't, there's no room for me to do And that's what I hear over and over again with these kids who they, want you to hear guys that they want to have better relationships. These kids wish they could get along. And it'll feel like they don't, but they do. They actually do and they'll tell me. believe that they don't. Don't let yourself.

Yeah, they want to have this better, but they don't know they feel trapped in these roles. so how do we what's some steps that we could clearly give our listeners about how to change these dynamics? All right Okay, first one we kind of got into is just even awareness is helpful and that curiosity to go what's going on here Just pull yourself out of it Even if you need to go back through recent incidents and just sort of be aware of the roles that people are playing kind of look through to a different lens

Because we only can begin to change if we see that things can be different and not fixed. Okay, so some fun ones. Create special routines or rituals. So you're gonna want things that are just, you know how when you go through something with a friend or someone is special, it bonds you. So you're gonna look for ways to create rituals and things that are specific and special to those siblings.

And it may be hard at first, it may need to be something really small like Friday night, movie night, they get to go pick out ice cream and toppings and make crazy sundaes or something. Like something that you feel like is gonna be a quick win, but it's this little thing they know they can count on that's gonna happen. And it's something that is an easy win. So you look for those and then you can build upon those. So what you're saying, they have the shared positive memory where they had fun together, enjoyed each

and you're gonna wanna repeat it. So it's like, hey, I remember this is what we do. This is what, if I want to be close to my sibling, I know this is the thing I can do That's a quick one for me. Love it. Okay. Well, I kind of already said this one, but don't have favorite roles. Watch your internal dialogue about your child. So I just wanna touch on that part of being really careful what phrases or what things go through your head about those. So going back to the one I mentioned first, but going...

But be careful if you have this, I know where this is going. Exactly. they're going to have a, know, just stop yourself right there and go, I'm going to believe different. Even if it happens, I don't care if it happens. Don't let your brain keep creating that same pathway of this is how it's going to go. This is how it's going to go. This is who they are. They're never going to change. don't let yourself use the word. would say, listen, if you're saying he always does it this way or he never does it that way, he, he never just goes along. He always makes it a big deal. Right.

So when you're saying that stuff, you're buying into this role is fixed. can't change it. Yeah. So your brain will actually create the things you believe. It will see the things you believe. So even if at first you don't believe it begins in small ways to see the little exceptions, the ways they weren't as upset as they normally are or whatever it might be. okay. The other one is do things together. Make sure that you're not in the busyness of life. Make sure you're not missing those natural times to be together, have meals together.

Go on adventures together, create space to do things together. Cooperative games are really great because where other games, it's competitive and that can derail real fast among siblings. Find, there is all kinds of fun escape rooms and all kinds of things, but go and do things that you know, if you love biking, go biking together, hiking, whatever it might be, do things together

that bond you and our special and creative. Well, and I love that point too, because lots of times we get trapped in all the games as the kids are getting older, all these competitive ones. And it ends up just perpetuating the, that kid's the smart one and the other kid's the dumb one or that kid's the, he's naturally more athletic and the other one's not sporty. And so it ends up making these things. But when you do these cooperative ones, the emphasis isn't about what you are or aren't, it's about us being together. Yeah. And again, start small. If you do it

Like we really think this will be successful. Start there. You can build and grow and do more, but start with the quicker wins to sort of build those happy feelings together. The other one is have special family things or inside jokes. know, inside jokes, you probably have them with some friends or something. It's like these things that are just for you guys and you want those within your family. And if you have a pair, if you have a couple siblings that are really having a tough time, you want to create all these things.

special for just them and then the family as a whole. Yeah. Yeah. So first do some of these intentionally with those ones who are really struggling and then include the rest. Got it. Okay. Another big one, teach them how to fight. That's when we didn't touch on this a whole lot, but fighting, said a little bit, fighting is normal. So the goal is not that we'll never fight because siblings, you work out a lot of

things growing up, a lot of social dynamics within That's actually the benefit of having siblings. Only kids don't get that opportunity to practice as much working through the conflict. So if you don't know how, learn. Yeah. We won't go into it. We won't go into how, but you need to learn how to fight well, how to argue well, and then you need to teach your kids that. So, hey, you know what, guys? It's normal to fight, especially for siblings and people you're living with. It's really normal. So we're not trying to avoid the fights.

We're just going to fight well. We're going to fight. We're going to learn how to fight, how to disagree to create those wins and bring people together. This where coaching comes in, right? Coaching them through the conflict. Okay. So, hey, Johnny, you were saying this. Can I hear your side real quick? Okay. And then Johnny got, and then try to, okay. So he was trying to say this. Did you understand that? Right? It's kind of working through the way to communicate the differences, right? But the goal being is like, we're still on the same

We're on the same team. Yeah. So we're not actually on different teams. So I know you may disagree and that's okay. People on the same team can disagree. Yeah. But we're still on the same team. So let's, let's approach it from, we're not enemies. We're actually on the same team trying to achieve the same goal. The goal is for us to understand each other better. So keeping that focus. And you can still have wins. Even if you, at the end of the day, see things a little different and have different opinions, you can still win.

and have wins together. love even like Sara and I, what you and I will do is even we'll have those arguments sometimes in front of the kids, right? Where we disagree about things. We model it. Yeah, we'll model it and work through about how mom sees it. I see it this way and we'll talk to each other in a respectful way to where can work through that conflict and then we can invite them into that and doing that as well. And the last one is if you can, if they're in this space and ready for this, have them create something together for your family.

Similar to the movie an ice cream night, but if you can team them up to create something for an adventure a ritual a something holiday tradition, but have them be in charge of it if they're ready for that and Again, you can start with something

like picking ingredients for ice cream toppings. can pick something small, but have them be teaming up to build something for the family that brings you all together. Maybe them being in charge of leading a game night or something like that where they're working together. I also was even thinking if the kids are smaller, obviously don't do this with teenagers, but something I like to do, Sara, quite a bit that I thought was helpful. I saw our kids were turning against each other and fighting more, I would say, seems like you guys need to get some energy out. You guys seem to be upset.

I want you guys to wrestle with me. So I wanted them to team up and try to take dad down. And so I found that to be a way where all of a sudden they would be like, Brennan, take him on this side. I'll get him over here. And like, all of a sudden they turned the energy towards me and I showed them how I could take that. And I didn't have to be against

I could still play with them. could still rough house with them. But now they were on the same team. I would then lots of times let them beat me. And then they'd be like, look, we did it together. And they'd be high fiving each other. And so all of sudden, it went from them being against each other to them teaming up to take out a bigger power, which was their dad. And so we would do that. Yeah. So teaming up in that sense to where instead of us being against each other, take the kids, turn them against you to where now you can handle that in a playful way. It doesn't have to turn into something really

I did the last week. I actually just found one on the internet, but I printed off a scavenger hunt and it was a long scavenger hunt. And so I put them all over the house and then our two youngest kids teamed up together to get to the scavenger hunt. And then at the end was just a popsicle. Yeah, but you know, it didn't even matter because they were working. They were struggling to find something to do together and they were bored. And so I created something that

team them up and honestly, you even have to be creative because you can just find these things out there. Yeah. So many ways to find it. Yeah. Well, I really hope this conversation today for everyone listening, I hope it gives you a different imagination, maybe a different understanding of what is causing some of these conflicts in your home, right? But also helps you to start dreaming that it is possible to raise friends or life. You don't have to just go, well, this is just how it is. And I feel like lots of parents are in that situation because they don't know what else to do

right? So I want you to it can be as good as you would like it to be. But it does take some intentional work to do these steps that we just talked about, right? And to help people yourself included to get out of these roles, you know, to not be stuck in good cop, bad cop, or, you know, the black sheep kid, and just notice ways in which your kids already gravitating towards that, and start to help expand that, you know, I think one more exercise I would say, Sara, is even just write down all the things that are unique about each of the kids.

right? And maybe even ask them what they enjoy about each other. There many more things you can do. You could create jars of, you know, this is writing down what you see in them, what you like about them and do it as a family activity. There's an endless amount of things. Because what you want to use cultivate that each of us are different, but that uniqueness is an asset. It's not a deficit. We're each needed. Yes. Yeah. Like the way your sibling isn't like you is actually helpful to you. It's not hurtful to you. So

So I hope that really gives you a lot of ideas. I would love for you right now, if you haven't done it already, to take time to comment, to rate and review the podcast. It really helps more families have access to this. And I hope it starts getting your brain turning as summer is wrapping up, or maybe already has wrapped up, of ways to enter into this new school year and this new fall to change these dynamics in your home to help raise friends for life. Thanks for listening.

Do you have a home full of siblings? Did you have a dream of brothers and sisters playing together, laughing together and enjoying each other? But you're experiencing quite a different outcome in your home today where there's a lot of fighting, a lot of yelling, just siblings just can't seem to really enjoy each other. And more often than not, they'd rather just be separate from one another. And is that breaking your heart? Because I know I've seen a lot of families lately who are going through that and struggling with

and they want to change those dynamics badly. They want to have the siblings really enjoy each other's company and spend a lot of time making memories that will last them a lifetime. So in today's podcast, we're gonna give you some tools to create that kind of family. We're gonna give you some tools and some ideas that will really help change how you maybe see these conflicts going on in your home in ways you can shift it today. So Sara specifically is gonna throw seven ones, seven ideas that will really give you

like specific things you can do as soon as you're done listening to this to start shifting the ways in which these kids are playing certain roles in your family and maybe even how you and your spouse are playing these roles as well. So I think you'll really find this podcast really beneficial to help change the dynamics between your kids before the school year starts. So jump in and enjoy the listen.